It is crazy how soon I will be doing IVF. It is also very scary at the same time. I am still waiting for the clinic to send me my calendar, but that should come in soon. I also should be getting the meds tomorrow. The 16th of November I will go in for the little training meeting, where they will teach me how to give myself the shots. The 18th is when I will start injections. I still have a couple weeks before I get to the injections, but things are starting to happen fast.
It is very odd when Mike and I talk about next year. We are hesitant to make plans because who knows where we will be next year. I could be pregnant, or we could be doing a frozen embryo transfer… or some other treatment. I am trying to be optimistic, but I also don't want to get my hopes up… which would leave me further to fall if the IVF doesn't work. It is hard to know how optimistic to let myself be. Yesterday we talked about Mike running the Wasatch 100 Miler (Yes, he is very crazy and is very aware of that) in September. If this IVF works, then I will be like 8 months pregnant. I have no idea what it will be like to be that far along, so I don't know if I would be able to handle being in the support vehicle the whole time he is out. I would like to, but who knows what will happen. I also have no idea if I might end up on bed rest for some reason. There are so many different factors to consider. So it is hard not being able to make concrete plans, but at the same time we don't want to cancel plans because there is always the chance I will still not be pregnant at that time.
So where is a happy medium? I know there is power in positive thinking so I need to keep positive that it will happen…. But at the same time I am scared to let myself really believe it will happen because then it will hurt more if it doesn't happen. So I am very torn in this regard. I find myself wondering how it will be to have a child. I also find myself wondering if I will be any good at taking care of a newborn. The last few nights I have been up very often with the dog (whom is sick). I am exhausted today and rather on the grumpy side. In fact, I am so grumpy that I purposely left the Halloween Candy at home even though they will be doing trick or treating around the office today. I just didn't want to deal with it! So if I am like this only have 3 or 4 days with no sleep… then how am I going to be after weeks of no sleep? How am I going to handle this? How is this going to affect my marriage seeing as I am sure I am not very pleasant for Mike to be around today? There are just so many uncertainties.
All in all I really hope this works. It would be incredible to bring home a baby that Mike and I together created. I am trying to let myself get use to the idea and trying to let myself believe it will happen. I will be really happy once I get past the IVF and the dreaded two week wait. I want to be to the point where I know if it happened and where I have a plan for the future and some sort of idea as to what to expect. If I wasn't a fan of Thanksgiving and Christmas… then I would love to skip ahead to that point, but I will just have to take it one day at a time!
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