I got my pregnancy test results today. It came back negative. I am not pregnant. This IVF round failed. The two embryos I have pictures of didn't implant, didn't survive. I really had hoped that at least one of them would take. They were both such high quality embryos. To say I am devastated would be an understatement.
We have no plan B. We were unable to have any extra embryos to freeze. So that means that all of the shots I had to get, all of the blood draws, all the medications I have been on were all in vain. The best part is we still get to pay $300 a month towards this IVF loan for the next 5 years with nothing to show for it.
It hurts, and I am frustrated. I honestly don't understand why we cannot have children. Why does God allow crack heads and 16 year olds to have children, but not us? It doesn't make sense. I don't think I will ever understand.
So right now I am hiding from the world. There is nothing else I can do. We can't afford another round, so I guess we are sitting on the sidelines for awhile. I really need to just try to come to terms that we may have a childless life, but I have a really hard time accepting that. IVF was our best but also our last hope. It is really disappointing that it didn't work out. Even more disappointing that we didn't even have extra embryos to try again. I would say we are back to square one, but we are further back than that. We still have the debt.
Anyways I knew people would be anxious to know how it turned out. So I figured I better update everyone. I am feeling like I really don't want to face people today and want to hide from everyone and everything. I hurt. I am crushed, and I feel like my heart is torn in two. It honestly feels like somebody died today. My dreams of holding my newborn child, that Mike and I created have been torn into shreds. I really thought it was my turn to have a child. I guess that just may never happen, and I really need to come to terms with that.
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2 comments:
I am so sorry about the news today. My heart aches for you and Mike. I'll pray for you guys that somehow you will come through this and feel some kind of peace. I understand the frustration and heartbreak and I wish you guys the best in the future and that one day your dream will come true and you will be blessed with a child(ren) one way or another. If you need anything, I'm always here for you for anything you need, even if it's just a listening ear. You have been there for me when I've needed you, I'm willing to do the same for you. Hugs to you and Mike.
I have been thinking of you today and wondering if you would have news to share. I am devastated for you, I was really crossing everything hoping and saying lots of prayers on your behalf. I know there are no words that will take away the pain and hurt. I will keep you and Mikal in my prayers. Hugs!
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