Hiding From the World

I have never hidden from the world before now. It is an interesting experience not feeling like I can be around people. Wednesday I was working from home and just signed off for the day after getting the bad news. I felt I had to at least do a facebook and blog post letting people know IVF failed. I know I had made the choice to be totally open about the IVF experience and people were going to be curious. I didn't want to have text after text come in with people asking if I was pregnant. So I figured a quick facebook and blog post would answer that questions for everyone. I also sent a text to my close family and friends saying it was negative and please no phone calls because I couldn't handle talking to people.   I was hoping that didn't come out mean,  but I knew I would not be able to talk.

The supportive text msgs and responses to facebook were overwhelming. I pretty much ignored text msgs and phone calls on Wednesday. Mike had come home from work immediately after I called him with the negative results. My dad came home shortly after that, after finishing the ceiling at Mike's parents house. It was nice having him there. It really helped. Once I was able to stop crying and get rid of some of the puffiness under my eyes... we decided to go to Cracker Barrel for lunch just to get out of the house.  Mike and I even did some shopping with gift cards. I was just trying to keep myself from thinking.

Thursday I took the day off work. I just wanted to sleep all day and did not want to face the world. Also the thought of talking to people on the phone all day trying to sound cheery and like everything was great, did not appeal to me. So I spent most of Thursday sleeping and lounging. Thursday night Mike and I wandered out a bit to get me out of the house. I was fine to be out and about and see people, as long as they were strangers that knew nothing about me. The thought of seeing people that know me and would ask how I was doing, was what I needed to avoid. I did text a couple people during the day on Thursday, and even talked to my dad over the phone.

Friday I worked from home. It was nice being at home and not having to face my coworkers. Although I talked to them through Instang Messaging. It's much easier talking to people when it's not face to face. Also did more shopping with gift cards with Mike. So I wasn't shut up in the house the entire day.

Today Mike ran a marathon distance around the Olympic Oval track. so I spent 4 hours on the bleachers entertaining myself by reading and listening to my Ipod. I did talk to Stefan (Mike's friend) face to face, but luckily he didn't say anything about the IVF. I probably would have cried if he did. Mike hasn't been feeling too good since that run so I have just been lounging at home. I was invited to go play games tonight with my family, but I am not sure I can face them yet. Although I did promise them I would come for dinner tomorrow night.

It's just hard. I have never not been able to face people. Even when my mom died, I didn't hide from the world. The thought of seeing people I know and dreading them asking about the IVF or how I am doing, just petrifies me. I guess I am not okay yet. I still cry a lot and still really hurt. In fact, this whole New Years thing is not fun! I have never really been a fan of New Years anyways. My history includes way too many sad ones. I think the hardest part is I am not excited for 2012. I know that we will not have funding to do another round of IVF for a couple years yet so 2012 does not hold the possibility of a baby for me. I would honestly be perfectly fine skipping head to maybe 2015 (when the IVF loan is paid off and we could financially handle another round of IVF).

I am just having problems adjusting. The last couple of years have been really focused on infertility and trying to have a baby. All of that has come to a screeching halt.  So I now have to figure out something to fill my mind and time. Something else to worry about. I just don't even know how to not think of infertility. So this will be a hard adjustment for me. Unfortunately it is an adjustment that must be made. So 2011 wasn't the best year (odd numbered years never are for me).... but I don't really have high hopes for 2012 either. Sucks to start out a new year like this, but what can ya do!