I miss her...

Losing a mother I decided has to be one of the hardest things a person can go thru. I honestly don't know how people can survive this. When I sit and think about her and how much I miss her... I feel like its too much to handle. I have no idea how I am going to make it without her. She meant so much to me and I need her.

Thanksgiving was hard. It hit me that night after all the festivities were done. I figured that putting up the Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving would help. We spent most of the evening last night getting the tree up and the house decorated. It was good for keeping my mind off things.

Today was really hard. I feel like I need projects to keep myself busy so I don't dwell on it. I am out of ideas for projects. I went to Linda's house hoping I would stay busy there. I ended up sitting around doing nothing. I got depressed so I came home. I went to bed and told Mike I just wanted to sleep the rest of the day. I only managed a 4 hour nap before my body refused to keep sleeping. I was just hurting so bad today. I think today was one of the worst days I have had. Every time I would come in the living room and see the trees and decorations, I just wanted to rip them all down and put them back away. I get no pleasure from the tree. If anything it depresses me more. The holidays mean nothing to me now. I feel like I have nothing to celebrate.

I have started playing the piano again. I played it a lot when I first got my piano but then hit a lull... where I didn't play it so much. Now I play it usually once a day. I need it. It is a way to get my emotions out thru each key that I hit, and each song that I play. I like to play the songs I know really well because I don't have to focus on the notes. I can play from memory and think of other things. Sometimes I can just sit and stare at the picture of my mom while I play. Being able to sit and play the piano is really good therapy. This is my little Shrine I have sitting on my piano. The doily is one she made for me and gave to me as a wedding gift last year.

I really miss her. It is so hard knowing I can't call her up with a question... or to be able to call and vent to her. I did a little craft project I finished yesterday and my first thoughts were to send a pic text to my mom. I always loved showing her my craft projects and different things I did. She always made me feel like it was the best in the world. I miss her so much. It is hard thinking about her being gone. I honestly have no idea how I am going to survive without her. I can't imagine my life without her.

I guess I should post about my craft project. I made little Christmas trees out of tomatoe plant rings. I grabbed three small rings and one big ring from the garden. I wraped them with a strand of white lights and then wrapped tinsel around that. I then added some ornamants.