Hiding From the World

I have never hidden from the world before now. It is an interesting experience not feeling like I can be around people. Wednesday I was working from home and just signed off for the day after getting the bad news. I felt I had to at least do a facebook and blog post letting people know IVF failed. I know I had made the choice to be totally open about the IVF experience and people were going to be curious. I didn't want to have text after text come in with people asking if I was pregnant. So I figured a quick facebook and blog post would answer that questions for everyone. I also sent a text to my close family and friends saying it was negative and please no phone calls because I couldn't handle talking to people.   I was hoping that didn't come out mean,  but I knew I would not be able to talk.

The supportive text msgs and responses to facebook were overwhelming. I pretty much ignored text msgs and phone calls on Wednesday. Mike had come home from work immediately after I called him with the negative results. My dad came home shortly after that, after finishing the ceiling at Mike's parents house. It was nice having him there. It really helped. Once I was able to stop crying and get rid of some of the puffiness under my eyes... we decided to go to Cracker Barrel for lunch just to get out of the house.  Mike and I even did some shopping with gift cards. I was just trying to keep myself from thinking.

Thursday I took the day off work. I just wanted to sleep all day and did not want to face the world. Also the thought of talking to people on the phone all day trying to sound cheery and like everything was great, did not appeal to me. So I spent most of Thursday sleeping and lounging. Thursday night Mike and I wandered out a bit to get me out of the house. I was fine to be out and about and see people, as long as they were strangers that knew nothing about me. The thought of seeing people that know me and would ask how I was doing, was what I needed to avoid. I did text a couple people during the day on Thursday, and even talked to my dad over the phone.

Friday I worked from home. It was nice being at home and not having to face my coworkers. Although I talked to them through Instang Messaging. It's much easier talking to people when it's not face to face. Also did more shopping with gift cards with Mike. So I wasn't shut up in the house the entire day.

Today Mike ran a marathon distance around the Olympic Oval track. so I spent 4 hours on the bleachers entertaining myself by reading and listening to my Ipod. I did talk to Stefan (Mike's friend) face to face, but luckily he didn't say anything about the IVF. I probably would have cried if he did. Mike hasn't been feeling too good since that run so I have just been lounging at home. I was invited to go play games tonight with my family, but I am not sure I can face them yet. Although I did promise them I would come for dinner tomorrow night.

It's just hard. I have never not been able to face people. Even when my mom died, I didn't hide from the world. The thought of seeing people I know and dreading them asking about the IVF or how I am doing, just petrifies me. I guess I am not okay yet. I still cry a lot and still really hurt. In fact, this whole New Years thing is not fun! I have never really been a fan of New Years anyways. My history includes way too many sad ones. I think the hardest part is I am not excited for 2012. I know that we will not have funding to do another round of IVF for a couple years yet so 2012 does not hold the possibility of a baby for me. I would honestly be perfectly fine skipping head to maybe 2015 (when the IVF loan is paid off and we could financially handle another round of IVF).

I am just having problems adjusting. The last couple of years have been really focused on infertility and trying to have a baby. All of that has come to a screeching halt.  So I now have to figure out something to fill my mind and time. Something else to worry about. I just don't even know how to not think of infertility. So this will be a hard adjustment for me. Unfortunately it is an adjustment that must be made. So 2011 wasn't the best year (odd numbered years never are for me).... but I don't really have high hopes for 2012 either. Sucks to start out a new year like this, but what can ya do!

Mourning The Child I May Never Have

I got my pregnancy test results today. It came back negative. I am not pregnant. This IVF round failed. The two embryos I have pictures of didn't implant, didn't survive. I really had hoped that at least one of them would take. They were both such high quality embryos. To say I am devastated would be an understatement.

We have no plan B. We were unable to have any extra embryos to freeze. So that means that all of the shots I had to get, all of the blood draws, all the medications I have been on were all in vain. The best part is we still get to pay $300 a month towards this IVF loan for the next 5 years with nothing to show for it.

It hurts, and I am frustrated. I honestly don't understand why we cannot have children. Why does God allow crack heads and 16 year olds to have children, but not us? It doesn't make sense. I don't think I will ever understand.

So right now I am hiding from the world. There is nothing else I can do. We can't afford another round, so I guess we are sitting on the sidelines for awhile. I really need to just try to come to terms that we may have a childless life, but I have a really hard time accepting that. IVF was our best but also our last hope. It is really disappointing that it didn't work out. Even more disappointing that we didn't even have extra embryos to try again. I would say we are back to square one, but we are further back than that. We still have the debt.

