Long Time... lots of changes

So I haven't been into blogging lately, as is clearly evident by the huge gab between now and my last entry. In fact I had kinda forgotten about my blog for awhile until I needed to go back and look at a past post as reference for something. Anyways, I was surprised to see that even though I am not doing any posts, I still have a steady stream of visitors to my blog. So maybe its time to do an update.

School is like a dementor. It seriously sucks your soul right out of you... ok more like sucks your time, but just sounded fun comparing it to a dementor. I have been loving school. It has been the best thing for me. I needed something to take my mind off all the infertility stuff, and it has really done that. So I have been working my butt off with school but remembering how much I really enjoy learning. Right now I am working on math which is rather frustrating, but still exhilarating when something finally clicks.

The downside to throwing all my free time into school is that I completely stopped worrying about my weight and what I ate. I will admit it was a nice break from stressing about weight but was a sad wake-up call when I stood on the scale and saw that my weight had snuck-up on me and I was dangerously close to being the heaviest I have ever been. So I decided I needed to at least try to eat healthier and do what I could to figure out the weight stuff.  So I decided to get some lab work done and get my levels checked out which resulted in finding out that even thought I am not trying to get pregnant... the PCOS still needs to be treated or it could cause serious issues down the road.

So my blood test came back and my cholesterol was fine but triglycerides were high. Also they tested my insulin which is borderline high. So I always thought I understood PCOS but boy was I wrong. I just knew it was what cause me to not have normal periods or ovulate. Apparently it goes so much deeper. So my body doesn't react to insulin like it should. Therefore my pancreas (I am pretty sure that is the insulin producing organ, but I am not a doctor and therefore could be very wrong in this fact) is working overtime producing extra insulin. So if I do not treat PCOS, my pancreas could eventually wear out causing me to become a type II diabetic.  So I had to make a choice... either face the potential of having to give myself shots down the road when I turn diabetic, or go back on the dreaded metformin. So metformin it is...

So this time it is a much lower dosage and extended release so it shouldn't be so hard on my stomach. Well I have been on it for about 3 days now and it is completely kicking my butt. That is actually the reason I wandered onto my blog was wanting to read about my symptoms from last year when I was on it for the IVF. So tonight we had pizza and a movie night. Well shortly after the pizza I got horribly sick. Infact I ended up in bed at 8 pm on a Saturday which honestly should be a crime. So two hours later I wake up feeling great and here I am on my blog. So I am reading an entry back in August 2011 that is appropriately titled Metformin (Glucophage) how I hate you! So I am reading through here kicking myself for not reading this sooner seeing as I say "

P.S. Sorry this entire post is highlighted. Blogger and I are not getting along at the moment so this is the best I am going to get on this post since I cant get the highlighting to go away.

Hiding the Confusion

It's interesting how you can have a song that you have had on your Ipod for a long time, and even listened to it numerous times, but then one day the lyrics just pop for you. I found a song that is like that. Some of the lyrics of the song completely fit my life right now. It's funny because I never took notice of this song before. Maybe it just never fit into my life so well.

The Same Old Sun by The Alan Parsons Project. I will only post part of the lyrics that seem to most apply…

Tell me what to do
All the hopes and the dreams went wrong for me
There's a smile on my face
But I'm only pretending

Taking my life
One day at a time
Cause I can't think what else to do
Taking some time
To make up my mind
When there's no one to ask but you

Tell me what to do
Now there's nobody watching over me
If I seem to be calm
Well it's all an illusion
Tell me what to do
When the fear of the night comes over me
There's a smile on my face
Just to hide the confusion

I feel like I am in that mode… where I keep a smile on my face but it's to hide the confusion… that I am only pretending. I don't let myself think about the IVF when I can help it. I made Mike put the pictures of the embryos somewhere where I won't see it. I don't know if ignoring it is the healthy route or not, but I don't know what else to do. I really am just taking life one day at a time right now and figure that eventually I will be to the point where I will want to face the infertility head on. For now I am not ready, therefore the failed IVF never happened and the infertility is not a huge problem in my life. Or so I am trying to make myself believe. I just can't handle the thought of never being able to have kids. So I won't allow myself to think of it.

For the most part I am doing ok. I have my moments of insanity where I see a mother with her newborn and I want to grab the kid and run… but don't worry. I am not really psycho enough to do that. That fleeting thought of grabbing the baby and running is always followed by the thought of how much pain I would put the mother through. I could never cause anyone that much pain. So anyone who reads this that are pregnant or have babies… don't worry… I promise I won't steal them. I really have not completely lost my mind.

I will be ok though. I am really trying hard to focus on me and not the failed IVF or infertility. It's hard to not think about it since it was at the forefront of our minds for the last 3 years. So I have been getting out and working out as much as I can… and just trying to eat healthier. I am not going on a full out diet by any means… but just trying to be healthier than I have been in the past. Also Mike and I have tried to be more active and do more things together. So that has been nice.

So for the time being, I am living life one day at a time… and keeping a smile on my face to hide the confusion and fear. I know the topic of infertility is not something people really know how to approach or talk about with me, and I understand that. I would have no idea what to say to someone going through this. In a fact, I am almost glad that most people haven't brought up the subject. It makes it easier for me to ignore and pretend it never happened. So one day at a time it is… until I somehow get to a point where I can face thinking of the future without all the fear involved. Hopefully I get to that place pretty soon.

