Christmas..and other things

I need to get some pictures up from Christmas. Christmas Eve we went to Mike's parents house and opened gifts. Christmas morning we swapped gifts with my dad and then he went off to visit people. Mike and I slowly opened our gifts from each other. Then around noon we went to Mike's grandmas house and did the white elephant gifts.



I got some good stuff. I managed to get $75 in Barnes & Nobles gift cards. I also got a gift card for Murray Day Music and was able to buy some good piano music. The best gift was the Wii Mike got me. I was so surprised. It didn't take me long to order more games for it.

Mikes main gift was a small digital camera. It is small enough that he can put it in his pocket and take pictures during some of the marathons.

Here are some pictures from Christmas:

It's New Years Eve. I am miserable. I had no idea New Years was going to be so difficult. I think it is much more difficult than Christmas was for me. I am just really missing my mom. Mike took me to the cemetery to visit her grave and I just stood there and cried. I know it probably sounds stupid but I almost feel like I am leaving her behind. Her story ends at 2009. She will forever be stuck in 2009. I hate the thought of starting a year she doesn't get to be a part of. I wish I could stop time. I really don't have high hopes for 2010. It is going to a year of mourning. I have to live thru what would have been her 60th birthday on January 6th.... what would have been my parents 40th anniversary on Feb 20th (the day before my birthday).... my first mothers day motherless.... there are still so many things I have to make it thru. I cannot fathom how 2010 could possibly be anything other than sad. I hate the thought that I have to make it thru next year without her. I hate that I don't have a choice in the matter either.

I just miss her so much. I feel like I need her still for so much. It's hard to think that she is truly gone... that I will never see her sitting at her computer munching on ice... or hear her voice again. I feel like my Clomid support is gone. As crazy as it sounds, I sometimes find myself thinking I don't even want to try infertility treatments anymore. Maybe I don't want to have kids after all. I don't feel like I can go thru the Clomid and infertility stuff... and raising my first baby without her. I just feel so alone.

You would think something like this would strengthen the bonds between me and my sisters but it was only temporary. We all know whats it's like to lose a mother... but that's where the similarities end. They all have children. They all had my mom there during their first pregnancy to go to for questions. They got to see her hold their newborns. That's something I will never have. None of them can quite understand how that feels. I hate that I am different from them in that way. I have always felt so left behind. Now I feel that gap even more now.

I am sorry to be so negative. I am really struggling with things today. I am just going to sleep thru New Years. I don't want it, and I don't feel like it is a reason to celebrate. Mike and his dad are planning on running the Beat The New Year 5k at Sugarhouse park. That will be fun for them. I was going to go with them, but the thought of standing in the freezing cold for a half hour doesn't sound so appealing. So instead I will be wrapped up nice and warm in bed... trying to sleep. I have a feeling sleeping is going to be harder tonight than normal. Anyways... I haven't said this to anyone yet because Its not a happy occasion for me, but I need to say it anyways... Happy New Years everyone!!

Family Christmas Party

We had our family Christmas Party tonight. It was fun. Prior to the party some of us got together and made an ornament in honor of my Mom. We then went to Wasatch Lawns and hung the ornament on their tree they have there. They were doing the Luminary Services which was really neat. They had paper bags with candles in them lit up all over the entire cemetery. It was incredible seeing all those lights. I am glad we got to go to that.

This is not the best quality but this is the ornament we made on the tree at the cemetery. We wrote her name on it and also "We Love You Mom!"

This is a view of her grave and you can see some of the lights behind it.

This is the best picture I have of the lights. They seemed to go on forever. It was a sea of lights.

We then had the party. It was fun. Kari brought pizza for everyone. Shelley and I were able to hand out our gifts which was fun. Next we did a white elephant gift exchange. It was crazy doing that with all the kids but lots of fun. We also all shared Christmas memories and fun stuff like that. It was a lot of fun. I enjoy being around my family.



It was tough though not having my mom there. I was really missing her today. I had a minor break down (Mike says it was a major breakdown) this afternoon but made it thru. Mike was kind enough to go to the cemetery with me prior to the Luminary Services so I could have some alone time. It helped to be able to stand there and just cry. I really do miss her. It seems as more time goes by the less I am able to be in denial. I can't just pretend she is well and fine in St. George. I have to accept the fact that she is gone. It is tough to comprehend that she is really gone. It hurts to think about it. I still need her. I really miss her and Love her.

I miss her...

Loss of Mother Poem

Now that I am gone,

remember me with smiles and laughter.

And if you need to cry,

cry with your brother or sister

who walks in grief beside you.

