Time heals everything.... or does it?

So I am not okay. I know it has been six months, but I still hurt. I know it seems like I should be healing but that's not the case. Everyone says it gets better with time, but I am struggling worse now than I was 5 months ago. I can no longer tell myself my Mom is in St. George and I just haven't seen her for awhile. I finally have to really face reality.

I am embarrassed to admit it, but I started counseling last week. I go for my second session next Wednesday. I think I need it. Mothers day really tore me apart and was too much to handle. I don't know how to deal with things sometimes. I feel like if I was a high school student.... I would have gone from a straight "A" student to failing. I can hardly even handle my job anymore. It is too stressful and sometimes about kills me. I just can't concentrate like I use to be able to. I am feeling a little lost.

I hope counseling helps. I hope it keeps me from having panic attacks, or just up and quiting my job, which I cannot financially do. Everything changed when she died and I just don't know how to handle things anymore. It was hard for me to swallow my pride and start counseling. I didn't want to admit that I might be off my rocker a little bit. I finally realized that it might be the only way I am going to get thru this all.

I have totally changed my focus. I am now spending all my time focusing and training for the Half Marathon in October... or reading a super long book series. It is nice keeping my mind elsewhere and being able to focus on other things. I just worry that by doing that, I am not grieving like I should. What is the normal way to grieve, and is there really a normal way? Until I can figure it out, I guess I am going to keep my focus on other running and books... until I learn how to cope otherwise.

Ogden Marathon

Friday evening after work, Mike and I headed to the great city of Ogden. This was his 4th year doing the Ogden Marathon. As you recall, we have special ties to this race since he proposed to me at it 2 years ago. I wont get into the specifics of it but if you go back to 2008 in the month of May, you can read all about it.

So we got to Ogden after suffering on the freeway in stop and go traffic almost the entire way. We hit the Runners Expo where he picked up his packet. Then we headed to Fazoli's for the traditional Night-Before Pasta Dinner before heading to our Motel for the night.

I love watching Discovery Channel when we stay in hotels or motels. Nothing is more relaxing then just laying there staring at a TV. I would say its because we don't have cable here so the only time I get to watch Discovery Channel and TLC is when we are on vacation. So I was really looking forward to getting some good "Deadliest Catch" watching done. Well I was flipping thru channels and came across Forrest Gump which was just starting. So Mike forced us to watch it. It was rather nice laying with Mike watching in the movie, although I would have rather watched Deadliest Catch than Forrest Gump, but it was his weekend so I thought I would let him have his way.

So the next morning we were up at 4 am to head to the race. I kissed Mike goodbye and wished him luck before climbing into the back of the SUV and going to sleep on the nicely made bed in the back. It was pretty comfy. So while my husband was out pounding the pavement and suffering thru 26.2 miles of pain... I was sleeping all nice, warm, and comfy in the SUV. I finally dragged myself out of bed at 9 am and headed to the start line to wait for him.

Mike did really well on this race. He had just wanted to beat 3:20 but he managed to do it in 3:09:34 (GPS time, we don't know the official time yet). He felt really good about that, and I was very excited for him. He qualified for Boston again... even though he doesn't have any plans to run it again any time soon. Just nice to know he still improving his time. We are thinking he might stand a chance of breaking 3 hrs at St. George this year.

All-in-all it was a good race. He did better than he expected, and I was very proud of him. After the race we spent a few hours at a car show at Thanksgiving Point before going for my six mile run. The six mile run just about killed me. I didn't eat very well that morning so I was running on Empty. I thought I was going to die the last mile and a half. I survived though. I think I am getting the the distance where it really matters the foods I eat prior to running. So next Saturday when I tackle the 7 mile run, I will make sure to watch what I eat prior to running so I can have the energy to do the mileage. On the plus side... I am almost half way to being able to run the Half Marathon.

Tuacahn Car Show

This weekend they did a car show at Tuacahn (where I went to Highschool). I was very excited to find out they were doing a car show there. We headed to St George Friday afternoon in Mikes '65 Fastback. We didn't do much on Friday other than dinner with my Dad and then went to bed. Saturday morning we got up at 4:30 and did a 5 mile run then got showered and headed to the car show.

