Enough with the Downer Posts

So I must apologize for such a downer post last time. I was really struggling and having a hard time, and just needed to get my feelings out. I am feeling a bit better now. Work got crazy and out of control with deadlines, but they have passed so now its back to being super slow. I have come to terms that I am doing another round of infertility meds, and that I will be emotionally distraught for yet another couple of weeks (until the meds wear off). So it should be interesting. I honestly was feeling that I couldn't handle doing another round, but I know I need to. As hard as it is to go through it all... I can't give up yet. I refuse to give up yet. So the only interesting thing to happen would be the start of our garden. We are hoping this year works out better than last year. We actually worked some nutrients and good stuff into the soil so hopefully it will be able to support our plants this year. We went crazy buying seeds so we are going to have a little bit of everything in our garden this year. Mikes niece and nephew came over yesterday so we had them help us plant peas, strawberries, and a couple raspberry bushes. We also started some tomatoes growing indoors. I don't have much faith in my indoor growing ability though so we will probably cave and buy already started tomato plants in a couple months. I am super excited for the raspberry bushes though, even though I know we wont actually see the fruits of our labor for another year or so. We have actually talked about doing raspberries for awhile but just have never done it. So I guess now is the time. I have fond memories of my grandmas raspberry bushes in Montana, and eating the raspberries right off the bushes. I would love to be able to do that at my own house. I know next to nothing about gardening, so hopefully we still be able to pull off a garden this year. Its always nice having fresh fruits and veggies from my own garden to eat. Oh and I am determined that I will have pumpkins in time for Halloween, so everyone cross your fingers they actually work this time!

Cry Fest

I had a very rough night last night. I had to face the fact that this round did not work. I had tried not to get my hopes up, but this had been the closest I have ever come to it being an actual possibility that I could get pregnant. I have never known for a fact that I have ovulated before so it was an exciting time. So when AF came, I was a bit upset to say the least.

Infertility has always been a hard thing to deal with, but it is twenty times harder without my mom. She could relate, she knew what I was going through. She would always just sit and listen while I cried to her about my frustrations… and she always would tell me to be patient, it would happen (which is something I hate to hear from other people, but I miss hearing it from her).

Last night I got home from work in a downer mood. I walked into the computer room where Mike was and just started bawling. It was the type of crying that scares Mike. The type he has only seen a couple times… the type that he first saw when I found out my mom was gone. In fact, I was crying so hard that Molly was freaking out. I know it sounds weird, but when I get like that, it's like sometimes Molly cries with me. It's sad, I didn't mean to get the dog so upset. Anyways I really just needed to call and talk to my mom last night. That was all I wanted to do, and I felt like I needed it. I needed to hear her reassuring words and I needed her to cry with me over the phone like she always did. It was so hard knowing that I couldn't call her. No matter how much I needed her, I couldn't have her.

I even went through an angry stage. I know I probably shouldn't be so angry with God, but I have a hard time understanding how he could take my mom when she is still needed here, by so many people. How he could put me through the heartache of infertility, but then take away my support. Sometimes, it honestly makes me wonder if God hates me.

I know this is probably not fun for anyone to read, I just needed to get this all out of my system. Infertility sucks, and it's hard, and it makes me angry sometimes. That pretty well sums up my feelings. I am trying to stay positive, but it's so hard sometimes. I know I will be ok though. I may not have my Mom to cry to, but I have the most supportive husband in the world that has no problems holding me and just letting me cry myself out.

50 Miles...yeah, he's crazy!

I have been saying for awhile now that Mike is crazy. Well this confirms it! He ran the Buffalo Run 50 miler on Antelope Island yesterday. No, that was not a typo, he really did run 50 miles... on his own two feet. It took him 9 hours and 22 minutes (which actually put him in the first 3rd out of all the other crazy 50 miler people). The furthest he had run prior to this was 32 miles two years ago on the Antelope Island Buffalo Run.

He is such a warrior! You wouldn't know it in this picture, but this picture was taken about 25 miles in. He sure doesn't look like he had just run 25 miles!

Anyways we got up at 3:50 a.m. to head to Antelope Island. Mikes race started at 6 am. I managed to sleep for about an hour in the back of the SUV before I woke up freezing! I felt so bad knowing Mike was out running in the cold (although he said he never noticed the cold until he stopped running). I then met up with Mikes friend Stefan, who was going to pace Mike for the last half of the race. He helped me setup a nice little base camp where I could hang out all day. I had brought my computer, movies, books, puzzles... anything I could think of to entertain myself. Interestingly enough, I didn't really have much down time. I kept pretty busy the entire day. The 50 miler course looped around and came back through the start at mile 18. So I was able to see Mike run though, grab a few things from him, and get a kiss before he took off again. I then went to drop Stefan off at the 25 mile mark. I waited there until I saw Mike and got another kiss from him. Next I drove up 8 miles to the ranch (which is a turn around point) and waited for him. So it was nice seeing him there (which was mile32), and being able to get yet another kiss.

The Ranch (32 Miles in)

Then I headed back to the start/finish to wait for him. I really only had like an hour and a half that I sat in the car doing puzzles before heading to the finish line to wait for him there.

