Dreams speak our fears

I had an interesting dream last night. I wouldn't say it is a bad dream... but it was just my self conscience portraying my thoughts and fears, no matter how stupid they may be. So I dreamt I was sitting on the porch of my old house with a couple of old friends talking. We got talking about infertility. One of them asked me if I thought maybe the reason I have not had success getting pregnant, is because I wouldn't make a good mother. I told her I didn't think that to be the case at all. Well that friend left and I was sitting talking to the other friend and asked her why that would have even been suggested and brought up by the first friend. Interestingly enough the 2nd friend said that it was a valid thought that maybe I am just not fit to be a mother.

So I told Mike about my dream and he asked if I thought anyone would actually tell me that maybe I am not going to make a good mother. I told him I don't think anyone would tell me that, but that I kinda worry about that. I wonder why I have to go through this. I wonder what Gods reasoning is for not allowing me the child I so want. What is there in the big picture that I can't see? Honestly that has crossed my mind... maybe I have not been able to have a child because maybe I wouldn't be good mother. I have no idea what type of mother I would be. I know it sounds stupid to think of that, but I cant help having thoughts like that sometimes. Either way... I hate how dreams sometimes force you to think of stuff like that and face it head on. Do I think I would be a good mother? I like to think so. I know that I can love and care for a child and that I would give so much to have that chance. Then again I am sure there will be days that I will feel like a failure as a mother. Overall... I wont really know how good of a mother I can be until I am put in that situation.

Anyways I struggle with thinking about babies. Part of me loves thinking about it but part of me is scared to let myself think of it because I don't want it to hurt worse if it doesn't happen. I almost cant help thinking about it though. I have been dreaming about turning the spare room into a nursery, and what things we would need to buy. I have been thinking about names I would love. I cant help but stare at couples with their little kids and wonder what it will be like when Mike and I have them.

It gets hard. I get so torn on what I will allow myself to think about or dream about. I want to dream about it and I want to be positive. IVF is going to be our best and last hope. I can only hope that it does work for us and we get to bring a child into this world. If it doesn't happen... then I pray that I will be able to somehow come to terms with a childless life. The future is so uncertain for Mike and I. All I know is that in October they will start working on getting my cycle timed right for a November/December IVF. I have no idea what all will happen between now and then... so all I can do it just take things one day at a time and try to keep my dreaming from getting too out of control.