Hiding the Confusion

It's interesting how you can have a song that you have had on your Ipod for a long time, and even listened to it numerous times, but then one day the lyrics just pop for you. I found a song that is like that. Some of the lyrics of the song completely fit my life right now. It's funny because I never took notice of this song before. Maybe it just never fit into my life so well.

The Same Old Sun by The Alan Parsons Project. I will only post part of the lyrics that seem to most apply…

Tell me what to do
All the hopes and the dreams went wrong for me
There's a smile on my face
But I'm only pretending

Taking my life
One day at a time
Cause I can't think what else to do
Taking some time
To make up my mind
When there's no one to ask but you

Tell me what to do
Now there's nobody watching over me
If I seem to be calm
Well it's all an illusion
Tell me what to do
When the fear of the night comes over me
There's a smile on my face
Just to hide the confusion

I feel like I am in that mode… where I keep a smile on my face but it's to hide the confusion… that I am only pretending. I don't let myself think about the IVF when I can help it. I made Mike put the pictures of the embryos somewhere where I won't see it. I don't know if ignoring it is the healthy route or not, but I don't know what else to do. I really am just taking life one day at a time right now and figure that eventually I will be to the point where I will want to face the infertility head on. For now I am not ready, therefore the failed IVF never happened and the infertility is not a huge problem in my life. Or so I am trying to make myself believe. I just can't handle the thought of never being able to have kids. So I won't allow myself to think of it.

For the most part I am doing ok. I have my moments of insanity where I see a mother with her newborn and I want to grab the kid and run… but don't worry. I am not really psycho enough to do that. That fleeting thought of grabbing the baby and running is always followed by the thought of how much pain I would put the mother through. I could never cause anyone that much pain. So anyone who reads this that are pregnant or have babies… don't worry… I promise I won't steal them. I really have not completely lost my mind.

I will be ok though. I am really trying hard to focus on me and not the failed IVF or infertility. It's hard to not think about it since it was at the forefront of our minds for the last 3 years. So I have been getting out and working out as much as I can… and just trying to eat healthier. I am not going on a full out diet by any means… but just trying to be healthier than I have been in the past. Also Mike and I have tried to be more active and do more things together. So that has been nice.

So for the time being, I am living life one day at a time… and keeping a smile on my face to hide the confusion and fear. I know the topic of infertility is not something people really know how to approach or talk about with me, and I understand that. I would have no idea what to say to someone going through this. In a fact, I am almost glad that most people haven't brought up the subject. It makes it easier for me to ignore and pretend it never happened. So one day at a time it is… until I somehow get to a point where I can face thinking of the future without all the fear involved. Hopefully I get to that place pretty soon.