I'm Struggling

Things are starting to get harder to handle. All  the stuff leading up to the IVF was going so smoothly until lately. All the hormones being pumped into my body are really starting to effect me. It's getting harder to stay optimistic about everything. I am an emotional wreck and feel like crying one minute and yelling at someone the next. I hate being hormonal... but this time is pretty bad. 

One of the shots tonight really hurt. It must have just been a bad spot. The new medication I am on burns like heck after being injected. Really its only maybe like 5 minutes total of pain each night so It's not that big of a deal. I just dread it each night. My stomach is all polka dotted from all the needles getting shoved in it each night. It will be nice when my stomach can go back to being a stomach... instead of a pin cushion.

It is all just overwhelming. I am trying hard to stay positive but just struggling with it right now. I keep telling myself I really only have a little over two weeks before I will be all done with the IVF. Sadly I have to face the dreaded 2 week wait after that. The month of December is going to be a very emotional month. Hopefully Christmas and everything else will help keep my mind off of things and help me make it though.

Anyways on the plus side... I texted Mike this morning telling him that I wasn't feeling good and was feeling super hormonal and asked him to buy me a box of chocolates. He took it one step further and bought a box of chocolates, plus a bag of Dove chocolate. Seriously.... I don't know what I would do without him! So glad he is being so understanding of all my crazy mood swings and everything I am going through. I am also glad he is doing the shots for me since I am too big of a chicken. He is actually getting really good at it. I'm impressed! Very glad to have him in my life.

More Needles

I had to go get blood work done today as well as an ultrasound. The ultrasound got crazy. Apparently no one felt it necessary to inform me that the office I was suppose to go to was in Provo. So I was finally told after arriving at the wrong place. Overall I ended up being about 40 minutes late for my ultrasound but I got it done. It was fun seeing all those cute little follicles. She counted at least 20 in one ovary. So hopefully that means we will have lots of extra eggs that can hopefully become good embryos to freeze.

So tonight I get to start Bravelle... which puts me at two shots a day. I am honestly not too worried. I am really starting to get use to the needles. It just seems crazy that I am really starting to get into the craziness of IVF. Its all happening! So exciting!! Now if I can just pull myself out of the crazy hormonal mood swings, we will be good to go. At this point, I will be lucky if Mike doesn't divorce me before we can do the IVF.

Survived the First Shot - IVF is Really Happening!!

I figured I should do a  little post on the first shot of Lupron I had to have on Friday. I was incredibly freaked out about giving myself shots. I have been avoiding the big box full of meds and needles the past week... trying to forget what was to come. We had our training with the nurse on Wednesday... which was interesting but fast. She pretty much focused on how to mix the meds (when I get to the Bravelle and Menopur shots), with a quick little blurb on how to fill the syringe and where to give the shot.  I was so freaked out about it all that I had nightmares of random strangers chasing me with needles. It was awesome.

So Friday rolls around. We were told to give the shot at night but make sure we choose a time that will be convenient since we have to give the same shot at the same time every night. So we decided on 9:30... which would be right before bed. So I had butterflies in my stomach all day at work but tried hard not to think of it. As the day went on, I was able to be more calm. I actually calmed down a lot... at least until about 8:45 pm. I knew what was coming and I was scared. We were watching a show that ended at 8:55. So I decided that I didn't want to wait anymore and I wanted to get it over with.

I pulled out the syringe, alcohol swab, and Lupron and set them all out. I then filled the first syringe. Mike was there watching and said I was filling the syringe wrong. I felt very sure about my ability at doing this since I had spent the last month watching You Tube videos of people giving themselves the shots. Apparently the way I did it just caused a lot of air bubbles in the syringe. So shot number two we tried the way Mike said it should be done, and it worked better. I hate it when he is right! 

Anyways back to shot number one. We were flicking the syringe like crazy trying to get rid of the air bubble. Mike even tried to slowly push the syringe to see if he could get the air out and inevitably shot a bunch of Lupron all over the kitchen floor (Yes, for some reason we decided the Kitchen to be the best place to play dr. I think its a sign that we spend way too much time in the kitchen). So we got the syringed filled back up to where it needed to be and gave up on the air bubble. The nurse had assured us that because this is just a subcutaneous shot, a little air bubble would not kill me.

So I decided I would try to do the shot first. I knew Mike was not wanting to have to do it, and I felt bad putting that burden on him. So there I was in the kitchen holding the needle trying to get up the guts to shove it in my belly. I would get all ready and start moving my hand to do it, then would freak out. So Mike stood there smiling and laughing at me which did not help. I finally told him I couldn't do it, and handed him the syringe. He got in position and I freaked out and grabbed it back from him. For some reason, seeing him with the needle really scared me. So I tried again to give myself the shot and finally just handed it over to him. I couldn't do it and I knew someone had to. So I looked away and he was able to get the needle in and the Lupron without any problems. I was surprised because I didn't even feel it going in. The only way I knew it was in was because I felt the plastic part of the syringe touch my skin. So really it was nothing. All that hype and fear over nothing. It really helped me to feel better about it and realize that I can do this.

We have already survived two shots and the 2nd one was nothing. There was a little stinging after the fact but not bad. Mike is getting to be a pro at this and almost seems to be enjoying himself. I still get to be the one to fill the syringe and use the alcohol wipe on my stomach. He just shoves the needle in and pushes the plunger. We make a great team!

Really, I have a lot of hope that this wont be so bad. The needles are painless...they are little diabetic needles, and really pretty small.  I think the worst of it is that Lupron seems to make me incredibly tired. I am usually ready for bed a half hour after the shot. I have been drowsy all day today and have had a slight headache... which I am hoping is because I slept in too late this morning... although I have heard people complain of having a constant headache while on Lupron. I am hoping that tomorrow I feel better and that I wont have any nasty side effects. I guess we will see! For now I am fine with everything and just trying to stay optimistic. I really hope to be carrying a bundle of joy before the end of the year. Everyone keep their fingers crossed for us!