And when you need me,

put your arms around anyone

and give to them what you need to give to me.

There are so many who need so much.

I want to leave you something --

something much better than words or sounds.

Look for me in the people I've know

nor helped in some special way.

Let me live in your heart

as well as in your mind.

You can love me most

by letting your love reach out to our loved ones,

by embracing them and living in their love.

Love does not die, people do.

So, when all that's left of me is love,

give me away as best you can.

~ Author unknown

A Daughter's Promise
© Allie B. Quaglieri

Every time that I smile,

Every time that I sigh,

I think of your face,

And a tear escapes my eye.

You were my world,

My inspiration and my heart,

But when you left me,

I thought I would fall apart.

You were my best friend,

My one true 'confidante',

And that's not all you were,

You were also my mom.

I didn't want to live without you,

But you would have wanted me to,

And if there's anyone I want to make happy,

That anyone is you

I would have given anything to have you back,

But I know now that it was meant to be,

For you are still watching from up there,

And I know you're watching me.

I'll make you proud mom,

I'm going to fulfill your wish,

You're going to see me and smile,

That's a daughter's promise.

I'm Free

This is a poem my friend Wynter sent me. Thanks for sharing it with me Wynter!!

I’m Free

Don’t Grieve for me, now I am free;
I am following the path
God laid for me.
I took his hand when I heard his call,
I turned my back and left it all.
I could not stay another day,
to laugh, to love, to work or play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way,
I’ve found the peace at the close of the day.
If my parting has left a void,
Then fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh , a kiss,
Ah, yes these things I too will miss.
Be not burdened with times of sorrow,
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life’s been full, I savored much - -
Good friends, good times, a loved ones touch.
Perhaps my time seemed all to brief,
Don’t lengthen it with undo grief.
Lift up your heart and share with me,
God wanted me now - - he set me free.

New Tradition

So I am starting a new tradition. Every year we get a real tree for Christmas (since Mike has always had a real tree at his house and wants to carry on the tradition). Part of prepping the tree is cutting off some of the lower branches so it fits in the tree stand. I decided that every year I am going to take the tree trimmings and make a wreath for my moms grave.

I have never made my own wreath before. I went online and did some research on how to make them. It didn't sound to difficult. I then went to a craft store and bought the metal frame for it as well as a stand. I also bought some bows and ribbons.

It really wasn't too difficult. I worried that it wasn't bushy enough but as I put things on I think it made it look fuller. Plus it wasn't real even but the placement of the big center bow helped that out. Then I just played around with the different decorations. The pine cones came off my artificial tree that I had in my apartment. It came with a bunch of pine cones but Mike didn't like them on the tree so we took them off. I am glad I never threw them away. I have been able to use them for all kinds of things. I think they look good on the wreath.

The center ribbon I also thought I would personalize. So I wrote "Mom" on the center part of the bow. Then one of the ribbons says "Miss You" and the other says "Love You". I like how it turned out and I like that it is personalized. It was fun making it so I am sure I wont have problems keeping this tradition up. I am excited to go put it on her grave tomorrow.

JibJab

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1 Month Anniversary

So today is the one month anniversary of my Mothers death. It is hard to believe it has already been a month. So much of the past month is just a blur. I have had to switch to survival mode which means living one day at a time. Its hard to keep track of time when in that mode though. It just tends to slip right by without me noticing.

I had a hard time as it got closer to 1:22 pm (the time of her death). I had to go talk to my friend during that time to keep my mind off things. I just kept remembering hearing the news she was gone and getting to St. George and seeing my dad standing in the doorway... hugging him and just crying. It was really hard. I even remember the drive to St. George and feeling so numb and just in denial. Worrying about how it was going to be once I got to St. George and enjoying the feeling of numbness before reality had to set in once in St. George. The week went by so fast as well. All the funeral arrangements and everything. It was just a whirl wind.

I didn't get to visit her grave today. I kinda feel bad that I didn't. I do plan on going Friday morning though and putting a Wreath on her grave. All the other graves have Wreaths and she deserves something pretty like that. I just have to hit a floral shop and buy the easel to put it on.

So I am still somewhat in denial. I shouldn't be and I kinda feel guilty for being that way. Its just so easy to imagine she is still alive and well in St. George... and that I just haven't talked to her or seen her for awhile. I figure It would be good for me to go this weekend and face reality in the form of facing an empty house. It would be hard... but I need to do it.

Sometimes I have break downs. Little things remind me of her. Like an e-mail with a travel trailer. Made me think of our Fifth Wheel and all the adventures we had in it. When I am trying to cook something and need advice. It kills me to not be able to call her and ask her how to cook something. Sometimes I get so angry I can't call her that I just decided to forget making dinner altogether.

