Last Post of the Year

So I had to get one last post in before 2010 is officially over. So 2010 has been a tough year. I spent the first part of the year in a fog. Dealing with the loss of a loved one consumes you and your every waking thought. It was hard coming to terms with the loss of my mother. I had to go through the holidays and birthdays without her. There were times I honestly wasn't sure how in the world I was going to survive it all. I also felt like my whole world had changed and I felt so out of place. It's hard to describe grief to someone that hasn't ever gone through it themselves.

I actually just moments ago finished reading the book "My Sister's Keeper". I was warned by Cassie that it is a tear-jerker. I thought I was doing so good until the end where everything changed and I almost felt blindsided. So I inevitably had a good cry over it. There is one part that in the book that talks about grief that I love how they phrase it...


"See, as much as you want to hold on to the bitter sore memory that someone has left this world, you are still in it. And the very act of living is a tide; at first it seems to make no difference at all, and then one day you look down and see how much pain has eroded."


I was so consumed in grief and felt like I would never start to heal. Then one day I came to the realization that I was finally living life again. I had switched out of survival mode back into living. It's almost like I was so consumed with the overwhelming grief, that I did not realize that I had slowly been starting to heal. This is a quote that I just love and had hanging in my cubicle at work for a long time...

"You don't think you'll live past it and you don't really. The person you were is gone. But the half of you that's still alive wakes up one day and takes over again. -Barbara Kingsolver

Anyways... I have high hopes that I will do more living in 2011. I have a lot of neat opportunities that I will be participating in, ranging from my car restoration to some volunteer work. I am so grateful that I have my family for support, and I am really looking forward to the new adventures I am about to embark in. So even though last year I didn't want to say it because I was angry about New Years... this year I will say it and mean it... Happy New Years everyone!!

The last rock

So I finished the rock I did for Mike for Christmas... so I gave it to him early. I more or less didn't feel like trying to wrap it... so I figure giving it to him early wouldn't be a big deal. So I had a really hard time getting a good picture. The camera was determined it would not get a good picture. The white part of it is way too bright in the picture, but oh well. I am glad to be done with my rock projects now. I enjoyed the painting, but it was kinda stressful having so many of them to do at one time. So anyways here it is...

So my families Christmas Party was yesterday. It was fun but very chaotic. We left for a bit and went to the Luminary services at the cemetery. Its always so neat seeing the rows and lights. Its like a sea of lights. Its neat. It was nice to escape the chaos for a few. The party was lots of fun though, just very loud with all the kids.

Today I went over to Linda's and played nuts with her and Kari. I love how competitive we can get playing nuts. It was fun. I managed to win by a landslide. It was just my lucky day I guess. It was fun getting together with them for awhile today. I am glad we can have so much fun playing nuts.

Another Rock down... one more to go

Mikes sister Holly asked me to paint a rock to look like their dog Hannah, that they can give to their kids for Christmas. So I just got it finished tonight. This was my attempt. It honestly doesn't look much like their dog... but it is still a cute rock. I think I have learned that I am not very good at painting rocks to look like peoples pets. Oh well.... I tried. So now I just have one more rock to finish up which wont be posted until after Christmas, seeing as it is Mikes Christmas gift from me. I have rather enjoyed all the rock painting lately and think I want to keep it up. Its kinda fun!

I am now officially a paid Artist :-)

So my friend/coworker asked me if I would paint an owl that she can give as a Christmas gift to a friend. I am all about painting rocks lately and have had a few rocks to do before Christmas. The best part of the deal, she was willing to pay me for it. No one has ever paid me for a rock before. I had someone try to pay but my dear, sweet husband told them we couldn't accept the money. It really isn't even about the money. In fact, I feel really bad taking her money, but I really just want to be able to say someone has bought my artwork.

I have a few rocks I am painting for people for Christmas, and plan on having those done hopefully soon. I will post pictures of them as I get them done. The owl didn't take too long. I would say it took maybe 5 hours, which is much quicker then most of the rocks take. I am very pleased with how this rock turned out. In fact.... I like it much better than the owl we have in our tree. I think its because the eyes turned out so good. Anyways.... enough rambling.... here is the finished product. Oh, and I painted a cardboard container thing trying to make it look like a tree stump. This is the best I could do... but I figure it doesn't matter since the rock is really the important part, right??

Wreathes

I decided last year that I was going to make it a tradition to make a wreathe for my mom out of our tree trimmings. Luckily we had enough tree trimmings to make two wreathes so I did one for my mom, and one for Mikes Grandma (who just passed away) and his Grandpa. So I spent the better part of the day making these wreathes, while Mike worked on putting in a new faucet which was quite an adventure which I will talk more about in a minute. Anyways, I think the wreathes turned out fairly good. I am excited to go put them on graves tomorrow. It will be nice.
This first one is for Mikes Grandparents. His Grandma LOVED red. This one I made with more of a messy look than the one for my mom. I almost think I like the messy look better. It makes it look fuller.

This one I did for my mom. I figured since last year I did more of a Christmas themed one... this year it would be more of a winter theme with blues and whites. I am still not sure how I like this one compared to last year, but it works. My dad is thinking about buying solar powered LED lights to put on the wreathe. That would be neat!

Now back to Mike's adventure. Our faucet in the kitchen was old, and sucked. It was to the point where it leaked every time we turned it on so water would end up all over the counters. So we finally decided to give in and buy a new Faucet. We are not really big fans of white, but we have a white sink so it only seemed natural to get a white faucet. Besides the one we liked only came in white. Just as a side note, if I ever build a house.... it WILL NOT have white sinks. I cant stand white sinks!!