The Song for Every Situation

You know how there is always one specific song that you just latch onto? The song that inspires and gives you hope? The song you can listen to when you are depressed. The song that seriously can fit every situation you will ever find yourself in, in one way or another. Well I have one of those songs. It has never let me down. I LOVE it!   My husband asked me out of curiosity to look at my itunes and see which song was the most played. I wasn’t surprised which song it is, but I was a little surprised to see that I have listened to it over 200 times.  It beat out 2^nd most played by over 60 plays. It even beat out my Favorite song “The Best I ever Had” by Vertical Horizon by almost 75 plays.  

This song has been here for me through all kinds of situations. The first time I heard it…. I mean REALLY heard it was on my Honeymoon back in September of 2008. Mike had played this song before, but It never jumped out at me until that day. I can remember it perfectly. We were driving on a highway between Bozeman, Montana and West Yellowstone. The trees were showing their full fall display. It was dusk, and the rain clouds were dark and really low, hiding the tops of the mountains. It was gorgeous! I remember this song coming on and the lyrics jumping out at me….” You've got the future on your side.You're gonna be fine now.I know whatever you decide. You're gonna shine.”  It hit me in that moment that I was starting a new chapter of my life. I had gone through hell with My ex, and had really made a mess of my life.  Mike was offering me a whole new life. By marrying him I was turning over a new leaf.. starting anew. I knew in that moment that I was going to be fine. I had my entire life ahead of me with him and I felt safe and really happy. 

The next instance that this song helped me was shortly after my mom died. “Look around, Where do you belong. Don’t be afraid, you’re not the only one.”  It was crazy how I could feel so alone in my grief. I know I was not alone by any means, my family was all going through the same thing. Hearing those lyrics made me realize that many people before me had gone through losing their mother at a young age, and they survived. I was not alone. Although I felt like I was a different person and almost felt like I didn’t fit in with normal society anymore because I was motherless…. I realized that I was by no means alone. It was comforting to me.

When I made the decision to leave the company I had been with for the last 6 years, I was scared. I was so uncertain that I was making the right decision by starting with a new company.  This song once again brought me comfort… “Life is short, so learn from your mistakes and stand behind the choices that you make.” That is something I have always had a problem with, is standing behind the choices that I make. I always second guess myself. I needed to trust that the decision I had made was the right decision. 

I know it sounds stupid to feel such a strong connection to a song, but this one has really helped me though. It still helps me though. It hit me yesterday that this IVF is really happening. I do my first shot tomorrow night. Before I know it I will be right in the thick of it all. It scared me, but I know I am not the only one who is going through this. Many people have done this and have survived it. I feel like it’s a huge step to take, but I am ready.  I had a coworker ask me if having a child was really worth all of the shots and medications and stress of IVF. I can honestly say that to me, it’s worth it. I still get angry on occasion that we even have to go this route, but I guess I am accepting it and just trying to move forward. As overwhelming as everything is, I am just going to take it one day at a time. 

Anyways… the full lyrics to “The Answer Lies Within” by Dream Theatre

Look around
Where do you belong
Don't be afraid
You're not the only one

Don't let the day go by
Don't let it end
Don't let a day go by in doubt
The answer lies within

Life is short
So learn from your mistakes
And stand behind
The choices that you make

Face each day
With both eyes open wide
And try to give
Don't keep it all inside

Don't let the day go by
Don't let it end
Don't let a day go by in doubt
The answer lies within

You've got the future on your side
You're gonna be fine now
I know whatever you decide
You're gonna shine

Don't let the day go by
Don't let it end
Don't let a day go by in doubt
You're ready to begin
Don't let a day go by in doubt
The answer lies within

The 2nd Anniversary of the Worst Day of my Life!

November 9th, 2009 I can honestly say is the worst day of my life.  That is the day my mom passed away. Sometimes I get angry and feel like it is so unfair. I should still have her for at least 20 more years!  I should have her here with me taking care of me while I go through the craziness of IVF. I should have here there in the delivery room when I deliver my baby. My children should get to grow up knowing their grandma and eating M&M's at her house every time they go.  I would say I am not nearly as angry as I was, but more or less just sad.

I know she is still around me. I know that she will be here with me as I go through the crazy IVF stuff. I know that she will be in the delivery room helping my child through the birth process. I just wish that I could see her and know she is there. I know that my children already know her. I know she has been getting to know them and preparing them to come here. Maybe it is selfish of me to rather have her physically here with me than with my kids.

I dreamt of her last night. I haven't dreamed of her in awhile. I dreamt we were up the north fork and it was cold so we were snuggled up in blankets on the couch. My favorite part of the dream is knowing that even though I worry i will start to forget the little things in time.... none of it is forgotten when I dream. Her mannerisms... the things she would say... her joking tone of voice..the way she would say my name. It makes me feel better knowing it is all still there in my memory, perfectly preserved.

I really do miss her, but I know I will see her again. It comforts me knowing that when it's my time to go, she will be there to help me transition. I know she will still be around during all the major events in my life and I am grateful for that knowledge.

I just have to post the picture of the M&M tree we did for her last year at the festival of trees. It turned out better than I could have ever hoped. I LOVE it and can't stop looking at the pictures. I am so glad we did it and I know she loved it too!

You can shed tears that she is gone,

or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,

or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,

or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,

or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her only that she is gone,

or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind,

be empty and turn your back.

Or you can do what she'd want:

smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

---David Harkins