Hiding From the World

I have never hidden from the world before now. It is an interesting experience not feeling like I can be around people. Wednesday I was working from home and just signed off for the day after getting the bad news. I felt I had to at least do a facebook and blog post letting people know IVF failed. I know I had made the choice to be totally open about the IVF experience and people were going to be curious. I didn't want to have text after text come in with people asking if I was pregnant. So I figured a quick facebook and blog post would answer that questions for everyone. I also sent a text to my close family and friends saying it was negative and please no phone calls because I couldn't handle talking to people.   I was hoping that didn't come out mean,  but I knew I would not be able to talk.

The supportive text msgs and responses to facebook were overwhelming. I pretty much ignored text msgs and phone calls on Wednesday. Mike had come home from work immediately after I called him with the negative results. My dad came home shortly after that, after finishing the ceiling at Mike's parents house. It was nice having him there. It really helped. Once I was able to stop crying and get rid of some of the puffiness under my eyes... we decided to go to Cracker Barrel for lunch just to get out of the house.  Mike and I even did some shopping with gift cards. I was just trying to keep myself from thinking.

Thursday I took the day off work. I just wanted to sleep all day and did not want to face the world. Also the thought of talking to people on the phone all day trying to sound cheery and like everything was great, did not appeal to me. So I spent most of Thursday sleeping and lounging. Thursday night Mike and I wandered out a bit to get me out of the house. I was fine to be out and about and see people, as long as they were strangers that knew nothing about me. The thought of seeing people that know me and would ask how I was doing, was what I needed to avoid. I did text a couple people during the day on Thursday, and even talked to my dad over the phone.

Friday I worked from home. It was nice being at home and not having to face my coworkers. Although I talked to them through Instang Messaging. It's much easier talking to people when it's not face to face. Also did more shopping with gift cards with Mike. So I wasn't shut up in the house the entire day.

Today Mike ran a marathon distance around the Olympic Oval track. so I spent 4 hours on the bleachers entertaining myself by reading and listening to my Ipod. I did talk to Stefan (Mike's friend) face to face, but luckily he didn't say anything about the IVF. I probably would have cried if he did. Mike hasn't been feeling too good since that run so I have just been lounging at home. I was invited to go play games tonight with my family, but I am not sure I can face them yet. Although I did promise them I would come for dinner tomorrow night.

It's just hard. I have never not been able to face people. Even when my mom died, I didn't hide from the world. The thought of seeing people I know and dreading them asking about the IVF or how I am doing, just petrifies me. I guess I am not okay yet. I still cry a lot and still really hurt. In fact, this whole New Years thing is not fun! I have never really been a fan of New Years anyways. My history includes way too many sad ones. I think the hardest part is I am not excited for 2012. I know that we will not have funding to do another round of IVF for a couple years yet so 2012 does not hold the possibility of a baby for me. I would honestly be perfectly fine skipping head to maybe 2015 (when the IVF loan is paid off and we could financially handle another round of IVF).

I am just having problems adjusting. The last couple of years have been really focused on infertility and trying to have a baby. All of that has come to a screeching halt.  So I now have to figure out something to fill my mind and time. Something else to worry about. I just don't even know how to not think of infertility. So this will be a hard adjustment for me. Unfortunately it is an adjustment that must be made. So 2011 wasn't the best year (odd numbered years never are for me).... but I don't really have high hopes for 2012 either. Sucks to start out a new year like this, but what can ya do!

Mourning The Child I May Never Have

I got my pregnancy test results today. It came back negative. I am not pregnant. This IVF round failed. The two embryos I have pictures of didn't implant, didn't survive. I really had hoped that at least one of them would take. They were both such high quality embryos. To say I am devastated would be an understatement.

We have no plan B. We were unable to have any extra embryos to freeze. So that means that all of the shots I had to get, all of the blood draws, all the medications I have been on were all in vain. The best part is we still get to pay $300 a month towards this IVF loan for the next 5 years with nothing to show for it.

It hurts, and I am frustrated. I honestly don't understand why we cannot have children. Why does God allow crack heads and 16 year olds to have children, but not us? It doesn't make sense. I don't think I will ever understand.

So right now I am hiding from the world. There is nothing else I can do. We can't afford another round, so I guess we are sitting on the sidelines for awhile. I really need to just try to come to terms that we may have a childless life, but I have a really hard time accepting that. IVF was our best but also our last hope. It is really disappointing that it didn't work out. Even more disappointing that we didn't even have extra embryos to try again. I would say we are back to square one, but we are further back than that. We still have the debt.

Anyways I knew people would be anxious to know how it turned out. So I figured I better update everyone. I am feeling like I really don't want to face people today and want to hide from everyone and everything. I hurt. I am crushed, and I feel like my heart is torn in two. It honestly feels like somebody died today. My dreams of holding my newborn child, that Mike and I created have been torn into shreds. I really thought it was my turn to have a child. I guess that just may never happen, and I really need to come to terms with that.