Anyways... so Mike spends a couple hours getting the new faucet installed. The process was going fairly smoothly except for a few minor glitches with a few cuss words involved. He gets it all installed and the water turned back on... and turns on the faucet. Nothing comes out. He messes with it and still cant get water to come out. He then took the spout part off (since the spout pulls out and turns into a sprayer) and the water is coming out fine. So there is a problem with the spout. He had commented when putting that part on, that it looked used. So anyways.... off to home depot we go with the spout and our receipt. Luckily they were nice and swapped out the spout for us. Mike did NOT want to take the entire faucet back off again. So we got the new one on.... and it works!! Yay! It would have been horrible to have to take off the entire thing again... so I was glad Home Depot was fine about swapping out the spout. So now we have a nice faucet that doesn't leak all over the counters!! So all in all... it has been a very productive day!

An M&M Christmas

My family decided to do a tree for the Festival of Trees in honor of my mom. Of course we had to do an M&M tree since she loved M&M's. It was so perfect for her. We have been collecting things for it the last few months. We were able to buy some M&M candy tins to use as ornaments. I also bought some clear ornaments and stenciled an M on it and filled it with M&M's. We also bought some stuffed M&M's for it. Total this tree ended up being a little over $450... but it was so worth it.

Today was decorating day at South Town Expo Center. It was pretty crazy there and it took us most of the day... but we got it done. I think it turned out pretty well. I am interested to see if it sells and how much it sells for. I am glad we did it though. It is the perfect way to honor my mom. The picture I have isn't the best... but it works. So here it is... our masterpiece!

It's hard to tell, but there is a nutcracker on the top of the tree. The M&M on the chair is reading "The Night Before Christmas", and the green M&M is standing on a ladder putting an ornament on the tree. So yeah... there it is!

What an incredible person...

Marylou Epperson.... what an incredible person. She was so sweet, but also knew how to speak her mind. She had a really great sense of humor. In the short time I have known her.... she has definitely made an impression on me. Mike and his family are very lucky to have had such a great person in their lives. She will be missed.

Yesterday started out like any other Thanksgiving... in the kitchen baking. I spent the morning making rolls.... then we headed over to Linda's for my family's Thanksgiving at 1. We had the Turkey, the cheeseball, and all the fixings. As odd as it sounds.... we even had a rubber ducky fight. Shelley had done a game where she had all these Thanksgiving themed rubber duckies on the table. They each had a number. She then drew numbers to see who would get a prize. It was a lot of fun. It was a lot of fun afterwards chucking rubber duckies at each other. We also wandered over to Walmart at one point and finally bought the actual Christmas tree we are using for the Festival of trees. It was fun.

So at about 3... Mike and I headed home to grab the goodies we were taking to his family's Thanksgiving at 4. Well we got a call shortly after we got home saying Mikes Grandma was not in good shape, and they didn't think she was going to last the hour. So we went to the Care Facility she was at. The family was all gathered around her when she passed.

It was really hard. I have never watched someone take their last breath. There were a lot of tears... but we all knew that she was going to be reunited with her husband (who passed away 23 yrs ago on Halloween), daughter, and countless others. It was still hard none the less. After she passed, we all decided to go and still have Thanksgiving dinner at Mike's parents house. It was a nice dinner.... but it had that underlying sadness to it. After the incident with the flames shooting out of the oven (the marshmallows on the yams caught on fire), we sat down to ate and said the Serenity Prayer. I didn't know that prayer, but it was a nice prayer. We then watched family videos from the 40's-60's. It was neat seeing her as a young mother.

Something that blows my mind is when we were at the Care Center, Mikes mom asked me how I was doing. She was concerned about me since it has only been a year since losing my mom. I didn't expect her to be so worried about me when it was them that were getting hit the hardest with losing their mother/grandmother. That's when I lost it. Heather gave me a hug and told me that the other day she went to the cemetery and stopped by my moms grave. That honestly means the world to me that she took the time to stop and visit my mom. Mikes family were incredible last year with their concern for me. I honestly have the best in-laws ever! I love that they have really accepted me into their family.

My heart goes out to them all. It is not easy losing someone. I plan on being there for anything they need. They are my family and I really do feel like part of the family. So I will be a shoulder to cry on, as well as I know Mike is still going to be a shoulder for me to cry on. I guess in a sense I am still rather fragile right now. It honestly brings all the memories of losing my mom back up to the surface. I know we will all make it through this, and Marylou will never be forgotten.

Thankful

I am currently working on putting all of 2009 blog postings into a book so that Mike can order it for me as a Christmas Gift. I honestly had no idea it would be so hard! It's crazy to read through these entries that took place in the last year of my moms life.

I keep thinking to myself how I would have done things different if I only knew it would be the last little while with my mom. Especially my 2009 birthday spent in St George. My last birthday I got to spend with my mom. Mike had a very good point on it all. He said that I couldn't have made that St. George trip any better. If i had known it was the last time with my mom... I would have probably spent the whole trip worrying and stressing about it being the last time. It is so true! I read thru that entry, and remember back to how much fun that entire trip was. I couldn't have made it any better... even if I tried.

It just makes me so thankful for all the time that I had with my mom. I am so glad that I got to have all of these great experiences with her. I am so grateful for the time I had with her, and so thankful that I got to call her "mom". I honestly couldn't have had a better mother.

