If You Sleep - Tal Bachman

This song is perfect for all the feelings I had from the start of my moms illness thru the funeral. I can't even tell you how many times I have listened to this song since her death. It make me cry... but I relate to it so well.....

Figure of divine perfection
No one's loved with more affection
Soul to soul we've breathed
Oh, I won't let The Fates succeed

Worried hours of contemplation
Whispered bits of conversation
Unaffected orderlies
Disinfected rooms and hallways

And if you sleep you sleep with God
And if I cry, it's for my heart
Why should i hope to make it through?
'Cause if you sleep, I'll sleep, too

Jagged thorns and pretty petals
Butterflies and stinging nettles
Sunny days and nights of blackness
But where's the joy to cure my sadness?

And if you sleep you sleep with God
And if I cry, it's for my heart
Why should i hope to make it through?
'Cause if you sleep, I'll sleep, too

Gleaming cars and covered faces
Teary eyes in hallowed places
Grass and granite stone
No one's been more all alone

And if you sleep you sleep with God
And if I cry, it's for my heart
Why should i hope to make it through?
'Cause if you sleep, I'll sleep, too
Why should i hope to make it through?
'Cause if you sleep, I'll sleep, too

I miss her...

Losing a mother I decided has to be one of the hardest things a person can go thru. I honestly don't know how people can survive this. When I sit and think about her and how much I miss her... I feel like its too much to handle. I have no idea how I am going to make it without her. She meant so much to me and I need her.

Thanksgiving was hard. It hit me that night after all the festivities were done. I figured that putting up the Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving would help. We spent most of the evening last night getting the tree up and the house decorated. It was good for keeping my mind off things.

Today was really hard. I feel like I need projects to keep myself busy so I don't dwell on it. I am out of ideas for projects. I went to Linda's house hoping I would stay busy there. I ended up sitting around doing nothing. I got depressed so I came home. I went to bed and told Mike I just wanted to sleep the rest of the day. I only managed a 4 hour nap before my body refused to keep sleeping. I was just hurting so bad today. I think today was one of the worst days I have had. Every time I would come in the living room and see the trees and decorations, I just wanted to rip them all down and put them back away. I get no pleasure from the tree. If anything it depresses me more. The holidays mean nothing to me now. I feel like I have nothing to celebrate.

I have started playing the piano again. I played it a lot when I first got my piano but then hit a lull... where I didn't play it so much. Now I play it usually once a day. I need it. It is a way to get my emotions out thru each key that I hit, and each song that I play. I like to play the songs I know really well because I don't have to focus on the notes. I can play from memory and think of other things. Sometimes I can just sit and stare at the picture of my mom while I play. Being able to sit and play the piano is really good therapy. This is my little Shrine I have sitting on my piano. The doily is one she made for me and gave to me as a wedding gift last year.

I really miss her. It is so hard knowing I can't call her up with a question... or to be able to call and vent to her. I did a little craft project I finished yesterday and my first thoughts were to send a pic text to my mom. I always loved showing her my craft projects and different things I did. She always made me feel like it was the best in the world. I miss her so much. It is hard thinking about her being gone. I honestly have no idea how I am going to survive without her. I can't imagine my life without her.

I guess I should post about my craft project. I made little Christmas trees out of tomatoe plant rings. I grabbed three small rings and one big ring from the garden. I wraped them with a strand of white lights and then wrapped tinsel around that. I then added some ornamants.

I saw my mom last night...

Disclaimer: Some people probably wont believe anything in this post. I am not trying to convince people of something that may be against their beliefs. My intent on posting this is not for any reason other than for myself. I want to make sure to get this special experience written down so as not to forget it. I plan to have my blog printed into a book next year so I am writing this for my records... so that I can always have this to reflect on.

Around 1:30 ish last night I saw my mom. I didn't expect it. I went to roll over and noticed a figure standing by my door in my bedroom. It took a minute to realize that it was my mom. She wasn't very vivid. It was almost like an outline of her body with faint coloring to her. She was wearing her normal every day style of clothing. The thing that made me realize it was her was her hair. She started moving closer to the end of the bed and kinda lifted up so she could look down at me. She then vanished. I turned back over intent on waking Mike up and saw her standing on his side of the bed. She then started moving like she was coming around to my side of the bed but vanished again. I was laying there on my back and all of a sudden I felt someones arms wrap around me in a hug. I can't even explain the feeling. It wasn't as strong as if a human were hugging me. It was a much lighter pressure but I could just feel arms around me that held me for like 10 seconds. I just laid there enjoying the warmth I felt, and tears came to my eyes. I then thanked my mom for being there for me.