No Plan B - But I Am Okay

Well.... we no longer have a plan B. We had 4 embryos, 2 of which they transferred and the other two we were hoping to freeze. Unfortunately, the other two did not make it to be frozen. So that just means I don't have them as my safety net to fall back on if this IVF round doesn't work.   I kind of saw that coming though. I had talked to the Doctor yesterday and he had told me that on day 3 they were only 2 and 4 cell... So I knew there wasn't much chance for them to make it to blastocyst stage (which is where they have to be to be able to be frozen).  So when I talked to the doctor today, I was pretty well expecting to find out they didn't make it. I was hoping they had, but no such luck.   I didn't cry though like I thought I would.

I figured I had two options at that point. I could either be horribly upset that plan B didn't survive... and start worrying about coming up with a new plan B, or I could focus on our plan A which we are currently working on. It seemed stupid to worry about what we will do if this round of IVF fails since in a way that would be like accepting that it isn't going to work. I need to be positive and just focus on the embryos growing inside me.

The Doctor was very nice chatting with me about things. He said I need to not worry about the embryos that they couldn't freeze. He reminded me the ones they transferred were really good quality and he really thinks we have a good chance of me being pregnant. Also he advised me to stop reading things on the Internet because it will only make me worry. So no more googling IVF. I am just going to avoid that and just try to stay positive while I brave the two week wait.

Even if I am not pregnant, and this IVF fails... I am still going to be so grateful for some of the experiences I have had going through all of this. This is the closest I have ever been to pregnant. I can't even explain how incredible  it was on transfer day to see the pictures of the embryos and know that they were half me, half Mike. It just blows my mind seeing what we created (even if they don't turn into babies... we still combined genetically and created 10cell  and 12 cell clusters). I am pretty impressed with that! I know for Mike it was seeing them wheel in this full size baby incubator with a little petrie dish, knowing that our potential children were in there. It was also neat right after the transfer laying there feeling my abdomen knowing they were in there.

I have hope that this IVF will be successful and we will finally be able to have a baby.. or two. IVF has been such an incredibly hard thing to go through. There are so many emotional up's and down's, and lots of needles and tests and unpleasantness. There is also the opportunity and chance to see and understand all that goes into creating babies. Seriously with everything that has to line up right to get pregnant... I am surprised people get pregnant so easily. I really have a strong understanding of my body now and how things work (or don't work in my case). I think the best part.... is how many people have baby pictures of their children before they were even babies...when they were only a cluster of cells? I love having the picture. I hung it on the fridge and love to just stare at in wonder. It just really makes me appreciate life and how precious it is.

Transfer Day!!

We did our transfer this morning. They require a full bladder which is really tough. I thought I was going to pee all over the table. I did have to relieve some of it and then the procedure took place. The doctor commented that we have really good quality embryos. They transferred two and we will find out on Sunday if the other two will be able to be frozen. It was such a relief hearing that they were going strong.  So the transfer itself was quick and easy. I then got to lay there and relax for the next half hour.  Now I am on complete bed rest for the rest of the day.

It is such an amazing feeling knowing that they are now in me where they belong. They really wont actually implant until Sunday so right now they are just hanging out until they are big enough to implant. So I plan on taking things extra easy the next few days.

My favorite part is we got a picture of both of the embryos. One was a 12 cell and the other a 10 cell embryo. Since I am on bed rest I can't get up to use the scanner so a cell phone pic of a pic will have to do. I saw this picture and commented on how cute they are. Mike gave me a weird look and asked if I honestly think they are cute. I totally do. Its instant love. I am totally going to hand the picture on the fridge!



Egg Retrieval

I had my egg retrieval yesterday. That was a fun experience! This post might be a bit TMI, but I am not sure how else to describe the whole process without going into a bit of detail. So hopefully no one will get really disturbed by this.


So we got up early in the morning planning on having enough time to get ready to go… and also to collect Mike’s contribution. There was a time limit for that. We had to have it to the office within 45 minutes of collecting it. So collecting it took a bit longer than expected so we were already running about 15 minutes behind schedule. Anyways we hit the freeway and end up in bumper to bumper traffic due to some bad accidents. So we ended up getting the Mike’s stuff there about an hour after collection. Also I was about a half hour late for the procedure. So they had to quickly get me prepped and ready. They had problems getting the IV in and ended up having to try a few times before finally getting it. So that didn’t feel so great. They finally got me into the operating room where they pumped the anesthesia into me and everything faded out. Well it didn’t really fade out. Things got blurry and then next thing I knew I was in the recovery room. I felt like I had just taken the best nap of my life and really wanted to just sleeping, but they would have none of that.

Anyways they told me they had retrieved 10 eggs. I was disappointed. The doctor seemed very optimistic and said that was what he expected to get. It just made it even harder when I overheard them tell the lady they did after me that she had 24 eggs. I was hoping for lots of eggs because I really want some extra embryos to freeze. So 10 seemed like a low number and I inevitably cried when Mike walked in. Anyways after some reassurance from Mike and the nurse that 10 really is a good number… we headed home. I ended up sleeping most of the rest of the day. I was in pain and walking was not an easy thing. Mike took really good care of me. In fact I was craving funeral potatoes so he tried to find somewhere nearby that would serve those. I finally told him I would be fine with mashed potatoes and gravy… so he went and got me lunch. He stayed with me the rest of the day and made sure I had everything I needed. I couldn’t have asked for a better caregiver.

