The Fog starts Rolling in

It is coming. I can feel the fog starting to slowly roll in. It has been two years, but that hasn't lessened the pain. I didn't think the 2^nd anniversary would be like this. I thought it would be easier. Maybe when it comes down to it, it won't be as bad, but I can already feel that feeling of dread, the darkness slowly engulfing me and we are still more than 2 months away from the actual two year anniversary.

I think what is causing it, is the fact that I will be going to St George tonight. Mike will be running the St. George Marathon on Saturday, which was when it all began two years ago. That was when my dad took my mom to the ER, when they rushed her in for exploratory surgery, when they found the tumor. We had no idea at that time that it was cancerous. I remember standing in the waiting room with my dad and the Doctor telling us nothing about the tumor looked cancerous, and that my mom was going to be fine. We had no idea that her time was quickly winding down.

I feel bad that I now associate the St. George Marathon with losing my mom. That marathon in 2009 was such a bitter sweet day. Mike finally qualified for Boston, something he had been working towards. I feel bad his victorious day also marked the beginning of the end for my mom. I feel bad that every year since it has been so hard emotionally to go to the marathon.

I think one of the biggest things I am dreading is getting to St George and walking up to the front door of my parents house. It always causes me to flash back to the day my mom died. Mike and I were the first ones to get to St. George. I will never forget walking up to the front door and my dad standing there crying. It is one of the things that I will never forget. It always brings me to tears thinking it. In fact, even writing about it has brought me to tears.

Either way this year is going to be interesting. I already feel that it will be an emotional few months, but it is going to interesting when I start the IVF meds that are suppose to make me VERY emotional. I guess IVF at this time of year wasn't the best idea, but I was not about to push back the IVF because it happened to fall at the most inopportune time of the year.

I already know I will cry when I get to St George tonight and experience being at that house without my mom there. Then I will go to bed and wake up in the morning and be ok. I am determined to keep myself busy while down there and try not to think about it. I really hope I can look thru pictures and find old pictures of my Mustang, so that is my main focus…. And of course being there for Mike and watching him cross the finish line of the marathon. I have been so excited for this trip, but I guess I didn't realize how hard it is going to be at the same time. A vacation is a vacation and I am going to try my best to pull myself out of the fog enough to enjoy it.