So as hard as it is to go thru all of these blog entries knowing what its all leading up to.... I can still look at it all and be grateful for all the memories. I am glad I kept such good track of things and wrote on my blog often that year. I regret that I haven't written on my blog as much this year, but I think last year really mattered. I never would have know last February that I was recording all the details of my last birthday with her. It has turned into such a cherished memory... I am glad I have it all recorded. And if I were ever given the chance to change the way I lived or spent the year of 2009... I wouldn't change a thing!

Good thing Mike was paying attention...

We went grocery shopping at Walmart today. This is one of the items we bought... a 5.5 oz bag of Trail Mix. Who would have thought this one little bag of Trail Mix could cause such a headache. So every time we go grocery shopping, Mike keeps tabs on the prices and makes sure we don't go over our budget. He is good at keeping tabs on things... so imagine our shock when we got to the check out and our total was $30 over what we had budgeted. Mike asked to see the receipt to find out why... and there was a charge for $30.94. Nothing we had bought would have even come close to that amount. So the cashier looked over what we had and scanned some things to see if she could find out what it was that had that cost but finally gave up and said she would just remove that charge. So we finished up there (after having another problem with a gift card and a manager having to come over and everything else). I'm sure that the cashier was just happy to have us out of there.

Anyways, we got home and Mike decided he wanted to check all the bar codes as we put stuff away to see what in the world would have possibly rang up that high. We were a bit shocked to see that it was this dinky bag of trail mix. So obviously whoever put it in the system.... probably added an extra zero in there. So Mike, being the good citizen he is, called walmart to let them know that they have their system wrong and they need to change it. He didn't want someone else to buy it who might not pay so much attention and realize they were totally getting overcharged. Walmart really didn't do much. They thanked him for calling but they didn't really seem to care. It makes me wonder how many people are getting overcharged every day and never realize it. It makes me definitely want to double check all my receipts now. I just thought I would share that so we can all be aware that its easy to get totally ripped off without even knowing. So always check your receipts!!

Yup, I fell off the face of the Earth...

I use to be so good at this whole Blogging thing.... but for some reason, I one day woke up just not feeling it anymore. So I have not posted since September.... which is sad because a lot has happened that I can't remember. So I will try my best at remembering.

The last post was about the Mesa Falls half Marathon.... well I did another Half marathon in October. I did The Other Half, which is a half marathon in Moab. It was a lot of fun. We had a big group of us that ran it. Mikes Dad ran it, along with his sisters Holly and Heather. We also had Heathers girlfriend Julia run it. So we all ended up renting a house in Moab which was actually a lot of fun. It was a tough race but we all finished so that's good.

October 25th I started a new job with a new company. It was scary leaving the company I had been with for 6 years... but I needed out of the position I was in. So I am still in training with this new company, but I think it will be a good thing. It seems like training has been using up my entire brain so I'm pretty well brain dead at the end of each day. I forget how tough it is to cram a ton of info into my head each day.

I survived the one year anniversary of losing my mom. I actually took that day off work because I wasn't sure what type of condition I would be in. I spent the entire day with family... so it was nice. We had a nice turkey dinner, visited the cemetery, as well as worked on the M&M tree.

The M&M tree is the tree we are donating to the Festival of Trees in honor of my mom. So we have been scrambling to get as much M&M themed stuff as possible. So far it is coming together well. We have two - 2ft M&Ms that will be standing next to the tree. One of them we are thinking we will pose so they are hanging an ornament. We also got some colorful tin M&M ornaments and I was able to find clear plastic ornaments that were M&M shaped. I stencilled the M on them and we filled them with M&M's. So that's what we have so far. We still have not bought the actual Christmas tree... but we know which one we want to use. We still have a bunch more we want to buy for this tree. Its getting a little stressful actually, but it will be neat. I am excited to see if the tree will sell and how much it will go for. I think its neat we are doing this. My mom LOVED M&M's so its just so perfect for her!

I think we are about caught up. I know a lot more happened, but I really cant remember. I need to get back into blogging, but I tend to keep myself busy with other stuff. Hopefully I can get back into the spirit of blogging. I also need to get working on my blog book for last year so I can get it ordered and printed up. Maybe that will be today's project... we'll see.

I've taken up running, but still can't keep up with life...

I suck at keeping up on my blog. Life just gets crazy and then I get lazy. Ok so really life hasn't been that crazy, I am really just lazy. So I am still running. Its tough, but I have seen some good results weight wise. I am still signed up for The Other Half half marathon in Moab in October. I am rather scared about the whole deal. The mileage is fine.... I know I can do the mileage. What scares me is the speed factor. This race has a time cut off which is going to be a little bit of a stretch for me. I am hoping I can finish before they close the course. I guess we will see how it goes.

I have been doing a lot of job hunting and interviews. Since they relocated my office to West Valley, it has turned my commute into a half hour commute which really sucks. So I need to find something close to home. Oh and it will be nice to have a job that doesn't drive me nuts, and possibly a job I may actually like.

Its getting close to the one year mark of my mothers death. I can definitely tell. Its almost like the leaves changing reminds me of losing her. So I have had her on my mind a lot lately. I'm not sure how I am going to be able to handle the 1 yr anniversary. That's going to be tough. I am also a little nervous about going to St. George this weekend for The St George Marathon. That will be the anniversary of her getting sick. Its crazy to think how she was fine one minute, and the next minute she was sick... and then gone. Sometimes I still have a hard time believing she is gone.

Anyways.... I need to be better at writing posts, but I wont guarantee that I will be. Especially since I am going thru a tough time of year. I don't know if I will feel up to it, but I will sure try!

Mesa Falls Marathon

For Mikes birthday, I decided to register him for the Mesa Falls Marathon in Ashton, ID. Mesa Falls in a gorgeous area and I knew it would be a really pretty race. Plus this takes care of Idaho on his goal to run a marathon in every state. Little did I know at the time I was registering him for it, that I would end up running the Half Marathon.