Another way that I miss her is having to do with Clomid. She use to call and ask how that was going. There is no one to ask that now... or to really even care about it. I really hate knowing I lost my Clomid support system. None of my other sisters have had to be on it so they have no idea what I am going thru and my frustrations when it doesn't work.

I have always felt a little left behind in my family. The age gap has made it so I am much further behind everyone in all the fun life events. I am the only one who doesn't have any kids. I think everyone else in the family is done having kids even. I feel even more left behind with my mom gone. None of my children will get to experience her as a Grandmother here on Earth. It is so hard to fathom. I hate feeling so alone in that. None of my sisters can understand. No one can understand (at least I haven't met anyone yet who could). I know it sounds selfish that I think of that so much... but I feel like its no fair that everyone got that and I don't get that.

I pray every night that I can understand why she had to go. I don't know if I ever will fully understand. I am sure there is a job for her up there... but I still need her here. I still have a lot of growing up to do and I need her to still be my support system. Its just hard. I hate thinking about her being gone. Sometimes its just nice being in denial. I really do miss her and sometimes I wonder how in the world I can possibly survive this. I can't imagine my life without her but now I am forced to live it without her. What the worst part is.... is that I can't do anything about it. I can't turn back time, nor can I bring her back.

Suzy Homemaker

I have been trying to keep busy. It helps to have things to do to keep my mind off things. I am quickly running out of craft ideas. I have gotten some cute things done though.

I painted a rock for the family Christmas party next Saturday. That is going to be my home made gift that I am suppose to bring. I decided to do a cat because it is an animal I am really not much of a fan of so I figured it wouldn't be so hard to give it away. Well it turned out really good... so I am kinda sad to see it go. I decided to buy a basket and sew a little pillow for the basket that the cat sits in. Its cute... at least I think so.

It took me a few days to paint but I got it done today and sprayed the clear coat and made the little pillow bed. I figured it would make it look more realistic laying in a cushiony basket. I also made some goodies today. Sadly there were some casualties but oh well. We still have a decent amount of candies. We made divinity, Fudge, Mints, Snowballs, and Cookies. At least it kept me busy today. The weekends are usually extra hard for me because I am not as busy as I am at work... so thats when I have to do my craft projects.

So sometime this week I am going to put together a wreathe for my mom. I went to the cemetery today and there were so many wreathes everywhere. I figured I want to make one. I actually have the trimmings from the tree when Mike put it up. I just need to learn how to turn it into a wreathe. I plan on looking it up on the net. I think it would be a neat tradition to make a wreathe from the tree trimmings every year for my mom. My biggest problem is finding where everyone buys the little stand for the wreathes. I need to check a floral shop probably. I am hoping to run over to her grave Friday morning before heading to St. George to put the wreath there. She needs one.

So I am doing ok with things. I actually go back and forth. Sometimes it doesn't seem real... and sometimes it is all too real. It is hard to me to fathom that I will not get to see her physically again... that I have my whole lifetime (although you never know how long that will be) to go without her. I miss her. I still feel like I need her in so many ways. I even found myself thinking today after ruining the Toffee that if my mom was here it wouldn't have gone wrong because she would have told me the correct way to do it.

I have been reading a book called "Motherless Daughters". It is a very good book. It talks about losing your mother and the feelings and emotions you go thru. It honestly puts all my thoughts and emotions into words. It is really a good book.

I am a bit nervous for St. George. I am worried that I wont be able to handle it. Once I am there, I wont be able to pretend she is still alive and well in St. George. Its going to be hard to look at the hallway where it all happened. I really hope I can handle it. I think I will just have a hard time during the day on Friday. Friday night Linda and Shelley should get there so it wont be so lonely. Saturday morning my dad will be back from California as well. I just hope I can keep busy enough that its not too bad.

Normally Mike and I leave Thursday night so we have all day Friday to play. Usually that is when we go Four Wheeling with my parents. I am really going to miss those four wheel rides. My mom kept talking about a neat ride they went on that had lots of old abandoned cars (Mikes favorite). She really wanted to take us on that ride but unfortunately she was sick the Friday we got there the last time. That was the beginning of the end. There is so much I am going to miss.

Anyways... now that I got all depressed I better end this. I am going to go watch "Are You being Served" so I don't have to think about things anymore.

P.S. Like the new background? I spent a couple hours putting it together. I love it! I had to get rid of the fall theme I had going on and I figured if I did a winter theme I could keep it till February.