Murder Mystery Party

I hosted a Murder Mystery party/Birthday party for Lizzy and Shelley on Saturday. We did a BBQ and then started the murder mystery part. I was a bit nervous since I had never hosted a murder mystery before but it was fun. I was surprised that everyone dressed up. I think I was probably the most under dressed compared to everyone else. There was a little confusion here and there, but it was still fun. I of course forgot my camera so these are pictures Jenny took...

This is the cute cake Jenny made for Lizzy and Shelley
Hannah and Kristin were biker guys

This is my cousin Barbara and her husband. He didn't have a part. She really dressed up compliments of the D.I. She was the reverends wife.

Linda was the trailer park owner and Dave was a Carnival worker.

I was the Sheriff and Mike was the Reverend.

Jenny was taking pictures so we didn't get a picture of her. She was Dusty Diamond with big dreams of Nashville. Dusty also hosted Karaoke night at the bar. She did good playing her part. She had her cowboy hate and guitar and played us the only Jewel song she knows how to play. Kari was also there but for some reason Jenny didn't get her picture. She played the Slutty bar maid. She dressed nice and slutty with bright lipstick and even had a fake cigarette in her cleavage. It was so much fun. I can't wait to do it again!

A nice saturday with family...

A few of us got together on Saturday. We rode trax and then Frontrunner to Ogden where we met up with Jenny and Roger for lunch. We then chatted for a bit until it was time for our train to leave. We convinced Jenny and Roger to come back to Salt Lake with us. We then wandered around Gateway for a few hours. It was fun. When we got back to the trax station, there was a really bad accident. We were worried that it was blocking the trax tracks but it wasn't, and the trains still came and went on schedule. It was a lot of fun getting together with the family. I think we need to do things like this more often. I took pictures, but I only had my cell phone so they aren't the best quality. I only took them at the Ogden Train station though, but here they are...

My dad admiring a train car

The guys talking train mechanics

The girls chatting about girly stuff

Kristin, Alissa, and Parker playing on the train

Alissa and Brinley posing for a picture.

Parker, Alissa, and Brinley

Just a fun picture looking thru the train at the guys chatting mechanics

Our newly remodeled rooms...

A few weeks ago I came up with the brilliant idea of using some of our tax return to repaint and carpet the three bedrooms. It took a lot of persuasion to convince Mike it was worth all the work. My dad was nice enough to do most of the work for us. He brought all his carpet tools and painting tools. He gave the walls a good texture before we painted it. It looks so nice having texture to it. I hate having flat boring walls. We were also able to buy some carpet remnants for a good deal. We ended up having enough to carpet all three rooms and the hallway. We were going to repaint the hallway and texture it too, but we got too worn out and decided it would look weird if we had a line where the kitchen and hallway met. So maybe some day when we redo our kitchen... we can repaint the hall walls. So the Kitchen and Laundry room are the only rooms that we have not done anything to since we bought the house.

So I went thru and did before and after pictures. I am just now realizing that you can't tell the difference in some of the rooms because the walls are off white, but in these pictures look white. Plus you cannot see the texturing to the walls, nor can the carpet be seen. So here are the pictures anyways. I guess you would have had to see before and after in real life to be able to appreciate it.

The Hallway got carpeted. It is probably the most noticeable difference out of all the pictures.

Pardon the laundry on our bed in this picture. This one you can kind of see the carpet. It was Blue Carpet but is now the tan color carpet we have in the rest of the rooms. Also there was one wall that had blue floral wallpaper. We got rid of that so all walls are the same off white color.

Doesn't look like much difference in the guest room. The carpet before was a yellowish color. It is funny how the walls look whiter now than they did before, but they aren't white.

The junk/game room is now our little exercise room. It is still not fully put back together so it looks cluttered, but it is nice. I like to watch past biggest loser episodes on the computer while I run. Its nice. We also put the old hallway runners in here to protect the carpet from the wrath of the treadmill.

Anyways... I am glad to have it done and it really makes our house seem more updated and nice. Plus replacing the carpet and repainting got rid of the old grandma smell we had in our house. So its nice to come home and have the house smell new. I am happy with it.

Newest Rock Pet

So somewhere in all the craziness of redoing the house, I was able to paint another rock. I painted a Macaw. It took me a lot longer than I expected it would. I am very pleased with how it turned out. Now Mike is in charge of designing a Perch so we can have it on display in our house. So anyways... here is the finished product. Once we get the perch done, I will post another picture of it.

An Emotional Wreck

This is going to be sort of a downer post, but I need to vent. So this is my first round on Clomid since losing my mom. It also is the highest dosage yet (150 mg). Clomid has always made me so crazy emotionally, but this time it is worse than normal. Partly because I am on such a high dosage, and also because I feel so alone in it. My mom was the only person I felt I could talk to about the Clomid and how it effected me. She was always so understanding and would give the encouragement to keep going forward with it all. I really miss her and feel like I need her.

