So I have been spending a fair amount of time in Denial Land (as Kelly would call it). It is just so easy to pretend that my mom is still alive and just in St George... and that I just haven't seen her or talked to her for awhile. I feel guilty being in denial land... but I don't feel like I have much control. During the week I work and then come home and work on a project so I don't have much time to think about it. The weekend is when it gets me.
I was feeling guilty for being in denial. Mike pointed out that I am not as much in denial as I think. I may not think about it and may not cry about it all the time... but I have my moments. I really do. Sometimes I will be sitting there at work and it hits me. Like tonight I was sitting reading a book and it hit me. It always takes my breath away when I think of her gone. I honestly feel like I can't breath. Then come the waterworks.
Sometimes I will keep thinking about the day she died and I can't get the memories out of my head. That's the hardest part for me. Hearing that I was too late was the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I can still remember the feeling and dropping to the floor and just bawling hysterically. I hate thinking of getting to St George that night and my dad standing in the doorway crying. I just hugged him and cried... then went and cried with my grandma. I will never forget that day. I can't think of that day without breaking down and crying. Sometimes those memories haunt me.
The nightmares I was having have stopped. I am glad. I am finally starting to get some decent sleep now. I think I am slowly starting to heal. There is going to be a lot more bad times and I am sure it will get worse before it gets better. The holidays are going to be hard. Thanksgiving just wont be the same without her. At least I have my family I get to be with.
I go visit my moms grave alot. I feel like its a good way for me to connect with her. It was sad the day I went and they had thrown away the beautiful arrangements from the graveside service. I felt so bad that her grave was so bare and I didn't bring her flowers. I made sure to take her some flowers this weekend. I took her some roses. They were not as gorgeous as all the arrangements she had at the graveside service... but at least her grave wasn't so bare. I wish they would keep the flowers there longer.
It is all still so crazy. Sometimes it blows my mind thinking about it all. Sometimes I get nervous when I go somewhere where I know I will end up being around people who haven't seen me since her death. I know they all want to offer their condolences... which I appreciate... but I dont know how to respond. I never know what to say to them and I am kinda getting tired of the condolences. Its just hard. I hate that I get so nervous talking to people now. I just wish I knew how to respond to people.
Life will be interesting. I am trying to find my new "normal" since my life will never be the old level of "Normal" I once knew. It is confusing and sometimes frustrating feeling like my world crumbled down around me. The thought of rebuilding is terrifying! I am glad that I have Mike with me. He is honestly my support. There is no way I could make it thru any of this without him. He gives me hope for the future and makes the task of rebuilding not quite so daunting. I honestly couldn't imagine going thru this without him.
Shows and Awards
13 years ago
1 comment:
It's all part of the healing process. When I was engaged my husband's mom passed away. She had gotten sick in August and died in September so it was kind of out of nowhere. That year was hard for everyone especially the holidays and not having her at the wedding. I know you probably have been told this, but it gets easier with time. Don't be in a hurry to feel a certain way. Some days you will be numb, other days you'll be angry. One day you may feel like not getting out of bed and the next day you'll be back to normal. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are a strength to those around you and are always in my prayers.
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