Anyways I knew people would be anxious to know how it turned out. So I figured I better update everyone. I am feeling like I really don't want to face people today and want to hide from everyone and everything. I hurt. I am crushed, and I feel like my heart is torn in two. It honestly feels like somebody died today. My dreams of holding my newborn child, that Mike and I created have been torn into shreds. I really thought it was my turn to have a child. I guess that just may never happen, and I really need to come to terms with that.

No Plan B - But I Am Okay

Well.... we no longer have a plan B. We had 4 embryos, 2 of which they transferred and the other two we were hoping to freeze. Unfortunately, the other two did not make it to be frozen. So that just means I don't have them as my safety net to fall back on if this IVF round doesn't work.   I kind of saw that coming though. I had talked to the Doctor yesterday and he had told me that on day 3 they were only 2 and 4 cell... So I knew there wasn't much chance for them to make it to blastocyst stage (which is where they have to be to be able to be frozen).  So when I talked to the doctor today, I was pretty well expecting to find out they didn't make it. I was hoping they had, but no such luck.   I didn't cry though like I thought I would.

I figured I had two options at that point. I could either be horribly upset that plan B didn't survive... and start worrying about coming up with a new plan B, or I could focus on our plan A which we are currently working on. It seemed stupid to worry about what we will do if this round of IVF fails since in a way that would be like accepting that it isn't going to work. I need to be positive and just focus on the embryos growing inside me.

The Doctor was very nice chatting with me about things. He said I need to not worry about the embryos that they couldn't freeze. He reminded me the ones they transferred were really good quality and he really thinks we have a good chance of me being pregnant. Also he advised me to stop reading things on the Internet because it will only make me worry. So no more googling IVF. I am just going to avoid that and just try to stay positive while I brave the two week wait.

Even if I am not pregnant, and this IVF fails... I am still going to be so grateful for some of the experiences I have had going through all of this. This is the closest I have ever been to pregnant. I can't even explain how incredible  it was on transfer day to see the pictures of the embryos and know that they were half me, half Mike. It just blows my mind seeing what we created (even if they don't turn into babies... we still combined genetically and created 10cell  and 12 cell clusters). I am pretty impressed with that! I know for Mike it was seeing them wheel in this full size baby incubator with a little petrie dish, knowing that our potential children were in there. It was also neat right after the transfer laying there feeling my abdomen knowing they were in there.

I have hope that this IVF will be successful and we will finally be able to have a baby.. or two. IVF has been such an incredibly hard thing to go through. There are so many emotional up's and down's, and lots of needles and tests and unpleasantness. There is also the opportunity and chance to see and understand all that goes into creating babies. Seriously with everything that has to line up right to get pregnant... I am surprised people get pregnant so easily. I really have a strong understanding of my body now and how things work (or don't work in my case). I think the best part.... is how many people have baby pictures of their children before they were even babies...when they were only a cluster of cells? I love having the picture. I hung it on the fridge and love to just stare at in wonder. It just really makes me appreciate life and how precious it is.

Transfer Day!!

We did our transfer this morning. They require a full bladder which is really tough. I thought I was going to pee all over the table. I did have to relieve some of it and then the procedure took place. The doctor commented that we have really good quality embryos. They transferred two and we will find out on Sunday if the other two will be able to be frozen. It was such a relief hearing that they were going strong.  So the transfer itself was quick and easy. I then got to lay there and relax for the next half hour.  Now I am on complete bed rest for the rest of the day.

It is such an amazing feeling knowing that they are now in me where they belong. They really wont actually implant until Sunday so right now they are just hanging out until they are big enough to implant. So I plan on taking things extra easy the next few days.

My favorite part is we got a picture of both of the embryos. One was a 12 cell and the other a 10 cell embryo. Since I am on bed rest I can't get up to use the scanner so a cell phone pic of a pic will have to do. I saw this picture and commented on how cute they are. Mike gave me a weird look and asked if I honestly think they are cute. I totally do. Its instant love. I am totally going to hand the picture on the fridge!



Egg Retrieval

I had my egg retrieval yesterday. That was a fun experience! This post might be a bit TMI, but I am not sure how else to describe the whole process without going into a bit of detail. So hopefully no one will get really disturbed by this.


