Freak Accident Prone

Mike and I had an interesting conversation about the freak accidents I have been involved in. It made me stop and think about how unlucky I have been during times of my life. What sparked the conversation was my ugly left ankle with its ugly scars and deformity. The little bumps on both sides of my ankle are deformed... one is much more deformed than the other. The way that it happened, really was a freak accident.

I was little.... like maybe 3rd gradish. It was June 9th (don't ask me how I remember that date) and I was jumping on the trampoline with two of my sisters, and my cousin. I was by far the smallest one on the trampoline. My cousin kept doing that power house thing to me where you jump just right and it shoots the person way up in the air. This is where the freak thing comes in... somehow the timing was just right so when everyone landed on the trampoline, and when he did the power house thing to me, it managed to snap my ankle. It broke three bones across, leaving only a small bone still intact. Pretty freakish if you ask me. It wasn't like I flew off the trampoline, or like he landed on my ankle or anything. It was just the way everyone bounced that did it. Everyone still to this day remembers hearing my ankle snap (I don't remember the sound). They all jumped off the trampoline and left me, but another sister came to my rescue. I remember on the way to the hospital looking down at my horrendously swollen ankle. Plus one of the bones was sticking out (not protruding out of the skin though, because that would be pretty gross). Anyways... I ended up getting pins put in my ankle, hence the horrible scars.

So the next year around the same time.... I broke my arm (two bones across this time). This one wasn't so much a freak accident as much as just being stupid. I have no idea why my cousin Cassie and I decided it would be a smart idea to Rollerblade down a giant hill. So lesson learned on this one... dont rollerblade down really big hills, even if there are baby ducks at the bottom that you want to go see. Also if you are going to break your arm, the best time to do it would be when cousins are over, because they feel bad and buy you candy bars. Oh and if you insist on ER visits only a year apart from eachother, do expect to get lectured by parents the entire way to the hospital on how the last bill still isnt paid off.

Then the next year around the same time, I almost drowned in the river in Montana. So I was really nervous for the next few years of my life when June would roll around because I felt like I was just waiting to see what horrible thing would happen next.

So the next major freak thing happened the end of May 2002. I got hit by a car. I was not playing in the road... I was just walking down the sidewalk on my way to work minding my own business when a car swerved up and hit me and drove off. All of the witnesses said it looked like the car was aiming directly for me. The freak part of this is that the driver of the vehicle had a medical issue and passed out behind the wheel. Her car happened to swerve up onto the sidewalk for a second before swerving back onto the road, but I just happened to be on the one little section of sidewalk at the time. This time, my left ankle was broken again, but just the small little bone. I believe it was the bone that survived the trampoline accident. Apparently it couldn't hold up as well against a car.

So all in all.... I have had some really freakish things happen to me. It is kinda funny to look on it all now and laugh about it, but I still have scars and I still have an intense fear of crossing busy streets or walking along busy streets... but I am ok. It is all in the past and over with. Now it is just something I can laugh about and blog about.

Security

To lose someone close to you, changes you. It divides you from most people in the world. You become part of a smaller group of people who have also had their perspective of the world changed. You start to think of life differently, and you are no longer blind to the reality of death. You can no longer think that it will never happen to you. You know that it could very well happen to you or a loved one at any time. It makes you appreciate what you have, and want to live your life better; but it also sometimes makes you paranoid.

It was interesting here at work today. I guess it made me realized how divided I am from most people my age. We got on the topic of life insurance. We just had the option to elect to receive an additional Life Insurance policy on top of the one already offered. I was quick to jump on that because I figure what is $6 bucks out of every paycheck compared to the security I would leave behind for my family.

One coworker commented (in a joking way, but half serious way) that he doesn’t need life insurance because he doesn’t plan on dying any day soon. Obviously death is not real to him yet. It sparked a bit of a debate where I realized I was the only one involved who was taking advantage of the life insurance. No one else felt it was needed.

I know what it was like for my Dad to end up with $200,000 worth of medical bills after my mom died. Luckily I was able to make phone calls and get most of it taken care of for him. I don’t want that for my family. I don’t want Mike to be stuck with tons and tons of medical bills or debt from me. I also don’t want for him to lose the house in the midst of his grief because he no longer as my income going towards it. I would rather him not have that added stress, and be able to pay off a big chunk of the house, or be able to pay off my medical bills and pay the funeral costs out of money provided from me. I want to make sure that if I had to leave him, that I wouldn’t leave him with extra stress and worry than what he would already be dealing with. I want to know that he is ok.