I am so glad I had that experience. I have told Mike often that one of the things that kills me is knowing she can't be here physically. I was just wanting to be able to hug her one last time. I think that was her way of answering my wishes.

I laid there in bed for about an hour after that trying to decide if that was real. I think it was real and I don't think I was asleep. I honestly think she came to visit. I talked to my dad this morning and told him about it. He said sometime in the middle of the night he woke up and was just having a hard time. He felt so empty and was missing my mom. So he said a prayer. He said a warm feeling surrounded him. I was joking with him and told him that after my mom visited him she figured she might as well stop by my room since she was already here.

Anyways... I am so glad I have this experience to remember her by. I love her so much and I am glad to know she is still around me and that I can feel her spirit with me. I honestly don't know how people could NOT believe in an afterlife. There is so much proof that spirits do go on. It also helps to know I will see her again someday.

P.S. My dad and I went and put poinsettias on her grave today. My roses were still there from last weekend. They are actually still looking good. I figure that is probably because they were under a pile of snow and probably frozen in a state of perfection. I feel better knowing she has flowers on her grave. She knows she is loved and missed.

Denial Land

So I have been spending a fair amount of time in Denial Land (as Kelly would call it). It is just so easy to pretend that my mom is still alive and just in St George... and that I just haven't seen her or talked to her for awhile. I feel guilty being in denial land... but I don't feel like I have much control. During the week I work and then come home and work on a project so I don't have much time to think about it. The weekend is when it gets me.

I was feeling guilty for being in denial. Mike pointed out that I am not as much in denial as I think. I may not think about it and may not cry about it all the time... but I have my moments. I really do. Sometimes I will be sitting there at work and it hits me. Like tonight I was sitting reading a book and it hit me. It always takes my breath away when I think of her gone. I honestly feel like I can't breath. Then come the waterworks.

Sometimes I will keep thinking about the day she died and I can't get the memories out of my head. That's the hardest part for me. Hearing that I was too late was the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I can still remember the feeling and dropping to the floor and just bawling hysterically. I hate thinking of getting to St George that night and my dad standing in the doorway crying. I just hugged him and cried... then went and cried with my grandma. I will never forget that day. I can't think of that day without breaking down and crying. Sometimes those memories haunt me.

The nightmares I was having have stopped. I am glad. I am finally starting to get some decent sleep now. I think I am slowly starting to heal. There is going to be a lot more bad times and I am sure it will get worse before it gets better. The holidays are going to be hard. Thanksgiving just wont be the same without her. At least I have my family I get to be with.

I go visit my moms grave alot. I feel like its a good way for me to connect with her. It was sad the day I went and they had thrown away the beautiful arrangements from the graveside service. I felt so bad that her grave was so bare and I didn't bring her flowers. I made sure to take her some flowers this weekend. I took her some roses. They were not as gorgeous as all the arrangements she had at the graveside service... but at least her grave wasn't so bare. I wish they would keep the flowers there longer.

It is all still so crazy. Sometimes it blows my mind thinking about it all. Sometimes I get nervous when I go somewhere where I know I will end up being around people who haven't seen me since her death. I know they all want to offer their condolences... which I appreciate... but I dont know how to respond. I never know what to say to them and I am kinda getting tired of the condolences. Its just hard. I hate that I get so nervous talking to people now. I just wish I knew how to respond to people.

Life will be interesting. I am trying to find my new "normal" since my life will never be the old level of "Normal" I once knew. It is confusing and sometimes frustrating feeling like my world crumbled down around me. The thought of rebuilding is terrifying! I am glad that I have Mike with me. He is honestly my support. There is no way I could make it thru any of this without him. He gives me hope for the future and makes the task of rebuilding not quite so daunting. I honestly couldn't imagine going thru this without him.

Tremonton and Hill Aerospace Museum

So Mike and I went and spent the day with Jenny and Roger, their Family, and my Dad. We all went to the Hill Aerospace Museum. It was a lot of fun. I had no idea that place is free. It was neat seeing all the airplanes.

