So I am not okay. I know it has been six months, but I still hurt. I know it seems like I should be healing but that's not the case. Everyone says it gets better with time, but I am struggling worse now than I was 5 months ago. I can no longer tell myself my Mom is in St. George and I just haven't seen her for awhile. I finally have to really face reality.
I am embarrassed to admit it, but I started counseling last week. I go for my second session next Wednesday. I think I need it. Mothers day really tore me apart and was too much to handle. I don't know how to deal with things sometimes. I feel like if I was a high school student.... I would have gone from a straight "A" student to failing. I can hardly even handle my job anymore. It is too stressful and sometimes about kills me. I just can't concentrate like I use to be able to. I am feeling a little lost.
I hope counseling helps. I hope it keeps me from having panic attacks, or just up and quiting my job, which I cannot financially do. Everything changed when she died and I just don't know how to handle things anymore. It was hard for me to swallow my pride and start counseling. I didn't want to admit that I might be off my rocker a little bit. I finally realized that it might be the only way I am going to get thru this all.
I have totally changed my focus. I am now spending all my time focusing and training for the Half Marathon in October... or reading a super long book series. It is nice keeping my mind elsewhere and being able to focus on other things. I just worry that by doing that, I am not grieving like I should. What is the normal way to grieve, and is there really a normal way? Until I can figure it out, I guess I am going to keep my focus on other running and books... until I learn how to cope otherwise.
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12 years ago
2 comments:
Grieving is different for everyone. I tend to joke as does my family and just tell stories about the fun and special times we had with them. Travis(when he lost his brother) started running to get out his frustration, pain and to help him deal with how mad he was at the guy who killed him. He said he was embarrassed some days because he would loose it while he was running. But I think its normal for everyone to go threw it completely different. You have to remember we are all individuals whats good for me might not be the same for you.
I hope things get better for you.
I don't think there is a normal way to grieve either. It affects everyone differently and everyone will need a different amount of time to heal.
I think it is fantastic that you can run so much and LONG!!! Go Missy. I can honestly say I wish that was me!
I think counseling will be good for you. And no need to be embarrassed.
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