So we got up early in the morning planning on having enough time to get ready to go… and also to collect Mike’s contribution. There was a time limit for that. We had to have it to the office within 45 minutes of collecting it. So collecting it took a bit longer than expected so we were already running about 15 minutes behind schedule. Anyways we hit the freeway and end up in bumper to bumper traffic due to some bad accidents. So we ended up getting the Mike’s stuff there about an hour after collection. Also I was about a half hour late for the procedure. So they had to quickly get me prepped and ready. They had problems getting the IV in and ended up having to try a few times before finally getting it. So that didn’t feel so great. They finally got me into the operating room where they pumped the anesthesia into me and everything faded out. Well it didn’t really fade out. Things got blurry and then next thing I knew I was in the recovery room. I felt like I had just taken the best nap of my life and really wanted to just sleeping, but they would have none of that.

Anyways they told me they had retrieved 10 eggs. I was disappointed. The doctor seemed very optimistic and said that was what he expected to get. It just made it even harder when I overheard them tell the lady they did after me that she had 24 eggs. I was hoping for lots of eggs because I really want some extra embryos to freeze. So 10 seemed like a low number and I inevitably cried when Mike walked in. Anyways after some reassurance from Mike and the nurse that 10 really is a good number… we headed home. I ended up sleeping most of the rest of the day. I was in pain and walking was not an easy thing. Mike took really good care of me. In fact I was craving funeral potatoes so he tried to find somewhere nearby that would serve those. I finally told him I would be fine with mashed potatoes and gravy… so he went and got me lunch. He stayed with me the rest of the day and made sure I had everything I needed. I couldn’t have asked for a better caregiver.

Today I am feeling a bit better. I still have some pain. I am working from home which really helps. The Doctor called this morning to let me know the status of the eggs. He said out of the 10, only 4 fertilized. I was devastated and had a bit of a cry over that this morning. The doctor was very optimistic and said that they are going to move the transfer up to Friday instead of Sunday. He said he feels very confident that there will be embryos to transfer and maybe even one or two to freeze. So that is good. I just worry about them not making it till Friday and us being out all this money with nothing to show for it. So I called Mike crying, not able to get the words out. So he thought I was calling to tell him none of the eggs made it, so once I finally got the words out that 4 fertilized, he found that to be good news.

Anyways I am trying to think positive, but I am really struggling with it all. I really hope that come Friday they can transfer two embryos and still have a couple to freeze. I really hope in the next two weeks we find out we are pregnant. I can’t wait for this whole process to be done and over with! I am exhausted with it!

And It just keeps going and going and going!

So I had another ultrasound and more blood work this morning. My follicles are the perfect size so the Dr said we would do the trigger shot tonight and the egg retrieval on Monday. I was happy to not have any more stim shots and to know an end was in sight. Well they then called about an hour later and said they got my test results back and my Estrogen levels are lower than they would like, so that means everything is being pushed back a day.  So I am a little disappointed because I really just want to be done.

So basically the schedule will go as follows... I will still do my stim shots tonight... then tomorrow night will be the HCG trigger shot. Monday morning I will go in for blood work and they will decide from there if I might need an additional HCG booster shot. Tuesday morning will be the retrieval. I am actually looking forward to that. The thought of the egg retrieval always scared me but my ovaries just plain hurt so I am more than ready for the eggs to be taken out so my poor ovaries can go back down to a normal size.

Anyways that means the transfer will probably be on Sunday the 18th. Then I should find out if I am pregnant on the 28th. So that will be exciting. Just means I will be doing the whole Christmas thing while in my two week wait. Which I am hoping that will be a good distraction. Nothing is going to be harder than wondering if the $15,000 I spent worked or not, but not having any way to know for two weeks. That will be tough.

All in all, I am glad this is all coming to an end soon. It has been tough. I am very glad that I shouldn't have to do anymore shots past Monday. I will be moving on to other types of meds that don't require any needles. I really am praying that this works and that soon there will be a bun in the oven. So we really could use all the prayers and good thoughts and vibes we can get right now!  Everyone cross all you fingers and toes... and also wish on every shooting star you see for us to have success. We really need it!

I am so over this IVF stuff. Make it stop!