Today I am feeling a bit better. I still have some pain. I am working from home which really helps. The Doctor called this morning to let me know the status of the eggs. He said out of the 10, only 4 fertilized. I was devastated and had a bit of a cry over that this morning. The doctor was very optimistic and said that they are going to move the transfer up to Friday instead of Sunday. He said he feels very confident that there will be embryos to transfer and maybe even one or two to freeze. So that is good. I just worry about them not making it till Friday and us being out all this money with nothing to show for it. So I called Mike crying, not able to get the words out. So he thought I was calling to tell him none of the eggs made it, so once I finally got the words out that 4 fertilized, he found that to be good news.

Anyways I am trying to think positive, but I am really struggling with it all. I really hope that come Friday they can transfer two embryos and still have a couple to freeze. I really hope in the next two weeks we find out we are pregnant. I can’t wait for this whole process to be done and over with! I am exhausted with it!

And It just keeps going and going and going!

So I had another ultrasound and more blood work this morning. My follicles are the perfect size so the Dr said we would do the trigger shot tonight and the egg retrieval on Monday. I was happy to not have any more stim shots and to know an end was in sight. Well they then called about an hour later and said they got my test results back and my Estrogen levels are lower than they would like, so that means everything is being pushed back a day.  So I am a little disappointed because I really just want to be done.

So basically the schedule will go as follows... I will still do my stim shots tonight... then tomorrow night will be the HCG trigger shot. Monday morning I will go in for blood work and they will decide from there if I might need an additional HCG booster shot. Tuesday morning will be the retrieval. I am actually looking forward to that. The thought of the egg retrieval always scared me but my ovaries just plain hurt so I am more than ready for the eggs to be taken out so my poor ovaries can go back down to a normal size.

Anyways that means the transfer will probably be on Sunday the 18th. Then I should find out if I am pregnant on the 28th. So that will be exciting. Just means I will be doing the whole Christmas thing while in my two week wait. Which I am hoping that will be a good distraction. Nothing is going to be harder than wondering if the $15,000 I spent worked or not, but not having any way to know for two weeks. That will be tough.

All in all, I am glad this is all coming to an end soon. It has been tough. I am very glad that I shouldn't have to do anymore shots past Monday. I will be moving on to other types of meds that don't require any needles. I really am praying that this works and that soon there will be a bun in the oven. So we really could use all the prayers and good thoughts and vibes we can get right now!  Everyone cross all you fingers and toes... and also wish on every shooting star you see for us to have success. We really need it!

I am so over this IVF stuff. Make it stop!

So I am struggling today.  I am just tired of all the needles... the ultrasounds... and blood draws. My stomach looks horrible and every shot hurts. Especially the Menopur. It burns like crazy!  So it just sucks knowing that I would be having my egg retrieval on the 10th... had my body not decided to take it's time responding to the meds. Really I shouldn't complain. It is going to happen either Monday or Tuesday... so just a few days longer. Sadly in the world of IVF... a few days feels like an eternity!

So really my appointment today went well. My follicles are between 13-16mm now. My Estrodial levels are great. I go back on Saturday for yet more bloodwork and an ultrasound. They will decide from there if I will be doing my trigger shot Saturday night or Sunday night. Sadly we also have to order more meds... which means more needles. Oh and more money. So basically another $590.00 for just enough meds to get me through till Saturday. Sad stuff.

I am just counting down the days until this is all over with. My ovaries really are starting to ache a lot. I cant even imagine how bad they are going to feel in a couple days when they are even bigger than they are now. IVF honestly is not for the faint of heart. I really question if I am strong enough for it. I keep trying to tell myself to look at the bigger picture. I know it will all be worth it in the end. I just hope I make it to the end with my sanity intact.

My Hens are Squawking

I had another Ultrasound yesterday morning. I was very nervous about it. I was afraid my follicles would not have grown, and the Doctor would be talking about cancelling the cycle. So I went in to my appointment feeling very apprehensive about it. I instantly relaxed when the Doctor started spouting off sizes of my follicles. They went from 7-8mm to 10-11mm. I was just glad they finally started growing like they should. The Doctor even assured me that I should have plenty of extra embryos to freeze… which will be nice! So I left feeling good about things. I go back for another ultrasound tomorrow morning. I hope more good news continues to come my way. This next ultrasound they said they will better be able to know when the egg retrieval will be. It should be this weekend sometime… possibly Monday. So hopefully my body is continuing to cooperate, and I will be able to get the egg retrieval done and over with soon.

So now I better explain the random title of this post (which really pertains to this post). You know how people will use the phrase "my dogs are barking" when their feet ache? Well my new phrase "my hens are squawking" is going to be my little way of letting my husband know that my ovaries ache. I figure it's better to say that, then to gross everyone out around us by saying "my ovaries hurt". So that's my new phrase. But seriously, my ovaries do hurt. They are not happy right now and I really can't blame them. Usually each month there is one or two follicles per ovary that develop. Well in my case there is more like 20 follicles in each ovary so it's getting a bit crowded in there. So my ovaries pretty much feel like they are ready to explode! They don't constantly ache (yet), but are more just twinges of pain here and there. It's not really pain either… just a dull ache. If I bend wrong or sit weird they voice their displeasure loud and clear. They are starting to ache more and more, the bigger they get. They still have to get a bit bigger as well so it's going to get interesting in a few days. None-the-less… just another thing I am willing to put up with for the opportunity to have a baby.