Here he is right before the finish line

I ran and gave him a big hug and kiss when he finished. I am so proud of him. I was super nervous for him to run this race, but he did awesome! He was even in better shape after the race than he is at some marathons. I LOVE this picture. This is after the race. He laid in the back of the SUV for a little while to recover before driving us home. I just think he looks so cute in this picture. So anyways, it was a good race and he did awesome. So proud of him for accomplishing something so big. I asked him while he was laying there, if he was going to do the 100 miler next... but he said no....but a few minutes ago he turned to me and said he is thinking he does want to do the 100 miler. So I guess he is a bit more insane than I originally thought. Alas, I will be there to support him in whatever he wants to do, no matter how crazy it may seem!

Pathetic, but I'm so proud!

My husband didn't believe I would blog about this, and I may regret this someday, but I just had to share my joy. Any infertile would totally understand.

I had to go to the Dr for an Ultrasound Follicle check today to see if the higher dosage of Femara was working. I really did not have high hopes. I actually almost canceled the Ultrasound because I was so sure it had not worked. So imagine my joy when the Dr found a follicle... a perfect sized follicle at that! In fact, the Dr was so impressed he congratulated me on producing such a nice follicle.

He showed me the follicle on the ultrasound screen and measured it and everything. As sad as it may sound, I looked at that little follicle with instant affection. (I imagine the same way a new mother looks at the little blob of their growing child in the ultrasound images; Although I am willing to bet it is even more exciting in that case.) I looked at that cute little follicle and felt love, and hope, and renewed faith. Finally we had found a medication and gotten the dosage right to make me produce good follicles and to ovulate. It may be a small step in the grand scheme of things... but it's a step, and I am happy and very relieved.

I was so excited that I had to tell someone... and that someone turned into a lot of someones. My first thought was to call my mom, but that's not possible, so I called Jenny, which was a good call because her giddiness matched my own. I then called Linda and our dialog went as follows:
Me: Hey are you busy, because I have to share my good news with you.
Linda: You're pregnant??
Me: No, but I'm one step closer!!
Then came the whole explanation and the congratulations. I also sent out one big text message to lots of people. I just couldn't contain myself. Heck, I even called my dad and told him all about (which I am sure was pretty embarrassing for him).

I was super excited to tell Mike... and I am convinced his joy would have matched mine had he not been shuffling thru prescription and lab slips from the Dr office and happened across the one written out for him to do a Semen Analysis.

So now that you all think I'm crazy (except for all the other infertiles reading this), I must add a comment in my defense, and something I pointed out to Mike. As crazy as it sounds that I have so much affection for a follicle.... that follicle could very well be the start of our child. So I guess only time will tell!

Projects and Car Parts

I have a bit of catching-up to do... so here it goes with a condensed version....

We reupholstered our dinning room chairs. They use to be white. You cant tell in this picture but they were incredibly dirty and gross so we had to do something. I really like the way they turned out... and they match with our decor too.
Mike found a good deal at his work on a headboard and foot board. So that means that our guest bed actually looks good now. It is amazing the difference having a headboard and foot board on a bed can make.

My dining room is being taken over my car parts. We can no longer eat at our dinning room table. That's ok though because it means we are making progress on my Mustang. If u are want to read in more detail where we are at with the car... visit my Mustang blog at http://www.melissasmustang,blogspot.com

We also did a Vegas trip for my birthday. It was fun, although I think more than two days in Vegas is a bit much. We ended up getting a bit bored by the end of our trip. It is still nice being able to get away... so I wont complain.

I bought a cool little fountain for the parakeets to play in... but they have yet to show any interest in it :-( I am still hoping they will discover the joy the fountain has to offer.

Really that's about it for us. Just been working. Work has been going well. I just got a $25 gift card because of my good work. They like me there :-) I am still doing the Sharing Place every other week... which is a lot of fun. I am glad I am doing it. So yeah... things are going pretty good. I have my ups and downs with the whole infertility stuff... but over-all life is good.

Sigh....

I guess I am just not that into blogging anymore. I haven't blogged for some time, which is sad because I know we did some blog worthy stuff... like reupholstered our chairs (pain in the butt)...and been gathering lots of car parts for my car. I guess that will be an entry for my Mustang blog when I feel up to updating that. Anyways life is just life. I am busy with work during the week... and the weekends I tend to get really bored and miss work. Pretty sad, I know, but sometimes I just need some good weekend projects to keep me busy or I go insane from boredom.

So I am still going through infertility treatments. Not much going on there. More and more negative pregnancy tests. Actually I haven't dared take a pregnancy test for awhile, mainly because I just don't want to deal with the crying that goes along with it. So I have been avoiding it. I am trying a new infertility medication, but it does not seem to be working. We upped my dosage this month so I go in for an ultrasound in a week to check my follicles and see if it worked. I honestly don't think it did. So I am not expecting good news when I go in for the Ultrasound.

My friend/coworker just had a baby a couple days ago. I am so excited for her. It is her first child, so it was nice chatting to her and hearing what its like to be pregnant for the first time. I am very happy for her, but it makes me wonder when I will get my turn. I want so badly to experience all that she got to experience, and honestly I am starting to wonder if I will ever get the chance.

I am scared because I feel like I am running out of options. Well not-so-expensive options anyways. If no meds work for me... then that means I have to start getting into the more expensive stuff. I am suppose to get a decent bonus from my work sometime this summer. I was originally planning an putting it towards an Alaska trip, but I think I have decided that I need to put it towards infertility treatments. I was really hoping it wouldn't get to this point, and that I could take a few meds and magically end up pregnant. I guess that's not the case. So I am working on coming to terms with the fact that I might never have a baby, and if I do... its probably going to require selling all my possessions along with a few limbs. As crazy as it sounds, I would do it too just to have a baby.