Death is a hard thing to think about. It is hard to believe it could happen to you until you actually have it happen. It is hard to think of a loved one going away, but it is also hard to think of your family trying to fill the gap emotionally and financially without you there. I realize that they would never fully be able to fill the emotional gap, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t ensure they are able to fill the financial gap. Anything I can do to make things a little less difficult, I am determined to do. I want to know that they will be ok when I go. If it takes $6 out of every paycheck, so be it!

In Limbo

It's coming up on that one day a year where I now feel completely in limbo. In fact, I had not even thought about it coming so soon until a coworker unknowingly handed me a flier for gift baskets she is selling and told me it would be a nice gift for my mother. I have to admit I was rather proud of myself for waiting until she walked away, and then calmly putting the flier in the garbage can. I know she didn't mean any harm, and had no idea that the idea of a scentsy gift basket sitting on my mothers headstone would be a bit odd.

I stayed calm about it all and really didn't let myself think about it, but the damage had been done. I had a bit of a break down last night. I was talking to Mike about Mothers Day and he put my feelings into words better than I could. He suggested maybe I feel in Limbo. So true. I guess I feel like Mothers day doesn't hold much meaning for me. It has become a day that I basically just have to struggle to survive with emotions intact.

You see, I don't have my mother here to shower with gifts. Nor do I have any children to shower me with gifts. Therefore, I feel like I am stuck in limbo. So Mothers Day for me is a reminder that I don't have the option to give my mom a big hug and tell her how much I love her. Nor do I have the chance to receive hand-made Mothers Day cards from my little offspring accompanied by a coupon book of free child labor and a hug. So I guess right now, Mothers day is as painful for me as Valentines day is for singles. I know that someday it will change, and I wont feel in limbo anymore, but who knows when that will be.

Easter is another holiday that I am not a huge fan of. I think I was 13 when my parents decided everyone was grown enough to not need to celebrate anymore. So then it went from Easter baskets and Easter egg hunts to a bag of chocolate they would give me on Easter. Easter is a kids holiday, therefore, it really does not hold much meaning for me at the time being. So tomorrow will be just another day.

Anyways.... sorry for the downer post, but it does help to get my feelings out. I have hope that someday I will be able to find the joy in these holidays again, but for now...I just have to focus on surviving without having a massive cry fest.

A Dream with a Message

Do you ever have dreams that have a real strong message behind them? I had one of those last night… It is the type of dream that you wake up feeling good about yourself, and about life. It makes it even better when you wake up to an uplifting song.

I dreamt that I was at the Mall with Cassie. I am not a big shopper so I got bored pretty quickly. I told her to continue shopping, and I sat down in a courtyard of sorts with a ton of benches and seats. I ended up sitting by a middle aged man. We struck up conversation and somehow got on the conversation of death. He had recently lost his wife. I told him I had recently lost my mom. We ended up just chatting about grief and loss and what we were going through. Through the course of our conversation, more and more people overheard and came over to join us in talking about the loss of their loved one. By the end of the dream there was a big group of us talking about our loss. It was amazing to see how many other people had lost someone close. I would not have thought so many people around me were going through what I was going through. It was nice being able to connect with these people on discuss what we were going through.

It makes me glad that I volunteer at The Sharing Place. It really is neat being able to meet with people that I can relate to, and listening to them discuss their lives and how they are handling things. I think it is good to be open about death and to be able to lean on each other. It makes me want to be more open about the loss of my mom with people, because you never know who you can help, or who can help you by talking about loss.

Anyways, to top off the dream…. I woke up to the song “The Answer Lies Within” by Dream Theater. The line of the song I woke up to (which is my favorite part of the whole song) goes, “You’ve got the future on your side. Your gonna be fine now. I know whatever you decide, You’re gonna shine.”

Then the next time my alarm went off… it was playing my moms song. “If You Sleep” by Tal Bachman. I cannot listen to that song without thinking of my mom. So it kinda validated everything. Oh and the on the way to work I heard the song “ You Are Beautiful” by Christina Agulaira. So my morning started out good!

I guess I can really understand the value of group therapy and group meetings. Just being able to talk freely among other people that understand, is so powerful, and does so much in the way of healing. We have the power to help heal other people by even just sitting and listening to them, and letting them know we understand, or that we have the same emotions. It seems people are so afraid to let their true selves shine, but that only makes them unapproachable, and may hinder their own progression.

It makes me think about the whole infertility deal. I know there is a free group that meets I think once or twice a month. I am tempted to look into it. I think it would be very valuable to me to be able to be surrounded by people that understand what I am going through. I know it would help me to feel not so alone.