We headed to Ashton Thursday night and lounged around Friday. This morning (Saturday) Mike headed off to the buses a couple hours before I needed to head out. They started the full Marathon 2 hours before the Half. I was really nervous and had not done very many long runs prior to this, and had not been running as much due to health problems. I decided at the last minute, that I really did want to do this. I knew I would kick myself if I didn't. I figured I would end up coming in last, but decided I would go for it. What better place to do your first Half Marathon, than a gorgeous area like Mesa Falls... that I have loved since the first time I took the Mesa Falls Scenic Byway. Plus this race did not have a time cut off. They would keep the finish line open until every person came across. So I wouldn't have to stress about not making it on time.

So I am up at the start of the Half Marathon with all the other 280 runners waiting for our race to start. We were all cheering on the full marathoners as they went past. i figured Mike had already past before I even got up to the start line so I didn't think I would see him. Suddenly he comes running past scanning the crowd. He looked at me, told the guy he was running and chatting with that he would be back, ran over to me and gave me a huge hug and kiss before continuing on his way. The crowd LOVED it! A big cheer went up. Plus I had tons of people comment how cute it was and how amazed they were he still had that much energy half way thru a marathon. It was cute and it made me feel loved that he would stop running in the middle of a race just to give me a hug and kiss.

So finally the Half Marathon started. It veered off onto a trail for the first couple miles. Apparently, I am not a good trail runner because I tripped on a rock and scraped up my leg pretty good. See picture below...

It hurt pretty bad. I got up, took stock and decided I could still run. I was determined that I would not get a DNF (Did not finish) on my first Half Marathon. So I ran it all. It was hard... and very painful. The salt from my sweat hurt every time it would drip down my sore leg. Plus every time my foot pounded down, it sent jolts of pain up my leg. Suddenly, my goal of not coming in last changed to a goal of just finishing the race.

Mike meanwhile, did really well which surprised us both since he had just run Park City Marathon last week. two marathons a week apart is crazy! He managed to come across at 3:13 and was 5th overall... 2nd in his age group. He had a really good race. I am soo incredibly proud of him.

He finished, went back to our little cabin we stayed in and packed up and checked out (since check out was prior to when I was going to finish). He then headed back to meet up with me. He met up with me around 3 miles from the finish line. He could not have come at a better time. I was dead! There had been a horrible hill thatilled me. So I was down to walking. Part of that was because how painful my leg was. So he walked (with little spurts of running) to the finish line with me. It was so great having him there for support! That meant he did a total of 32 miles today. I was very happy to see him and he was very supportive and understanding when I was having problems running.

The finish line was finally crossed, and then I got some wipes and wiped down my leg. It hurt like heck when Mike started scrubbing the dirt out of it, but I survived. We then went and got our free Huckleberry Milk Shake and headed to West Yellowstone to finish out our vacation.

It was a hard race, and it sucked scraping my leg like I did, but I am glad that I did it. I am glad I can say I have run a Half Marathon, even with a bloody leg. I am glad its over though. I managed to do it in 3:48:18 which is a much better time than I expected. Especially since I did a lot of walking this race. That makes me feel much better about cutting my time down to 3:30 by the Half Marathon in Moab in October. I honestly think I can do it!

I don't know why I do it...

I am going thru infertility stuff again. It sucks, and its hard. I basically was having health problems like I was having last year when I got really anemic and sick. I didn't want to be like that again, but I knew I was headed that direction. So I went to the Dr to see how to fix it and I had two options.... either birth control (which is obviously not something I would even consider at this point), or to do progesterone and clomid to regulate things.. So I am back on Clomid. I told myself I would never do Clomid again after the last time. It was horrible. They had me on way too high of a dosage. Plus it is very hard to handle Clomid without my mom to vent to. I feel like when I am on Clomid, is when I need her the most. It was hard to decide to try it again, but this time the Dr is pretty well letting me take control since I figured out my body works different than most, and therefore they were testing things on the wrong days. So we will see how it goes.

So I had a couple major breakdowns. I am sure there are still more to come. Clomid honestly makes me so crazy its not even funny. I really just pity Mike since he has to put up with me. He seems to handle me pretty well though. Anyways.... its hard. I was trying not to let myself get baby hungry, but I failed. I even went so far as to watch a film on Midwifery today which essentially made me super baby hungry. So yeah.... I don't know why I watch shows like that when I know its just going to make me cry.

On a better note... Mike ran the Park City marathon on Saturday. He ran it in 3:21 something. He got a PR for that course. Its always exciting to see him come across the finish line. I am so proud of him for all his accomplishments in running.

He is running Marathon number 30 this coming Saturday. Its the Mesa Falls Marathon in Ashton, ID. It is such a gorgeous area, that it will be a neat marathon for him to run. I am seriously considering doing the half marathon. I am not as trained up as I once was (due to health problems), but I think I can do it. I will for sure be the last half marathoner to finish, so that's going to be hard to swallow, but I feel like I will be kicking myself if I miss it. I would love for that race to be my first half marathon. It is small, beautiful scenery, and best of all... they don't close the course until every runner has come across. So yeah.... I will probably do it.... and I am - quite frankly - scared to death. I guess it will be an adventure.

Amazing how one minute can change your life...

So this weekend was a really stressful, and hard weekend. It all actually started on Thursday night around Midnight. Mike got a call from his sister who was frantic. She said the hospital called and said her husband was in a bad accident and she needed to get to the hospital asap. So We rushed to her house, Mike drove her to the hospital and I stayed with her kids. Luckily he did not have life threatening injuries, although he was pretty beat up. It was still scary.