The show was a ton of fun. There were a bunch of people from the club there. It is always nice getting together with other car enthusiasts. It did get rather hot but altogether, it was fun. They had their Saturday Market going so it was neat wandering thru the different booths. Tuacahn Canyon is beautiful so it was just perfect for a car show.

After the show ended we had a few hours before the awards banquet was scheduled to start. So everyone decided they wanted to do a little cruise to fill the time. Mike and I ended up leading the pack. We took them through Gunlock and around to Pine Valley before heading back to Tuacahn just in time for the banquet. It was a lot of fun. I really enjoy doing the little cruises.

After the Banquet we took a tour of a couple club members house. Very impressive houses. It ended up being very late by the time we got back to my dads house. It was nice to climb into the nice comfy bed. We were going to get up at 5 am to do another run but we were both way too tired. We did get up at 7 am though and I was able to make a couple meals that I divided into individual serving sizes and put in the freezer for my dad. I wanted to make sure he had some options for dinners.

Then we packed up and headed out. We stopped and had breakfast with Mikes parents in Cedar and then headed home. Mikes mom gave me a little figurine that says "A Mothers Love Lasts Forever". It brought tears to my eyes. Mothers day was really hard for me as well as the rest of my family. I honestly thing it was harder than the Holidays were. I survived it though. I was very grateful of Joyce for thinking of me and giving me the perfect gift.

All-in-all, it was a good weekend. Oh, I also registered for a Half marathon in Moab in October. I am nervous but determined I will do it. It will be fun because it will be me, Mike, Heather, Julia, and possibly Holly. I am excited to have a big group there. Lets hope I can be all trained and ready by then!

Someone's Watching Over Me

I got up at 5 am and went running with Mike this morning. Well I ran… he walked beside me. I got 4 miles in before coming into work. It was nice getting out there and getting some distance in. It made it feel so much easier to come in to work and I just feel good about myself. It also helps that I lost a 1.5 lbs in 2 days. I think running in the morning really starts the day out right. Too bad I am not a morning person, or I would do this more often.

Anyways I was sitting here at work listening to my IPod and thinking about how far I have come with running and just feeling proud of myself. Then the song came on by Hilary Duff “Someone’s Watching Over Me”. That song has made me cry in the past and I guess I sort of named it my running theme song because I am working towards a goal and trying to stay strong. Anyways, the song came on and almost brought me to tears because I just had the strongest feeling that it’s my mom’s way of telling me she is proud of me. I really needed to feel that. I want her to be proud of me. Anyways… I saved you all the trouble of Googling the lyrics… so here they are, enjoy!

“Someone's Watching Over Me"
By Hilary Duff

Found myself today
Oh I found myself and ran away
Something pulled me back
The voice of reason I forgot I had
All I know is you're not here to say
What you always used to say
But it's written in the sky tonight


So I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me


Seen that ray of light
And it's shining on my destiny
Shining all the time
And I wont be afraid
To follow everywhere it's taking me
All I know is yesterday is gone
And right now I belong
To this moment to my dreams


So I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me

It doesn't matter what people say
And it doesn't matter how long it takes
Believe in yourself and you'll fly high
And it only matters how true you are
Be true to yourself and follow your heart

So I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
That I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even when it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
That someone's watching over
Someone's watching over
Someone's watching over me
Someone's watching over me

May Day Flowers

As you all know, yesterday was May Day. I have fond memories of being a little girl and my mom helping me celebrate May Day. I think I did this for a couple years, but I would go over and leave flowers on my best friends doorstep, ring the door bell and hide. She always knew it was me, but it was still fun. So in honor of May Day, I decided I needed to go leave flowers on my moms grave. I tried to find Lilacs since that was the type of flower I always used in my May Day festivities, but I was unable to find any. So I went with some pretty blue flowers instead.

When at the cemetery, I realized I had never posted the picture of her headstone. At least I don't think I did. So I took a picture of her headstone with the pretty blue flowers. I really like how the headstone turned out. I tried to brush off grass clippings but was unable to get them all, so disregard all the dirt and clippings. I decided I am going to invest in a small little broom to sweep it off every time I go to visit.

Anyways, I am glad I was able to somewhat keep up the tradition with her. So Happy May Day!