Calico Kitty

I finished this rock awhile ago and was going to hold onto it incase I could sell it someday. Of course it ended up becoming a give away thing again. We have a family BBQ yesterday and played Bunco. Everyone was suppose to bring like a gift that could be a prize. I had no idea what to take, so at the last minute I ended up taking the rock. Kari ended up winning it... so hopefully she enjoys it!

A Break

I need to stop doing such downer posts. It tends to freak people out. I really am ok. Life is crazy and there is a lot going on and alot to digest, but I am doing ok. actually I am the most relaxed I have been about the whole infertility thing than I have been in a long time.

Infertility is stressful! Taking the meds, then the two week wait and the negative tests. I haven't allowed myself to take a break for awhile. I have needed a break.... but wouldn't allow myself to take one. So that means I am now forced to take a break. Its like finally I can stop and just take a breather. I did already take the Femara for the month, and I am dealing with some emotional craziness, but I am not worried about things. I guess in a sense I new realize that the chance of us getting pregnant without some serious help is very slim. So I am not worrying about this round. I wont be watching the calender and taking pregnancy test after pregnancy test. I am just going to go about my normal life.

I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel free. I know this doesn't make much sense, and I know that my mood can change by the day. For the time being, I am enjoying the break. Enjoying the freedom. I have nothing to stress about right now. We cannot proceed with treatments until we go to the Consultation at the University Of Utah... which happens to be on Friday. Either way that buys me a worry free week where I cant stress myself out because I don't know where to go or what we need to do. I LOVE it!

Anyways, we will see what Friday brings. Hopefully it will bring answers and options. Then at that point we will decide where we want go with things. Until then, I am just going to enjoy my freedom for a bit.

In Mourning

I have heard it said before that women going through infertility mourn the children they may never have. Never has that felt so true than now. I mourn the child with Mike's eyes, and my nose (although really I don't like my nose, and would rather the child end up with all of Mike's traits and few of mine, but you get the point). Either way, I may never get the chance to see what Mike and I could produce. My curly haired little girl, My curiously destructive little boy…may never exist. It is hard to face that reality, but it is time to face it head on.

Mike and I got some test results back and have now been told the same thing by two different doctors. Pretty much our only hope for having children at this time is in-vitro. That scares me. Even typing the word in-vitro scares me. I think of that and see dollar signs and broken hearts. It costs anywhere from $10,000 - $15,000 and there is no guarantee that it will work. I hoped we wouldn't have to face this prospect, but it appears there will be no escaping it. Mike and I have a few decisions to make. We need to decide how far we are willing to go, and what we would be willing to do. We need to decide if maybe we could accept that it might just be the two of us, with no offspring of our own. Maybe we are not meant to have a family. I don't know. It is hard to say what will happen at this time, but at least I know what it will take for us. I was thinking of doing IUI, but it sounds like that might not work for us, so maybe it will be good to skip that step and wasted money.

I figure the first step we need to take is to contact the University of Utah Reproductive Care Center. It is time to move on. Dr Barton has been awesome, but we have exhausted our options for what he can do for us. He himself suggested that we move on to bigger things. So I will be scheduling an appointment. I am nervous for it and sometimes wonder if I am really ready to take this big of a step and fully immerse myself into the world of infertility. Part of me thinks maybe now would be a good time to take a break and get my associates degree. On the flip side, the thought of turning 30 yrs old and still not having any kids scares me to death! Part of me is scared to take a break and waste two valuable years that I might need in my quest for a baby.

There are so many unknowns. I guess first thing first is to see what the U has to offer us, and then decide from there if we are ready or how we would fund such a costly procedure. It will be good to have direction and to know exactly what it will take for us. It is hard being thrown into the big unknown world of infertility and treatments. I didn't want to face this yet, but the time has come that I have to face it head on once and for all! Wish us luck!

Yorkie

So I can finally blog about this rock since I have finally had a chance to meet up with my friend Wynter and give it to her. I didn’t want to ruin the surprise so I have waited to post about this rock.

Wynter is really into Yorkies. She had her dog Samson that I remember from our highschool days. Now she has her dog Gracie. Anyways I wanted to try painting a yorkie, and I figured it would be a good house warming (although late) housewarming gift. Sadly I don’t know how to work Mikes camera and only managed to get one picture that didn’t turn out horribly blurry. So here it is!

St. George

First off I should start this post by letting everyone know that I am ok. I didn’t mean to scare everyone with my last post. That was not my intention. I was simply trying to vent. Mothers Day hit me kinda hard, but I am ok. I am surviving.

We went to St George for Mothers day weekend. It was a nice trip. We managed to go out to dinner with an old friend. It was fun. I love being able to just sit and catch up with people from my past. It was a nice dinner and a nice little chat. I am glad I got to do it. Saturday we spent time with my Dad and watched the first 3 finishers of the Iron Man. It was really interesting and weird for me to be standing at the finish line watching the runners come in with Mike by my side. It is not often he is a spectator at a race. Seriously though, I cannot even imagine doing and Iron Man. Those people are incredible for doing it!