Mike and I both had little shadows. Alissa started out using Mike to hide behind. She didn't want Parker to see her. Then they struck up little conversations. She stayed right by his side though.... even when he would get behind because some engine caught his attention.

Brinley was my little shadow. I guess Jenny told her she could walk ahead only if she stayed by me. She did a good job sticking with me. She then wanted to ride back to Tremonton with Mike and I so we put her car seat in the back of my car. We must not have been all that exciting to her though because she slept most of the way. It made all the other kids jealous that they didn't get to ride with us.

After the museum we went back and had a nice turkey dinner and watched the movie "Bedtime Stories". It was really a fun night!

Here are pictures from the museum. I didn't have my camera so these were taken with my cell phone...

"I Can't Even Imagine..."

One of the comments I hear al ot from people is "I cant even imagine what you are going thru." I use to be like that. I couldn't imagine losing a parent. The thought of it about killed me. I don't mind when people make this comment. I am just glad that those making that comment don't have to experience what I am going thru.

This comment makes me realize that I cant even begin to explain to people what its like. I have so many different emotions surging thru me at any given time that its almost exhausting! One minute I am fine, the next minute I am a wreck. One minute I am in denial... the next minute it hits me full force, like being punched in the stomach (not that I have ever been punched in the stomach... but I think I have an idea what it might feel like). It is just crazy how many emotions one person can feel in a matter of minutes.

I have been kind of numb to things lately. Christmas music use to excite me but it does nothing for me now. I don't have the energy to do the things I use to do. Mike has pretty well taken over dishes and the such. I just don't have the motivation. I don't know when that motivation will be back.. if ever. I hate feeling numb. I hate that I have no excitement or drive in life. I almost feel dead to the world. None of the things that use to excite me really do much for me. All the things I was excited for prior to her passing, don't matter to me anymore.

Don't get me wrong... sometimes I am fine. Sometimes I feel optimistic and can find little projects that make me happy... temporarily. Cassie actually suggested a project that I am now putting all of my time into. Which by the way requires me to get memories people have of my mother. So feel free to post any memories. Think of it as your way of helping me to heal :-)

I kept just wanting to go to sleep to escape my thoughts for a while. Well sleeping isn't really working so well for me right now. I toss and turn al ot during the night and I have a lot of nightmares and dreams. Ever since getting back from St. George I have dreamt of my mom every night. Most nights I have nightmares about things happening to her body that I cannot stop. For example I keep dreaming of horrible things like her casket getting dropped down a flight of stairs on accident or things happening to her body and I am powerless to protect her. I think that stems from worrying about her being so cold in the ground covered in snow and not being able to keep her body warm... even though I know she is not connected to it anymore.

Last night wasn't such a horrible dream but it still wasn't pleasant. I dreamt her funeral and everything went wrong and half the family was late for it no matter how hard we tried to be on time things kept coming up making us later and later. Also last night I dreamt she was standing by my side of the bed adjusting the flat screen TV on the wall (which in reality is just a picture we have hanging there). In my dream I was kicking Mike trying to wake him up so he could see her before she vanished but he wouldn't wake up. In reality I was kneeing him in the back and mumbling in my sleep.

Anyways.... this is all new territory for me and my family. None of us would have thought we would be dealing with the loss of our mother so early. I don't really know what to expect... but right now things are just crazy. I just feel like I change moods so quickly and unexpectedly. I also have no idea when the dreams and nightmares will stop and when I get get a good nights rest again. I am doing what everyone keeps telling me... to take it one day at a time. I don't think I have any other option. It would be too overwhelming to not take it one day at a time. So hopefully things get better. Maybe someday soon the numbness will diminish and I will feel joy again thinking about Christmas and Thanksgiving.

P.S. I am sure this sounds dorky but today I wrote a letter to my future kids describing what their Grandma Bone was like. I wanted to make sure to get all the details and memories down on paper before they start to fade. Hopefully by this letter they will have a good understanding of the incredible grandmother they are descendants of.

Just had to share my neat experience

I have been having a hard time now that the funeral is over and she is in the ground and I am back home. It is hard to get back into things when I am just so numb to everything and don't care to do anything right now. One thing I have had a hard time with is religion and just me as a person. I know my mom always wanted us to all come back to the church and get married in the temple. I am not very close to that. I haven't been active at church. There are things I believe about the church and things I question. Religion hasn't been anything I have thought about lately but now I am forced to think about it and figure out my beliefs.