All in all…. This whole IVF thing has been like a roller coaster ride. Some days are better than others. I am very tired of needles and my belly seems to be tired of it as well. I am all polka dotted and the shots are starting to hurt. Menopur is not my favorite injection. It burns like the dickens! I am also bruised on my arm where they keep drawing blood. But I am resigned. I am to the point where I am just going along with whatever… just as long as I get what I want out of it all. At this point I don't care what hell I have to go through…. I have resigned myself to it. So bring it on!

I'm Struggling

Things are starting to get harder to handle. All  the stuff leading up to the IVF was going so smoothly until lately. All the hormones being pumped into my body are really starting to effect me. It's getting harder to stay optimistic about everything. I am an emotional wreck and feel like crying one minute and yelling at someone the next. I hate being hormonal... but this time is pretty bad. 

One of the shots tonight really hurt. It must have just been a bad spot. The new medication I am on burns like heck after being injected. Really its only maybe like 5 minutes total of pain each night so It's not that big of a deal. I just dread it each night. My stomach is all polka dotted from all the needles getting shoved in it each night. It will be nice when my stomach can go back to being a stomach... instead of a pin cushion.

It is all just overwhelming. I am trying hard to stay positive but just struggling with it right now. I keep telling myself I really only have a little over two weeks before I will be all done with the IVF. Sadly I have to face the dreaded 2 week wait after that. The month of December is going to be a very emotional month. Hopefully Christmas and everything else will help keep my mind off of things and help me make it though.

Anyways on the plus side... I texted Mike this morning telling him that I wasn't feeling good and was feeling super hormonal and asked him to buy me a box of chocolates. He took it one step further and bought a box of chocolates, plus a bag of Dove chocolate. Seriously.... I don't know what I would do without him! So glad he is being so understanding of all my crazy mood swings and everything I am going through. I am also glad he is doing the shots for me since I am too big of a chicken. He is actually getting really good at it. I'm impressed! Very glad to have him in my life.

More Needles

I had to go get blood work done today as well as an ultrasound. The ultrasound got crazy. Apparently no one felt it necessary to inform me that the office I was suppose to go to was in Provo. So I was finally told after arriving at the wrong place. Overall I ended up being about 40 minutes late for my ultrasound but I got it done. It was fun seeing all those cute little follicles. She counted at least 20 in one ovary. So hopefully that means we will have lots of extra eggs that can hopefully become good embryos to freeze.

So tonight I get to start Bravelle... which puts me at two shots a day. I am honestly not too worried. I am really starting to get use to the needles. It just seems crazy that I am really starting to get into the craziness of IVF. Its all happening! So exciting!! Now if I can just pull myself out of the crazy hormonal mood swings, we will be good to go. At this point, I will be lucky if Mike doesn't divorce me before we can do the IVF.

The Song for Every Situation

You know how there is always one specific song that you just latch onto? The song that inspires and gives you hope? The song you can listen to when you are depressed. The song that seriously can fit every situation you will ever find yourself in, in one way or another. Well I have one of those songs. It has never let me down. I LOVE it!   My husband asked me out of curiosity to look at my itunes and see which song was the most played. I wasn’t surprised which song it is, but I was a little surprised to see that I have listened to it over 200 times.  It beat out 2^nd most played by over 60 plays. It even beat out my Favorite song “The Best I ever Had” by Vertical Horizon by almost 75 plays.  

This song has been here for me through all kinds of situations. The first time I heard it…. I mean REALLY heard it was on my Honeymoon back in September of 2008. Mike had played this song before, but It never jumped out at me until that day. I can remember it perfectly. We were driving on a highway between Bozeman, Montana and West Yellowstone. The trees were showing their full fall display. It was dusk, and the rain clouds were dark and really low, hiding the tops of the mountains. It was gorgeous! I remember this song coming on and the lyrics jumping out at me….” You've got the future on your side.You're gonna be fine now.I know whatever you decide. You're gonna shine.”  It hit me in that moment that I was starting a new chapter of my life. I had gone through hell with My ex, and had really made a mess of my life.  Mike was offering me a whole new life. By marrying him I was turning over a new leaf.. starting anew. I knew in that moment that I was going to be fine. I had my entire life ahead of me with him and I felt safe and really happy. 

The next instance that this song helped me was shortly after my mom died. “Look around, Where do you belong. Don’t be afraid, you’re not the only one.”  It was crazy how I could feel so alone in my grief. I know I was not alone by any means, my family was all going through the same thing. Hearing those lyrics made me realize that many people before me had gone through losing their mother at a young age, and they survived. I was not alone. Although I felt like I was a different person and almost felt like I didn’t fit in with normal society anymore because I was motherless…. I realized that I was by no means alone. It was comforting to me.

When I made the decision to leave the company I had been with for the last 6 years, I was scared. I was so uncertain that I was making the right decision by starting with a new company.  This song once again brought me comfort… “Life is short, so learn from your mistakes and stand behind the choices that you make.” That is something I have always had a problem with, is standing behind the choices that I make. I always second guess myself. I needed to trust that the decision I had made was the right decision. 