So I am struggling today.  I am just tired of all the needles... the ultrasounds... and blood draws. My stomach looks horrible and every shot hurts. Especially the Menopur. It burns like crazy!  So it just sucks knowing that I would be having my egg retrieval on the 10th... had my body not decided to take it's time responding to the meds. Really I shouldn't complain. It is going to happen either Monday or Tuesday... so just a few days longer. Sadly in the world of IVF... a few days feels like an eternity!

So really my appointment today went well. My follicles are between 13-16mm now. My Estrodial levels are great. I go back on Saturday for yet more bloodwork and an ultrasound. They will decide from there if I will be doing my trigger shot Saturday night or Sunday night. Sadly we also have to order more meds... which means more needles. Oh and more money. So basically another $590.00 for just enough meds to get me through till Saturday. Sad stuff.

I am just counting down the days until this is all over with. My ovaries really are starting to ache a lot. I cant even imagine how bad they are going to feel in a couple days when they are even bigger than they are now. IVF honestly is not for the faint of heart. I really question if I am strong enough for it. I keep trying to tell myself to look at the bigger picture. I know it will all be worth it in the end. I just hope I make it to the end with my sanity intact.

My Hens are Squawking

I had another Ultrasound yesterday morning. I was very nervous about it. I was afraid my follicles would not have grown, and the Doctor would be talking about cancelling the cycle. So I went in to my appointment feeling very apprehensive about it. I instantly relaxed when the Doctor started spouting off sizes of my follicles. They went from 7-8mm to 10-11mm. I was just glad they finally started growing like they should. The Doctor even assured me that I should have plenty of extra embryos to freeze… which will be nice! So I left feeling good about things. I go back for another ultrasound tomorrow morning. I hope more good news continues to come my way. This next ultrasound they said they will better be able to know when the egg retrieval will be. It should be this weekend sometime… possibly Monday. So hopefully my body is continuing to cooperate, and I will be able to get the egg retrieval done and over with soon.

So now I better explain the random title of this post (which really pertains to this post). You know how people will use the phrase "my dogs are barking" when their feet ache? Well my new phrase "my hens are squawking" is going to be my little way of letting my husband know that my ovaries ache. I figure it's better to say that, then to gross everyone out around us by saying "my ovaries hurt". So that's my new phrase. But seriously, my ovaries do hurt. They are not happy right now and I really can't blame them. Usually each month there is one or two follicles per ovary that develop. Well in my case there is more like 20 follicles in each ovary so it's getting a bit crowded in there. So my ovaries pretty much feel like they are ready to explode! They don't constantly ache (yet), but are more just twinges of pain here and there. It's not really pain either… just a dull ache. If I bend wrong or sit weird they voice their displeasure loud and clear. They are starting to ache more and more, the bigger they get. They still have to get a bit bigger as well so it's going to get interesting in a few days. None-the-less… just another thing I am willing to put up with for the opportunity to have a baby.

All in all…. This whole IVF thing has been like a roller coaster ride. Some days are better than others. I am very tired of needles and my belly seems to be tired of it as well. I am all polka dotted and the shots are starting to hurt. Menopur is not my favorite injection. It burns like the dickens! I am also bruised on my arm where they keep drawing blood. But I am resigned. I am to the point where I am just going along with whatever… just as long as I get what I want out of it all. At this point I don't care what hell I have to go through…. I have resigned myself to it. So bring it on!

They stopped growing...so bring on more meds!

I had an ultrasound and blood work today. So apparently my follicles have not grown since Tuesday. I also think my lab work came back lower than they want it. So it means they are upping my Bravelle. They are also started me on Menopur as well. So I will be doing 3 vials of Bravelle and 1 of Menopur. Luckily it is all given in one shot. Of course the Lupron is another shot on its own. 

I am trying hard to not let myself stress out about it. I just hope my body starts responding and doing what it needs to do soon. They said my egg retrieval will probably get pushed back a day or two... which sucks but I guess a couple days wont kill me. I am just tired of needles. This whole IVF process is not for the faint of heart... and sometimes I questions if I can really handle it. I just keep telling myself I only have two more weeks of this.

Anyways... I will have another Ultrasound on Tuesday. So I am really hoping that the results are better and that my follicles have grown by then. So maybe I will have better news by then. It is getting old having to get shots every night and also having to be home by 9 pm to get them. I feel like I have a curfew again! Tonight we are going to walk around Temple Square. So I guess I will just pack up my meds and leave them in the car in case we are out late. We will just have to ditch the group and run to the car for the shots, and then meet back up. It will be interesting!