She got the call I am scared to death to get. The call from a hospital worker who will not give you any information over the phone on the condition of your loved one, only to get there ASAP. I felt so bad for her. she thought the worst. Who wouldn't? I never want to get that call about Mike. Getting the call that my mom was gone, was bad enough.

So we ended up taking their kids and their dog. We stayed with the kids a couple nights. It was stressful, but I was happy to help. I feel like I still owe them so much for being so supportive when my mom Died. Holly told us she would take care of our pets, and not to worry, just to go. I wanted her to know that her kids were taken care of, so she could go be with her husband at the hospital.

It makes me think how one minute can change your whole perspective. Getting that call makes you reevaluate your priorities. All the petty things suddenly don't mean anything anymore. I can say that one good thing about losing my mom, is it has made me realize what is important in life. It keeps things in perspective for me. I really appreciate all I have. I appreciate my family, and I appreciate that I have such an incredible husband. One who will drive me to the cemetery and hold me while I cry at my moms grave. I cant even begin to explain how incredibly helpful and loving he has been thru everything.

So the moral of the story, is cherish what you have. You have no idea how long you have with someone. They could be gone in a blink of an eye. Luckily Holly didn't lose her husband, and the kids didn't lose their father. They came really close though. They all caught a glimpse of what could have been. Its a scary thing.

P.S.... I am on Clomid again. Today has been a very emotional day. I think a big part of it was being so brave this entire weekend with the kids, that I never had the chance to cry about the whole scary night we had on Thursday. Also it reminded me of getting the call that my mom was gone. Then add to that the Clomid, and it makes for a very emotional Melissa.

P.S.S......I pretty well fell off the face of the earth on blogging anyways. I just got tired of the computer and keeping updated. I even backed off Facebook a bit. I just haven't felt like writing or keeping things up to date. I am not sure if I will do much blogging for the time being. I just need a break from it all, but I am sure someday I will be back full force!

Utah Valley Marathon

Mike ran the Utah Valley Marathon yesterday. We headed to Provo Friday night and spent the night in a motel. Its always a treat to stay in a Motel because we get to watch Cable. We don't have any TV channels at home and have to watch our shows online(since we aren't usually big TV people anyways and have never wanted to spend the money on cable). Its fun being able to watch shows I don't normally watch, and being able to flip thru channels. So that was a highlight for me.

We got up at 3:30 to head to the finish where Mike got on the bus to take him up to the start line. I got to sleep in the back of the SUV for a few more hours. We have a nice bed made back there so it wasn't bad. I almost felt bad for Mike out pounding the pavement while I slept... but then remembered that he actually LIKES doing it. Also there was some rain and some downpours I woke up to, but Mike seems to find rain the be ideal for running conditions.

Mike has a new strategy that he tried with Ogden and then this race. He goes out slow and gets a negative split. It has greatly improved his time and he seems to be in really good shape when he comes across the finish line. He came across in about 3:08 which was good enough for him to qualify for Boston yet again. The cool thing about this race is they give shirts to those who qualify on their course that say "Boston Qualifier". Mikes goal was to get one of those shirts which he succeeded in getting. He did really well this race and felt pretty good at the end.

This morning we got up to do an 11 miler. At about mile 9 I decided to turn it into a Half Marathon (13.1). It about killed me! I now know what it feels like to "hit the wall". I got to the point where it took all I had to even keep my legs moving when I was walking. It was a relief to finally get home. I headed straight to the couch and laid with my legs elevated. My legs have never hurt so bad! I honestly did not think I was going to survive that run. It took me 3:54:49 which is slow. Its ok though because it is faster then I thought I would do for my first half marathon distance. I still have a few months to work on speed. The cut off time for the Half marathon I am doing in October is 3:30 so I have to shave about a half hour off. I think I can do it. I just need to start focusing on speed now. I have mainly tried to focus on getting the distance in and figured once I got to the distance I wanted... I would work on speed. I do think I want to get up to 15 miles before I start working on speed though. So a couple more weeks and I can change my focus. I am glad I got the distance in... but it about killed me. Hopefully it will get better for me though.

Time heals everything.... or does it?

So I am not okay. I know it has been six months, but I still hurt. I know it seems like I should be healing but that's not the case. Everyone says it gets better with time, but I am struggling worse now than I was 5 months ago. I can no longer tell myself my Mom is in St. George and I just haven't seen her for awhile. I finally have to really face reality.

I am embarrassed to admit it, but I started counseling last week. I go for my second session next Wednesday. I think I need it. Mothers day really tore me apart and was too much to handle. I don't know how to deal with things sometimes. I feel like if I was a high school student.... I would have gone from a straight "A" student to failing. I can hardly even handle my job anymore. It is too stressful and sometimes about kills me. I just can't concentrate like I use to be able to. I am feeling a little lost.

I hope counseling helps. I hope it keeps me from having panic attacks, or just up and quiting my job, which I cannot financially do. Everything changed when she died and I just don't know how to handle things anymore. It was hard for me to swallow my pride and start counseling. I didn't want to admit that I might be off my rocker a little bit. I finally realized that it might be the only way I am going to get thru this all.

I have totally changed my focus. I am now spending all my time focusing and training for the Half Marathon in October... or reading a super long book series. It is nice keeping my mind elsewhere and being able to focus on other things. I just worry that by doing that, I am not grieving like I should. What is the normal way to grieve, and is there really a normal way? Until I can figure it out, I guess I am going to keep my focus on other running and books... until I learn how to cope otherwise.