Anyways… people are valuable. You never know what you could learn by the person sitting next to you on the bus, or how you might help them in return. So I guess overall… maybe I should strive to not be so shy, and to talk to strangers more (although not in dark alleys or parks with lots of bushes and trees). I feel like I have a lot to learn from people around me, and I can only hope that in the process I could help someone else with their problems as well.

More Rocks

I started some more rocks. Going along with my decision to try to paint a bunch of rocks to sell... I decided that when I paint them, I will do 3 or more at one time. I figure it will be faster in the fact that I can work on another rock while letting the first one dry. Since I did three dogs last time, I decided to do three Kitty's this time. So I am working on a Siamese, Calico, and Persian kitty. So we will see how they turn out. This is where I do my painting at. Yes, I do sit on a yoga ball when I am painting, or i sit on it when on my computer. It is a pretty messy workspace when I am painting, but it works. Oh and notice the three running bibs on the wall? Those are mine! It totally blows my mind that they are mind. I still can't believe I ran two half marathons last year, along with two 10k's and a 5k. I feel like I am so far from that now since I have not run since doing the Moab Other Half - Half Marathon in October. I am going to start running again this week though. I am not really into racing though so I don't think I will be doing any races this year. I just want to get back into doing the morning runs. I need to do something since I have gained a lot of weight back during these winter months.

anyways.... this is what I got done on the rocks on Saturday. I worked on these while Mike was out in the garage working on my car. Check out the progress he made at http://www.melissasmustang.blogspot.com

Anyways I worked on the rocks again tonight. So far the Calico is the furthest along and is my favorite. I hope to get this done soon. I plan to give one of them (not sure which one) as a Christmas gift, but the other two I want to sell. So if anyone is interested, let me know. I also would be willing to paint any other type of animal if someone requested it.

So far I suck at getting an inventory of rocks because I keep giving them away as gifts. Out of the three dogs I did, two of them are gifts, and the other one I don't like so I had to put it away for a few months so I can look at it with fresh eyes in a few months and decide where to go with it.

As soon as these rocks are done, I will post pictures. I love that I have pictures of all my rocks I have done (but one). Its fun to be able to look back at them and see how much they have improved since I first started. Painting is a lot of fun as well. It is very calming for me. So I am glad I found a fun hobby that is so relaxing for me.

Daphne

This is the Dalmatian rock I did. I gave it to my sister-in-law Heather. She has a dog that is a Dalmatian mix. I didn't have a picture of her dog Daphne to go off of, so I figured just a plain ol Dalmatian would do. So this is how it turned out. I think it turned out pretty cute. She seemed to like it as well. So I was determined that I would paint a whole bunch of rocks so I could set up a booth and sell them, but I keep giving them away. I painted three dogs at once, one of them I got frustrated with how it turned out and have yet to finish it. The other two I decided I would give away. The Dalmatian being one of them. So at this rate I will never have a stock pile. Its ok though. I rather enjoy painting them, and its so rewarding when I actually like how they turn out.

5 years...so many changes!

Mike and I just celebrated our 5 year anniversary of our first date (April Fools day 2006). It kinda makes me reflect back to 5 years ago and where I was at in life. It is crazy how much life has changed since then. I sure did a lot of growing up.

Prior to meeting Mike, my life really was not going anywhere. You see... I had some baggage that I really had a hard time completely letting go of. Even though that baggage had hurt me numerous times, I was too afraid to let go. Going on that first date with Mike really showed me that there were really decent men out there that I could get along with. It was the force that finally calmed my nerves enough to for me to finally let go of the past, and move on with the future.

It is crazy to think back to what I was. Its almost like my past was a different life entirely, and that it was lived by someone else. I was so miserable, and felt so stuck. Mike in a sense helped set me free. We were both coming out of a long relationship and were able to help each other move on from the past, and to heal. We were (and still are) best friends. We could (and still can) talk about anything and everything.

I am just so grateful for my life. I know I have my down times with the infertility stuff, and missing my mom, but I have so much to be thankful for. I am married to my best friend that I get to spend the rest of my life with. We also have a cute little house, and a cute little animal-family. We have had the chance to experience so many neat things, like a trip to Europe in 2007, and Boston in April 2010 when Mike ran the Boston Marathon. We also both share a love for Montana and have been able to go to Yellowstone every year, and the North Fork a few times. We have had a lot of fun.

Sometimes I get so worked up about the infertility stuff, and feeling sorry for myself because I have to go through it without my Mom. I need to make more of a point of stopping and counting my blessings, and realizing how far I have come in life. I know we do have our challenges, and we have many more challenges to face.... but at least I have my best friend by my side. I feel like together, we can take on the world.