I know it sounds stupid to feel such a strong connection to a song, but this one has really helped me though. It still helps me though. It hit me yesterday that this IVF is really happening. I do my first shot tomorrow night. Before I know it I will be right in the thick of it all. It scared me, but I know I am not the only one who is going through this. Many people have done this and have survived it. I feel like it’s a huge step to take, but I am ready.  I had a coworker ask me if having a child was really worth all of the shots and medications and stress of IVF. I can honestly say that to me, it’s worth it. I still get angry on occasion that we even have to go this route, but I guess I am accepting it and just trying to move forward. As overwhelming as everything is, I am just going to take it one day at a time. 

Anyways… the full lyrics to “The Answer Lies Within” by Dream Theatre

Look around
Where do you belong
Don't be afraid
You're not the only one

Don't let the day go by
Don't let it end
Don't let a day go by in doubt
The answer lies within

Life is short
So learn from your mistakes
And stand behind
The choices that you make

Face each day
With both eyes open wide
And try to give
Don't keep it all inside

Don't let the day go by
Don't let it end
Don't let a day go by in doubt
The answer lies within

You've got the future on your side
You're gonna be fine now
I know whatever you decide
You're gonna shine

Don't let the day go by
Don't let it end
Don't let a day go by in doubt
You're ready to begin
Don't let a day go by in doubt
The answer lies within

Cautiously Optimistic

It is crazy how soon I will be doing IVF. It is also very scary at the same time. I am still waiting for the clinic to send me my calendar, but that should come in soon. I also should be getting the meds tomorrow. The 16^th of November I will go in for the little training meeting, where they will teach me how to give myself the shots. The 18^th is when I will start injections. I still have a couple weeks before I get to the injections, but things are starting to happen fast.

It is very odd when Mike and I talk about next year. We are hesitant to make plans because who knows where we will be next year. I could be pregnant, or we could be doing a frozen embryo transfer… or some other treatment. I am trying to be optimistic, but I also don't want to get my hopes up… which would leave me further to fall if the IVF doesn't work. It is hard to know how optimistic to let myself be. Yesterday we talked about Mike running the Wasatch 100 Miler (Yes, he is very crazy and is very aware of that) in September. If this IVF works, then I will be like 8 months pregnant. I have no idea what it will be like to be that far along, so I don't know if I would be able to handle being in the support vehicle the whole time he is out. I would like to, but who knows what will happen. I also have no idea if I might end up on bed rest for some reason. There are so many different factors to consider. So it is hard not being able to make concrete plans, but at the same time we don't want to cancel plans because there is always the chance I will still not be pregnant at that time.

So where is a happy medium? I know there is power in positive thinking so I need to keep positive that it will happen…. But at the same time I am scared to let myself really believe it will happen because then it will hurt more if it doesn't happen. So I am very torn in this regard. I find myself wondering how it will be to have a child. I also find myself wondering if I will be any good at taking care of a newborn. The last few nights I have been up very often with the dog (whom is sick). I am exhausted today and rather on the grumpy side. In fact, I am so grumpy that I purposely left the Halloween Candy at home even though they will be doing trick or treating around the office today. I just didn't want to deal with it! So if I am like this only have 3 or 4 days with no sleep… then how am I going to be after weeks of no sleep? How am I going to handle this? How is this going to affect my marriage seeing as I am sure I am not very pleasant for Mike to be around today? There are just so many uncertainties.

All in all I really hope this works. It would be incredible to bring home a baby that Mike and I together created. I am trying to let myself get use to the idea and trying to let myself believe it will happen. I will be really happy once I get past the IVF and the dreaded two week wait. I want to be to the point where I know if it happened and where I have a plan for the future and some sort of idea as to what to expect. If I wasn't a fan of Thanksgiving and Christmas… then I would love to skip ahead to that point, but I will just have to take it one day at a time!

Had the Best Dream Last Night!

It was one of those dreams where I didn't want to wake up.  I dreamt we had all of Mikes family and some of my family all sitting around in a circle. They were passing around and admiring our 2-3 day old baby. It was like we had just gotten home from the hospital and everyone came to see the baby. In the dream it never really leaned towards it being a boy or girl, but it cutest little baby ever. The baby was so small and had such dark hair. At one point the blanket came unwrapped and Mike and I were trying to figure out how to re wrap it. Everyone told us we would learn in time. We were obviously nervous about it and very new parents.

I watched Mike take the baby and stare into its eyes for a minute before passing it on to his parents to admire. I remember the entire time the baby was being passed around, I was really just anxious to have it back in my arms. All I wanted to do was hold it. I could tell Mike felt the same way. His eyes never left the baby as it was being passed around.

It was like in this dream I was just in such awe. Like it had not fully set in that Mike and I had created this beautiful child. It was like I could tell Mike was feeling the same was as me. We we both just stare at this little creature in wonder and awe and almost disbelief that it was really ours and we had really succeeded in having a child.

Anyways my alarm clock went off to remind me to take my birth control (kind of ironic, isn't it?) so I was sad to wake up. I didn't want that dream to end. It gives me hope that Mike and I might someday be in that position. We might some day be holding our little baby staring into its eyes in awe and admiration.

I am nervous about the IVF stuff. I am realizing that financially we my not get a second try. If the first round doesn't work, then we need to have hopefully had extra embryos from it to freeze because we wont be able to afford to go through the whole egg retrieval procedure again. It will be tough enough to scrounge up money for the Frozen Embryo Transfer.  So it will be exciting to do the IVF, but very scary knowing I may not get a 2nd attempt. So there really isn't much to do other than go with the flow and hope that my dream was a glimpse of the future.