Ogden Marathon

Friday evening after work, Mike and I headed to the great city of Ogden. This was his 4th year doing the Ogden Marathon. As you recall, we have special ties to this race since he proposed to me at it 2 years ago. I wont get into the specifics of it but if you go back to 2008 in the month of May, you can read all about it.

So we got to Ogden after suffering on the freeway in stop and go traffic almost the entire way. We hit the Runners Expo where he picked up his packet. Then we headed to Fazoli's for the traditional Night-Before Pasta Dinner before heading to our Motel for the night.

I love watching Discovery Channel when we stay in hotels or motels. Nothing is more relaxing then just laying there staring at a TV. I would say its because we don't have cable here so the only time I get to watch Discovery Channel and TLC is when we are on vacation. So I was really looking forward to getting some good "Deadliest Catch" watching done. Well I was flipping thru channels and came across Forrest Gump which was just starting. So Mike forced us to watch it. It was rather nice laying with Mike watching in the movie, although I would have rather watched Deadliest Catch than Forrest Gump, but it was his weekend so I thought I would let him have his way.

So the next morning we were up at 4 am to head to the race. I kissed Mike goodbye and wished him luck before climbing into the back of the SUV and going to sleep on the nicely made bed in the back. It was pretty comfy. So while my husband was out pounding the pavement and suffering thru 26.2 miles of pain... I was sleeping all nice, warm, and comfy in the SUV. I finally dragged myself out of bed at 9 am and headed to the start line to wait for him.

Mike did really well on this race. He had just wanted to beat 3:20 but he managed to do it in 3:09:34 (GPS time, we don't know the official time yet). He felt really good about that, and I was very excited for him. He qualified for Boston again... even though he doesn't have any plans to run it again any time soon. Just nice to know he still improving his time. We are thinking he might stand a chance of breaking 3 hrs at St. George this year.

All-in-all it was a good race. He did better than he expected, and I was very proud of him. After the race we spent a few hours at a car show at Thanksgiving Point before going for my six mile run. The six mile run just about killed me. I didn't eat very well that morning so I was running on Empty. I thought I was going to die the last mile and a half. I survived though. I think I am getting the the distance where it really matters the foods I eat prior to running. So next Saturday when I tackle the 7 mile run, I will make sure to watch what I eat prior to running so I can have the energy to do the mileage. On the plus side... I am almost half way to being able to run the Half Marathon.

Tuacahn Car Show

This weekend they did a car show at Tuacahn (where I went to Highschool). I was very excited to find out they were doing a car show there. We headed to St George Friday afternoon in Mikes '65 Fastback. We didn't do much on Friday other than dinner with my Dad and then went to bed. Saturday morning we got up at 4:30 and did a 5 mile run then got showered and headed to the car show.

The show was a ton of fun. There were a bunch of people from the club there. It is always nice getting together with other car enthusiasts. It did get rather hot but altogether, it was fun. They had their Saturday Market going so it was neat wandering thru the different booths. Tuacahn Canyon is beautiful so it was just perfect for a car show.

After the show ended we had a few hours before the awards banquet was scheduled to start. So everyone decided they wanted to do a little cruise to fill the time. Mike and I ended up leading the pack. We took them through Gunlock and around to Pine Valley before heading back to Tuacahn just in time for the banquet. It was a lot of fun. I really enjoy doing the little cruises.

After the Banquet we took a tour of a couple club members house. Very impressive houses. It ended up being very late by the time we got back to my dads house. It was nice to climb into the nice comfy bed. We were going to get up at 5 am to do another run but we were both way too tired. We did get up at 7 am though and I was able to make a couple meals that I divided into individual serving sizes and put in the freezer for my dad. I wanted to make sure he had some options for dinners.

Then we packed up and headed out. We stopped and had breakfast with Mikes parents in Cedar and then headed home. Mikes mom gave me a little figurine that says "A Mothers Love Lasts Forever". It brought tears to my eyes. Mothers day was really hard for me as well as the rest of my family. I honestly thing it was harder than the Holidays were. I survived it though. I was very grateful of Joyce for thinking of me and giving me the perfect gift.

All-in-all, it was a good weekend. Oh, I also registered for a Half marathon in Moab in October. I am nervous but determined I will do it. It will be fun because it will be me, Mike, Heather, Julia, and possibly Holly. I am excited to have a big group there. Lets hope I can be all trained and ready by then!

Someone's Watching Over Me

I got up at 5 am and went running with Mike this morning. Well I ran… he walked beside me. I got 4 miles in before coming into work. It was nice getting out there and getting some distance in. It made it feel so much easier to come in to work and I just feel good about myself. It also helps that I lost a 1.5 lbs in 2 days. I think running in the morning really starts the day out right. Too bad I am not a morning person, or I would do this more often.

Anyways I was sitting here at work listening to my IPod and thinking about how far I have come with running and just feeling proud of myself. Then the song came on by Hilary Duff “Someone’s Watching Over Me”. That song has made me cry in the past and I guess I sort of named it my running theme song because I am working towards a goal and trying to stay strong. Anyways, the song came on and almost brought me to tears because I just had the strongest feeling that it’s my mom’s way of telling me she is proud of me. I really needed to feel that. I want her to be proud of me. Anyways… I saved you all the trouble of Googling the lyrics… so here they are, enjoy!