I have felt guilty though that I have not and possibly will not ever fulfill her dream of going thru the temple. I have also felt like I need to change myself as a person to be better and to make her proud of me. Anyways this morning I was making breakfast and the first song that I noticed playing on Mikes computer... was "Mother" by Pink Floyd. He had his computer on shuffle so it was randomly picking songs. That one sorta got my attention but not too much. Anyways then the song "The Answer Lies Within" came on which is a song about picking yourself up after hard times and realizing the future is on your side and choosing to move on. The next song was "Angels Among Us". By this point she had my attention... she was playing all these songs that fit my situation so well. So then after that Billy Joel's song "Just The Way You Are" came on.

That song has a lot of connections and memories for me. I would hear it every time I went to Montana because my grandmas keyboard had it as a demo song... so I always would make it play it. so I have always associated that with Montana. I have never really listened to the words before but the very first words just struck me as an answer from my mom. The first words go as follows: "Don't go changing, to try to please me. You've never let me down before..." I just started bawling when I heard that. I just felt her so strongly here and felt that was her answer to me struggling with who I am and who I should be. The whole song was what I needed to hear. I am going to post the entire lyrics because they are so incredible. This song will forever hold a place in my heart and have a new meaning for me.

Don't go changing, to try and please me
You never let me down before
Don't imagine you're too familiar
And I don't see you anymore
I wouldn't leave you in times of trouble
We never could have come this far
I took the good times, I'll take the bad times
I'll take you just the way you are

Don't go trying some new fashion
Don't change the color of your hair
You always have my unspoken passion
Although I might not seem to care
I don't want clever conversation
I never want to work that hard
I just want someone that I can talk to
I want you just the way you are.

I need to know that you will always be
The same old someone that I knew
What will it take till you believe in me
The way that I believe in you.

I said I love you and that's forever
And this I promise from the heart
I could not love you any better
I love you just the way you are.

Interestingly enough the next song that came on was a cold play song that starts out "Those who are dead are not dead, they're just living in our heads."

I needed so badly to feel her close to me and I am happy she was able to communicate with me thru music. It was just a neat experience I wanted to share.

I could never thank him enough...

I just wanted to brag about how incredible of a husband I have. I cannot thank him enough for all he does for me and for being my support thru this tough week. He stayed by my side and was a shoulder to cry on. He was so supportive and was there for me when I needed him. I could have never made it thru all of this without him.

I can honestly say that I married my best friend. I have so much fun with him. We can sit and be serious when we need to but can also laugh and tease the heck out of each other. He is so much fun to be around. He is an incredible person and an inspiration for me. I am so proud of him for working hard on his running and being able to qualify for Boston.

I feel like the luckiest person to end up with him. I sometimes wonder how I ended up with him and if it is only just a dream. I just can't imagine my life without him. He is my other half and I would be so lost without him.

Thanks Mike, for being so great and being there for me. Thanks for picking me up off the floor and letting me cry on your shoulder when I got the bad news that my mom was gone. Thanks for listening to me vent my feelings and sorrow. Thanks for making sure you stayed with me and keeping me going thru it all. Thanks for going to Oak Grove and sitting on the big rock and just letting me cry to you about my loss. I love that every time I started crying, you were right there beside me holding me. You really are an incredible person and I don't know how I can ever thank you enough for being so great. I LOVE YOU!

I will miss you Mom!

So for those that didn't know, My mom passed away Monday afternoon from a blood clot that hit her heart. It was a quick an unexpected death. I am so glad it was quick though and she didn't have to go thru chemo or radiation. It is still hard to accept the fact that I can't see her when I want, nor can I call her when I need to vent.

This whole week has been such a blur but it has been incredible! We have had all the family together and have been able to enjoy each others company. It has been so neat having everyone together.

Yesterday morning we all got together and dressed my mom. I was so afraid to see her but dressing her was the neatest thing. It was like therapy. We could all feel my moms spirit in the room so strong. I am so thankful I got to do it.