Yellowstone...and other things.

We did a Yellowstone trip with Mikes family this year. It was a lot of fun. We ended up driving up during a snow storm, but the weather cleared up the next day. Yellowstone is gorgeous with a dusting of snow.

I did have one major break down while in Yellowstone. We went to Old Faithful and the store my parents worked at was closed down. It almost seemed right for it to be that way since my mom is no longer here. I ended up having a major breakdown and ended up going back to West Yellowstone early. I just could not handle being in that area. I have so many memories with my parents there. It really made me miss my mom and realize all I have left of her are the memories.

We are officially approved for our IVF loan. I am excited but scared. It will be exciting when things start happening. I really hope that IVF works for us. It is scary taking a $15,000 loan, but it will be so worth it to finally have a child of our own.   I will be ordering my meds in about a week and a half. That will be crazy. That will be when it officially begins. I am excited for things to start happening.

I think I am going to need a lot of positive people around me. I know that I need to try to keep myself from stressing out during the IVF. I also think that if I can keep positive and keep believing it will work... then it will up my chances of it working. So I am hoping I will have a lot of people around me who can help keep me positive.  It will be amazing to finally get to experience a pregnancy. I have been dreaming for it for a long time. Its honestly gotten to the point where I have a hard time believing it will really happen. Hence where the positive people will really come in handy.

Anyways, not much else going on besides that. Mike just ran the South Jordan Marathon yesterday and got first place in his age group. It was awesome! I was sick so I didn't go with him in the morning but was feeling better later on so Linda drove me to the finish line. We couldn't find the finish line and were about to give up when I spotted runners off the side of the road... then low and behold I realized that Mike was in that crowd. So we managed to drive over and I got some video footage of him running. I did not get to see him cross the finish line but that's ok. The look of surprise on his face when I tracked him down in the crowd was awesome. He was not expecting me to be there. It topped it all off when he found out he got 1st in his age group. It was a good day!

The Fog starts Rolling in

It is coming. I can feel the fog starting to slowly roll in. It has been two years, but that hasn't lessened the pain. I didn't think the 2^nd anniversary would be like this. I thought it would be easier. Maybe when it comes down to it, it won't be as bad, but I can already feel that feeling of dread, the darkness slowly engulfing me and we are still more than 2 months away from the actual two year anniversary.

I think what is causing it, is the fact that I will be going to St George tonight. Mike will be running the St. George Marathon on Saturday, which was when it all began two years ago. That was when my dad took my mom to the ER, when they rushed her in for exploratory surgery, when they found the tumor. We had no idea at that time that it was cancerous. I remember standing in the waiting room with my dad and the Doctor telling us nothing about the tumor looked cancerous, and that my mom was going to be fine. We had no idea that her time was quickly winding down.

I feel bad that I now associate the St. George Marathon with losing my mom. That marathon in 2009 was such a bitter sweet day. Mike finally qualified for Boston, something he had been working towards. I feel bad his victorious day also marked the beginning of the end for my mom. I feel bad that every year since it has been so hard emotionally to go to the marathon.

I think one of the biggest things I am dreading is getting to St George and walking up to the front door of my parents house. It always causes me to flash back to the day my mom died. Mike and I were the first ones to get to St. George. I will never forget walking up to the front door and my dad standing there crying. It is one of the things that I will never forget. It always brings me to tears thinking it. In fact, even writing about it has brought me to tears.

Either way this year is going to be interesting. I already feel that it will be an emotional few months, but it is going to interesting when I start the IVF meds that are suppose to make me VERY emotional. I guess IVF at this time of year wasn't the best idea, but I was not about to push back the IVF because it happened to fall at the most inopportune time of the year.

I already know I will cry when I get to St George tonight and experience being at that house without my mom there. Then I will go to bed and wake up in the morning and be ok. I am determined to keep myself busy while down there and try not to think about it. I really hope I can look thru pictures and find old pictures of my Mustang, so that is my main focus…. And of course being there for Mike and watching him cross the finish line of the marathon. I have been so excited for this trip, but I guess I didn't realize how hard it is going to be at the same time. A vacation is a vacation and I am going to try my best to pull myself out of the fog enough to enjoy it.

I Want my Mom!

After the last Infertility support group I went to, I was told that during the whole IVF stuff, I am really going to need and want someone to take care of me. Especially after the Egg Retrieval. I have been told that I probably won't really be able to walk very far for a couple of days afterwards. It was suggested that if there are any friends or family that would be willing to bring food or just help out, that it would be good to get that all lined up. It made me sit and think about it. I honestly don't know who I would even feel comfortable asking for help. It also makes me sad because I know there is nothing I would love more than for my mom to come take care of me for a few days. I know that if she were still here, she would do it in a heartbeat.

I am really trying to keep the whole infertility things separate from mourning my mom, but it is hard. In my mind it goes hand in hand. I feel like everyone is so busy in their own lives and It hurts that no one in my family can take the time to call me and ask how I am doing during all this craziness. I realize that my family is uncomfortable with the conversation and with the whole topic, and I would probably be the same way if I was talking to someone about an uncomfortable topic that I could not relate to. It just makes it hard though. I find myself thinking that if my mom were still here… she would be calling me to check up on me and just ask how I am feeling. I feel like now is a time that I could really use my mom. It makes it extremely scary facing IVF without her there to support me and tell me that it is all going to be fine.