“Someone's Watching Over Me"
By Hilary Duff

Found myself today
Oh I found myself and ran away
Something pulled me back
The voice of reason I forgot I had
All I know is you're not here to say
What you always used to say
But it's written in the sky tonight


So I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me


Seen that ray of light
And it's shining on my destiny
Shining all the time
And I wont be afraid
To follow everywhere it's taking me
All I know is yesterday is gone
And right now I belong
To this moment to my dreams


So I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me

It doesn't matter what people say
And it doesn't matter how long it takes
Believe in yourself and you'll fly high
And it only matters how true you are
Be true to yourself and follow your heart

So I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
That I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even when it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
That someone's watching over
Someone's watching over
Someone's watching over me
Someone's watching over me

May Day Flowers

As you all know, yesterday was May Day. I have fond memories of being a little girl and my mom helping me celebrate May Day. I think I did this for a couple years, but I would go over and leave flowers on my best friends doorstep, ring the door bell and hide. She always knew it was me, but it was still fun. So in honor of May Day, I decided I needed to go leave flowers on my moms grave. I tried to find Lilacs since that was the type of flower I always used in my May Day festivities, but I was unable to find any. So I went with some pretty blue flowers instead.

When at the cemetery, I realized I had never posted the picture of her headstone. At least I don't think I did. So I took a picture of her headstone with the pretty blue flowers. I really like how the headstone turned out. I tried to brush off grass clippings but was unable to get them all, so disregard all the dirt and clippings. I decided I am going to invest in a small little broom to sweep it off every time I go to visit.

Anyways, I am glad I was able to somewhat keep up the tradition with her. So Happy May Day!

Infertility

I took this link from my friend Cassie's blog. It is the perfect thing to read to help people understand infertility and how to handle the issue with me. So enjoy! Oh and one of the things she didnt agree with and I dont either, is the Mothers day cards. Please dont send me one. I think that would be extra painful especially since this will be my first mothers day without my mom. I am kind of hoping to be able to make it thru without even thinking about it being mothers day. Guess we will see! Anyways the link you want to go to is http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

Good Poem

So I am going thru my journal and organizing it and having it printed into a book so it will be better preserved. I use to put good poems and stuff in my journal when i could come across them. So in August of 2000 I wrote this poem I found online in my journal. Unfortunately I do not know who the author was but reading it today felt like my mom saying it to me. I needed to hear this again, it just fits so well. Especially since I had a bit of a break down today. Here goes...

When tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not there to see;
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn't get to say.
I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too;
But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,
And said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.
But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye,
For all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.
I had so much to live for,
So much yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
And all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for awhile,
I'd say goodbye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
Would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne,
He said "This is eternity,
And all I've promised you."
Today for life on earth is past,
But here it starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
And since each day's the same day
There's no longing for the past.
But you have been so faithful,
So trusting and so true.
Thought there were times you did some things,
You knew you shouldn't do.
But you have been forgiven
And now at last you're free.
So won't you take my hand
And share my life with me?
So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart,
For everytime you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart.

Boston/New York Trip

This is going to be a long post, but I want to make sure I record as much of the details as I can about our trip. We flew out to Boston on the 16th so Mike could run the Boston Marathon. We spent all day of the 16th at the airport and on planes. It was nice when we finally got there. We then drove up to Danvers, MA (which is really close to Salem) and spent the night. The motel we stayed in had bad reviews but it was honestly really cute and quaint. I think it was our favorite out of all the places we stayed.

The 17th we got up and drove to Salem where we took the commuter rail into Boston. We met up with his parents and went the the New England Aquarium. It was really neat. I really enjoyed watching the penguins. I could have sat and watched them all day. After the Aquarium, we went and had lunch at the Hard Rock Cafe, then headed up to Salem to spent the rest of the day. I am totally into Salem. That is where the famous Witch Trials took place. We also got to do a Ghost Tour in Salem. That was a lot of fun. I managed to forget my camera this first day so Mike had to take all the pictures on his camera.
The 18th we headed into Boston and Mike was able to pick up his race packet. We then headed on the Course Tour which was basically a tour that took us along the entire Marathon Course. I was surprised because it was really scenic. I had pictured the whole race taking place in the heart of the city, but it starts outside of town. After the course tour we went on a Duck Tour. That was a lot of fun. They were buses that were also boats. So the tour takes you on land and in the water. I really enjoyed it.

That Night we met up with his coworker and his family for a Pasta dinner. It was neat that his Coworker was there to support him. It was funny though because we randomly ran into his coworker the night before in Salem of all places. He happened to be at the same Museum/Gift shop we were at.
This was at the start line in Hopkinton.The picture below is of the Duck Tour Vehicles we rode.



The 19th was the day of the Marathon. I had to get a picture of Mike before the race and after the race. We were in Framingham watching for him. I couldn't believe how many runners there were. I ended up missing him and not seeing him. His parents (who were across the street and down a little ways) got to see him. I was kind of bummed I didn't see him. We then rode the train to the finish line although we could not get anywhere near the finish line. We got to an area where they had a big screen setup so you could watch people on the screen cross the finish line. Also you could see them running past (but a couple blocks away). So we watched and his sister and I both saw him run past. He ran it in like 3:21. We then went to the family meeting area and met up with him.

One thing that was neat was the shirt he ran with. It had my mom and his cousins pictures on it and said "When someone you love becomes a memory, that memory becomes a treasure." Then it said "In Loving Memory of Ian Bonavita and Connie Bone". His cousin died at age 7 of Leukemia and the day of the Marathon would have been his 18th Birthday. It was fitting to have my mom on there since she got sick the day he qualified for Boston. It was neat he ran with that shirt. He said he got a few comments from people saying things like "Ian and Connie are both proud of you." I know they were honored that he ran with that shirt. His mom made up shirts for the rest of us that were green and said "Team Mikal" and "Kickin' Asphalt". It was fun!