Last night we had a viewing. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I was able to see her in the coffin and be ok with it. I am glad there was such a good spirit in the room. It was sad but there was a lot of happiness and it was nice to talk to everyone. I have a feeling the funeral is going to be different though. I am also glad that before everyone arrived Jenny and I were able to sing Primary songs at the piano and harmonize like we always did growing up. My mom loved hearing us sing so I am so glad we got to sing for her one more time.

It still doesn't feel like reality to me. I don't know when its going to be reality for me. I know it's going to hit me hard... I just don't know when. I already miss her. I wish I could give her one final hug. It also kills me that she wont be there for when I have kids. I wanted so bad for her to be around for that. I just feel too young to have lost my mother already. There is still so much I need her for. I just have to accept that she was needed on the other side.

I am glad she is with her dad. That had to have been such an incredible reunion getting to be with her dad and meet her brother Ronnie for the first time who had died a few hours after being born. I know she is happy and not in pain anymore. I am happy for her... I am just sad for those of us left behind that have to try to fill the void left behind from such an incredible person!

Every Kids Dream!

So we have massive amounts of leaves that fall off our trees. We have already raked a bunch of leaves in the front and bagged them, and Mike took the time to rake the back yard into a huge pile. Some of you might remember how we threw the dog into the piles of leaves last year; well that has become a tradition. So the pile in our back yard is huge! Every kids dream! We are planning on bagging them all this weekend but until then... its just one huge pile.

We baby sat Mikes niece and nephew this evening. They were so excited to see the small leaf pile in the front yard so I knew they would be extra excited to see the pile in the back yard. So we led them out back and their eyes got huge. They wanted to jump in it but at first Mike didn't want them to. I convinced him that it would be a good way to entertain the kids for a little while and that it could always be raked up again later.

They had a blast! They thought it was the neatest thing ever! Molly even got thrown in a few times. I got some good pictures of them but then decided I wanted to join in the fun. So I jumped in with them. It was fun. It sucked trying to pick all the leaves out of my hair afterwards... but soooo worth it! So now for some pictures and video...

Update on my Mom: She is out of the hospital. They sent her home today finally after a month of being in there. I am glad she is doing so much better. They just have to get her completely healed from the surgery and they can then test for the cancer. I am just happy she is home!

Halloween

We started out our Halloween by getting up at 5 am to head to Provo for a Halloween Half Marathon Mike ran. We made a bed in the back of the SUV for me so I could sleep for a few hours before he would be at the finish line. The race was suppose to start at 8 am so I figured I would get to the finish line by 9:10 so as not to miss him. So I wander over there at the said time and noticed the clock only showed them running for 12 minutes. They then announced they had a really late start. So I headed back to the SUV and read for another hour before heading back.

Mike did really well. His time was 1:24:01 which was a PR (Personal Record) for him. I thought he came in ninth but apparently I need to go back to preschool to learn how to count again. He actually was number 10 out of 727 runners. He was also third in his age group. It was a fun race. There were lots of people in costume. We saw some interesting costumes, like Balloon Boy, and Bill Gates. It was fun.

I don't know if you can read his shirt but it says "This is my Marathoner Costumer"
We then headed home and took a nap an relaxed most of the day. We did end up going shopping in the afternoon but it was crazy. Everyone and their dog were at walmart. I hate crowds so I was just anxious to get done and get out of there.

Halloween night came around and we ended up adding some neat decorations to our grave yard scene. We took some fire wood and piled it up and put a big black cauldron on it. We then put orange lights under the fire wood so it looked like fire. We also put some white garbage bags in the cauldron with an orange light in side so it looked like it was liquid inside bubbling over. It was cute. I was so proud of our work. Sadly we didn't get any trick or treaters except Mikes niece and nephew and Linda and Shelley's kids. That was only because I called Linda and begged her to bring them trick or treating to our house so they could see my cool yard. It was rather disappointing no one else showed but part of it was our porch light wouldn't stay on. I figured that was probably the biggest reason.

On the plus side... Mike and I got to watch The Lost Boys. I love that movie. Its a fun one. So we watched that and ate dinner and then called it a night. It was an ok night but I still wish we could

have had some trick or treaters.... but oh well. I guess Halloween isn't what it use to be.

We tried to get pictures of our yard but it was hard to get any good ones in the dark. So this is the best we could do.

Mikes niece and nephew Saleen and Dallas