I ended up leaving work early today because I was just too emotional. I felt right on the edge of either a blow-up or a break-down. I was worried I would get set-off by a patient and I would tell them off. I didn't want to chance losing my job because of Clomid. So I left half way thru the day. I felt guilty going home, but I just couldn't handle it. Plus I have been having major vertigo today which doesn't make life fun.

Honestly, I think this is the hardest time I have had on it yet. I think this dosage is just too much for me. I can't handle it. It just makes me so moody that I cant even stand myself. I haven't really cried much today but when my dad came home and asked how I was doing, I lost it. I cried to him for a little while. Its just hard. I hate doing Clomid and I hate that I cant just get pregnant like other people. It frustrates me, and now its so much harder without my Clomid Buddy being here. I really miss her.

Interesting Observation

So I was thinking back to November and all my family and I went thru. It is interesting looking back because everything is a big blur. The week of the funeral was such a whirlwind, there was no way to digest it all. There are a lot of details I cannot remember any longer. I was numb.

I was forgetful. I couldn't remember anything and I couldn't keep anything straight. I was always forgetting little things and having a hard time remembering to do things. It was just weird how forgetful I was. It seems like a lot of people I talk to remember being really spacey and forgetful for the first little while. I am glad it eventually wore off though because it was frustrating not being able to remember little things.

I have heard a lot of people that say they were unable to really function after a death. I didn't realize it until now... but I honestly was not functioning for probably the first month. I couldn't make myself do the dishes, or make dinner, or do anything. I had no desire to do anything; I just felt so lost. Thankfully I have a great husband who stepped in and took over everything. I honestly owe him a lot. We were discussing it today... how I was almost like a Zombie but without really knowing it at the time.

It is interesting the emotional defense mechanisms the body employs when going thru a traumatic experience. It can be annoying, but then again... I am thankful I was numb thru everything. I feel like I am finally getting to a better place, like the fog is lifting. I can think more clearly and function more. I am still not back to where I was, but I can tell there is some progress being made. I still miss her, and always will. I will probably always have random break downs, but for the most part... I feel like I am back to Living.

P.S. Thanks for all the awesome comments on my last post. It really helps knowing there are so many people that care about me and are understanding of me. Thanks for all the encouragement!

Break-downs

I know I haven't really blogged much about the struggle dealing with the loss of my mom, so I figured I needed to do a nice venting session. I had a bit of a break-down tonight. Its funny because I don't have them as much as I use to... but it seems like when I do have them, they are much bigger break-downs.

I still miss her. I do a good job of keeping myself busy so I don't have time to think about it. Sometimes I can even make myself believe she is in St. George and I just haven't seen her in awhile. I can only pretend for so long. Little things set me off, and I never know what it will be.

I don't remember if I blogged about this or not, but I have started really watching what I eat... and exercising. I am doing it almost obsessively now. I feel like the underlining issue with my mom was her weight. She went and had her stomach stapled because of her weight. She had no idea at that time that it would later cause her stomach cancer and ultimately lead to her death. I don't want my weight to someday lead to my death. I am determined to be healthy.

So today I slipped up. I ate some horrible foods and way too much food. I feel horrible about it. I ran 3 miles on the treadmill, but I still feel bad. Running tends to mess with my emotions. There are many times I have cried while I ran. Add to that watching the Biggest Loser while running, and it is guaranteed to be a crying session. So I lost it. I was feeling so bad about what I ate, and also feeling so sluggish tonight and just feeling like I let myself down. I also in a way feel like I let my mom down too. I know it sounds stupid for me to say that, but its honestly how I feel deep down inside. I feel like it is a disappointment for her to see me mess up and not stick to my routine. I want so badly to be healthy because I don't want to die young.

It's kind of embarrassing sharing all of this, but it does help to get this off my chest. I really do miss her and sometimes when I think of going the rest of my life without her, it feels like too much to handle. I still need her for so much. There are so many milestones in life that I want her to be there for. I know she will be there, but I wish I could physically see her there with me. It still seems so unreal that she is gone. I never would have guessed that I would have my 26th birthday without her. Sometimes, it honestly feels so unfair. I try not to get angry about it, but sometimes I can't help it. It is just so hard. I may come across to everyone that I am doing ok, and that I am strong... but inside I am always hurting. I just feel like people are tired of seeing the sad Melissa, and tired of hearing about it. So I hold a lot of it in. Somedays, I really don't feel like I am ok, and I really wonder how in the world I will ever survive this. I just really miss her.