Saturday night we went to a BBQ with some of my cousins. It was a blast! It was fun getting out and socializing, and I always have fun spending time with my cousins. There are so many good memories with them. I am so glad that I grew up close to my cousins and being able to see them fairly often.

Sunday morning we got up and headed out. We stopped in New Harmony and spent a couple hours there looking and buying some car parts from a mustang guy. It was nice being able to get some more parts we needed for my ’67. Then we finally headed home.

It was a nice weekend. I really enjoyed the time that I had in St George. It was a really fun weekend. It really helped to take my mind off of things. It was very much needed. I cant wait till the next St George trip!

Whirlwind of Emotions

Warning: This is a long, depressing post. So if you don't like reading downer posts, avoid this one. I am venting all my emotions without censoring them... so this could be scary.

I am Angry, frustrated, Sad, and exhausted. I wish that I was just physically exhausted, since that can be fixed with a nap or a good night’s sleep. I am emotionally exhausted though, which I am hoping a nice little vacation will fix. I guess we will see.

I am angry because I feel like God is putting me through too much. I am angry because I shouldn’t have to go to a cemetery every time I want to visit my mother. I am angry because I have a defective body that won’t allow me to become a mother. I am angry because 16 year olds and drug addicts are having babies every day, but good people that can honestly take care of a baby and give them the best life imaginable are unable to have babies. I am angry because it does not make sense to me and I cannot find the logic behind it. I am angry because I always was told that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle, but I am finding that is not true. I am angry, because I feel like such a weak person because I can’t handle it.

I am frustrated because of the inner battle I feel and the guilt I feel for being so angry at God. I am frustrated because my body doesn’t work right and because it is so difficult dealing with the crazy emotions. I am angry because I feel like I am stuck in between AF coming to visit, and negative pregnancy tests. I am frustrated because AF didn’t start on its own like the Femara was making it do. I am frustrated because I don’t feel like the Femara worked this time, which means I have to look at other options and other avenues. I am frustrated because I am still getting negative pregnancy tests but it isn’t making AF start like it normally does. I am frustrated because of the bitterness I associate with Mother’s Day. I am frustrated with money and lack thereof. I am frustrated with the restoration of my car and the stress associated with it. I am frustrated because I am tired of feeling so many different emotions at one time, that I cannot think straight or decide what emotion I really am. I am frustrated because my bad moods effect Mike, and he shouldn’t have to deal with me.

I am sad because I miss my mom more than I can express in words. I am sad because I don’t get to call her up on Sunday and wish her a happy Mother’s Day. I am sad because I don’t have any kids to wish me a happy Mother’s Day. I am sad because Mother’s Day has turned into such a horrible holiday for me. I am sad because I feel like I am letting Mike down not being able to get pregnant very easily. I am sad because I also feel like I am letting his family down since he is the only one left to carry on the Epperson name, and I feel like I am preventing that from happening. I am sad because of the price of infertility treatments and how hard it will be to fund them. I am sad because I feel like I am running out of options in the way of inexpensive treatments. I am sad because I can’t call my mom and vent to her about my infertility frustrations anymore. I am sad because none of my sisters can relate or understand what I am going through. I am sad because I feel so separated from everyone else. I am sad because I once again feel so left behind by my family. I am sad because I feel so alone.

I am exhausted because my emotions change from one minute to the next. I am exhausted because I had a minor break down yesterday and it has carried on to today. I am exhausted because I feel like I am at the end of my rope with dealing with infertility stuff. I am exhausted because I am constantly fighting a battle with myself to keep going with the infertility treatments versus stopping for awhile. I am exhausted because I keep going back and forth on what the next step should be in infertility treatments. I am exhausted because I am stuck in this stupid two week wait, even though I know I am not pregnant. I am exhausted thinking of doing another round. I am exhausted with the logistics and schedules that have to be followed in order to do another round. I am exhausted because I feel like I am getting older and should have 3 kids by now. I am exhausted because I feel like I should be going back to school, but I don’t feel that I can honestly handle that stress on top of the infertility stress. I am exhausted from trying to desperately find something or some way to keep my mind off of Mother’s Day but I am failing miserably. I am exhausted from all the guilt I feel about being so angry and bitter. I am exhausted from trying to decide if this is even something I can post on my blog since no one likes a pessimistic person. I am exhausted because I still worry how people would react to this post, and if they would think this is just a way to get attention. I am so exhausted from worrying that something I said will offend someone and result in losing a friend. I am exhausted because I am to the point where I don’t care, just as long as O can get my feelings out.

I know that I should be counting my blessings right now, but I don’t have the energy to do it. I feel like I am hardly functioning today… like even getting out of bed this morning almost didn’t happen. I really wish I could just be curled up in a ball in my bed avoiding life today… but I can’t. I know there are so many good things in my life, but right now I can’t get past the part of my life that is in shambles. I just need a break from it all!