One of the interesting things Mike said about the race was when he got to Wellsley College. He said there were tons of girls holding signs saying "Kiss me, I'm a Senior" (or Junior or whatever). Anyways he said a bunch of guys threw on the brakes and ran over and kissed the girls. He also said that there were crowds the entire way and there were so many people and runners. Oh and he also said when he rode the bus to the start line, he ended up sitting next to, and striking up conversation with a fellow Utahn. Crazy how that worked.

The 20th we got up and headed to New York. My moms cousin lives in New Jersey (right across from New York) and invited us to come stay with them. So we geared up the GPS and headed out. It was pretty scary driving thru New York trying to get to their house. We really relied on the GPS. What was hard was when we were in the middle of New York when the GPS lost its signal. Somehow we managed to make it ok and got to their house. They were nice enough to take us into New York and give us a little tour. I got rather car sick while weaving in and out of traffic. The drivers in New York are crazy! I couldn't believe how crazy it all was. They then dropped us off at the Empire state building. We went up to the top to their observation deck. It was incredible seeing New York from that perspective.

We then wanders to the site of the World Trade Center towers stood. They have a little tribute museum sort of place. It was neat going and see all of that. They are rebuilding stuff there but we got lots of pictures from the construction site.

This was pulled from the rubble and is part of a plane window. It was crazy some of the things they pulled from the rubble that was still partly in tacked.The 21st we headed back into New York. We walked thru Time Square and then walked the whole length of Central Park. Time Square is just so incredible! We even went into the M&M store as sort of a tribute to my mom. Central Park is huge and very gorgeous! It is hard to believe there could be such a park in the center of such a huge city. We spent the night of the 21st in New Haven, CT. We were a little nervous of our hotel since it had bad reviews, but it turned out to be rather nice. Its funny because one of the hotels we stayed in had good reviews but when we got there our sheets had hair and dirt in them, like they had not been changed. It was late so we slept there anyways. The next day I called to have them change the sheets so we could sleep in clean sheets that night. Well I was told the housekeepers had left for the day and that the front desk guy would not have time to change them. So we ended up picking up clean sheets from the front desk and making our own beds. It was ridiculous! I was so mad at that place!

Anyways so we got up the morning of the 22nd and headed back to Boston. We then met up with Mikes parents and did the trolley tour and a harbor tour. We also went to the top of the Prudential Center to their Observatory.

The 23rd was the day we all headed home. Mikes parents and my Dad were on the same flight leaving at like 6:30 AM. Mike and I didn't fly out until 5:25 PM so we had the majority of the day to wander around Boston on our own. We had breakfast and lunch at Quincy Market. That place is unbelievable with all the food choices. We also wandered to the Holocaust Memorial and over to Haymarket, for the Farmers Market. That was neat to see. We also finished the rest of the Trolley tour that we didn't get to see the day before. As well as headed to Mike's Pastrys. That place is good and very popular. Every time we would try to go it had huge lines going down the block. This time we went fairly early in the morning so there were not lines yet. It was good!
This is a picture of the Holocaust Memorial. There is steam that periodically rises from the grates and up thru the glass towers. The glass is etched with millions of numbers that Jews were assigned. It was neat.

All in all, it was a good trip. It was nice having Mike's family there and also my dad. I am very proud of Mike for his accomplishment of running the Marathon. It was a neat experience all around. I am very glad we got to go!

Murder Mystery Party

I hosted a Murder Mystery party/Birthday party for Lizzy and Shelley on Saturday. We did a BBQ and then started the murder mystery part. I was a bit nervous since I had never hosted a murder mystery before but it was fun. I was surprised that everyone dressed up. I think I was probably the most under dressed compared to everyone else. There was a little confusion here and there, but it was still fun. I of course forgot my camera so these are pictures Jenny took...

This is the cute cake Jenny made for Lizzy and Shelley
Hannah and Kristin were biker guys

This is my cousin Barbara and her husband. He didn't have a part. She really dressed up compliments of the D.I. She was the reverends wife.

Linda was the trailer park owner and Dave was a Carnival worker.

I was the Sheriff and Mike was the Reverend.

Jenny was taking pictures so we didn't get a picture of her. She was Dusty Diamond with big dreams of Nashville. Dusty also hosted Karaoke night at the bar. She did good playing her part. She had her cowboy hate and guitar and played us the only Jewel song she knows how to play. Kari was also there but for some reason Jenny didn't get her picture. She played the Slutty bar maid. She dressed nice and slutty with bright lipstick and even had a fake cigarette in her cleavage. It was so much fun. I can't wait to do it again!

A nice saturday with family...

A few of us got together on Saturday. We rode trax and then Frontrunner to Ogden where we met up with Jenny and Roger for lunch. We then chatted for a bit until it was time for our train to leave. We convinced Jenny and Roger to come back to Salt Lake with us. We then wandered around Gateway for a few hours. It was fun. When we got back to the trax station, there was a really bad accident. We were worried that it was blocking the trax tracks but it wasn't, and the trains still came and went on schedule. It was a lot of fun getting together with the family. I think we need to do things like this more often. I took pictures, but I only had my cell phone so they aren't the best quality. I only took them at the Ogden Train station though, but here they are...

My dad admiring a train car

The guys talking train mechanics

The girls chatting about girly stuff

Kristin, Alissa, and Parker playing on the train

Alissa and Brinley posing for a picture.

Parker, Alissa, and Brinley

Just a fun picture looking thru the train at the guys chatting mechanics