It scares me thinking that I may be so vulnerable and may really need some help during the IVF stuff. Mike already said he will take care of dinner after the egg retrieval and transfer, which will be great. I just wonder how it will be during the day when he is at work. I also have no idea how bad it really is going to be. Maybe I will be just fine, or maybe it will be as bad as I have been told it is. Maybe I will need someone to help me with meals. Maybe I will need someone to help keep me occupied and keep my mind off any pain associated with the procedure. I also know that it will be high stress in the days between the egg retrieval and transfer, as well as during the Two Week Wait. I have to find some way to entertain myself and keep myself from sitting and stressing about it all. It all just sounds so overwhelming to me.

My dad has been great. I know he is very uncomfortable with the infertility topic and doesn't really know what to say, but at least he tries. I asked if he would possibly be willing to be in town during all the IVF stuff since I will have Dr Appointments in Provo every other day for a couple weeks. Mike will not be able to get that much time off work so I will need someone to drive me to my appointments. My dad said he is more than willing to help out. It will be a big stress relief having someone else take me to appointments versus me trying to drive to Provo on my own in the snow. I am sure my dad will also be willing to help out in any way he can. I know it won't be the same as having my mom with me, but I am glad I still have my dad in my life. I don't know what I would do without him.

I am tired of waiting!

I am at my wits end. I am tired of waiting. I found this place to go thru IVF that was cheaper and had a higher success rate. I was so excited (although terrified) to actually be moving forward with the infertility and taking the big step of IVF. I knew that it was going to be a bit of a wait to actually do the IVF, but it is just getting ridiculous!

I called and talked to the Dr office today. I was told to call the end of September. Well It seems like things are just getting pushed back. So now I have to do another month of Birth Control and then call them in the middle of October so they can get things scheduled and planned from there. I wont even be starting the stimulating drugs until Thanksgiving! Therefore IVF wont actually be until the beginning to middle of December. It just seems so far away. I cant even imagine another month of just sitting around waiting. I feel like I am sitting in one place not taking any steps forward. It is just tough.

Combine that with a VERY stressful day at work, and the fact that I am hungry but too lazy to look thru the cupboards and find food... and you have one grumpy Melissa. So I am just going to lounge in my PJ's and watch Teen Mom. I would totally pull out the ice cream or chocolate if I had any but no luck there.

Either way I am hoping I can somehow make it thru this next month rather quickly. I have a couple vacations coming up so hopefully that will help the time pass quickly. I just don't want to wait anymore. Part of me sits and thinks if I would have just gone thru the U then I would not have to wait so long to do IVF, but I really felt the place I am going was right so I need to trust that. I just need to be patient but that doesn't seem to be one of my strong points.

I really hope these next few months will go by fast. I am tired of having the IVF hanging over my head and just want it done and over with!

Dreams speak our fears

I had an interesting dream last night. I wouldn't say it is a bad dream... but it was just my self conscience portraying my thoughts and fears, no matter how stupid they may be. So I dreamt I was sitting on the porch of my old house with a couple of old friends talking. We got talking about infertility. One of them asked me if I thought maybe the reason I have not had success getting pregnant, is because I wouldn't make a good mother. I told her I didn't think that to be the case at all. Well that friend left and I was sitting talking to the other friend and asked her why that would have even been suggested and brought up by the first friend. Interestingly enough the 2nd friend said that it was a valid thought that maybe I am just not fit to be a mother.

So I told Mike about my dream and he asked if I thought anyone would actually tell me that maybe I am not going to make a good mother. I told him I don't think anyone would tell me that, but that I kinda worry about that. I wonder why I have to go through this. I wonder what Gods reasoning is for not allowing me the child I so want. What is there in the big picture that I can't see? Honestly that has crossed my mind... maybe I have not been able to have a child because maybe I wouldn't be good mother. I have no idea what type of mother I would be. I know it sounds stupid to think of that, but I cant help having thoughts like that sometimes. Either way... I hate how dreams sometimes force you to think of stuff like that and face it head on. Do I think I would be a good mother? I like to think so. I know that I can love and care for a child and that I would give so much to have that chance. Then again I am sure there will be days that I will feel like a failure as a mother. Overall... I wont really know how good of a mother I can be until I am put in that situation.

Anyways I struggle with thinking about babies. Part of me loves thinking about it but part of me is scared to let myself think of it because I don't want it to hurt worse if it doesn't happen. I almost cant help thinking about it though. I have been dreaming about turning the spare room into a nursery, and what things we would need to buy. I have been thinking about names I would love. I cant help but stare at couples with their little kids and wonder what it will be like when Mike and I have them.

It gets hard. I get so torn on what I will allow myself to think about or dream about. I want to dream about it and I want to be positive. IVF is going to be our best and last hope. I can only hope that it does work for us and we get to bring a child into this world. If it doesn't happen... then I pray that I will be able to somehow come to terms with a childless life. The future is so uncertain for Mike and I. All I know is that in October they will start working on getting my cycle timed right for a November/December IVF. I have no idea what all will happen between now and then... so all I can do it just take things one day at a time and try to keep my dreaming from getting too out of control.