One of the comments I hear al ot from people is "I cant even imagine what you are going thru." I use to be like that. I couldn't imagine losing a parent. The thought of it about killed me. I don't mind when people make this comment. I am just glad that those making that comment don't have to experience what I am going thru.
This comment makes me realize that I cant even begin to explain to people what its like. I have so many different emotions surging thru me at any given time that its almost exhausting! One minute I am fine, the next minute I am a wreck. One minute I am in denial... the next minute it hits me full force, like being punched in the stomach (not that I have ever been punched in the stomach... but I think I have an idea what it might feel like). It is just crazy how many emotions one person can feel in a matter of minutes.
I have been kind of numb to things lately. Christmas music use to excite me but it does nothing for me now. I don't have the energy to do the things I use to do. Mike has pretty well taken over dishes and the such. I just don't have the motivation. I don't know when that motivation will be back.. if ever. I hate feeling numb. I hate that I have no excitement or drive in life. I almost feel dead to the world. None of the things that use to excite me really do much for me. All the things I was excited for prior to her passing, don't matter to me anymore.
Don't get me wrong... sometimes I am fine. Sometimes I feel optimistic and can find little projects that make me happy... temporarily. Cassie actually suggested a project that I am now putting all of my time into. Which by the way requires me to get memories people have of my mother. So feel free to post any memories. Think of it as your way of helping me to heal :-)
I kept just wanting to go to sleep to escape my thoughts for a while. Well sleeping isn't really working so well for me right now. I toss and turn al ot during the night and I have a lot of nightmares and dreams. Ever since getting back from St. George I have dreamt of my mom every night. Most nights I have nightmares about things happening to her body that I cannot stop. For example I keep dreaming of horrible things like her casket getting dropped down a flight of stairs on accident or things happening to her body and I am powerless to protect her. I think that stems from worrying about her being so cold in the ground covered in snow and not being able to keep her body warm... even though I know she is not connected to it anymore.
Last night wasn't such a horrible dream but it still wasn't pleasant. I dreamt her funeral and everything went wrong and half the family was late for it no matter how hard we tried to be on time things kept coming up making us later and later. Also last night I dreamt she was standing by my side of the bed adjusting the flat screen TV on the wall (which in reality is just a picture we have hanging there). In my dream I was kicking Mike trying to wake him up so he could see her before she vanished but he wouldn't wake up. In reality I was kneeing him in the back and mumbling in my sleep.
Anyways.... this is all new territory for me and my family. None of us would have thought we would be dealing with the loss of our mother so early. I don't really know what to expect... but right now things are just crazy. I just feel like I change moods so quickly and unexpectedly. I also have no idea when the dreams and nightmares will stop and when I get get a good nights rest again. I am doing what everyone keeps telling me... to take it one day at a time. I don't think I have any other option. It would be too overwhelming to not take it one day at a time. So hopefully things get better. Maybe someday soon the numbness will diminish and I will feel joy again thinking about Christmas and Thanksgiving.
P.S. I am sure this sounds dorky but today I wrote a letter to my future kids describing what their Grandma Bone was like. I wanted to make sure to get all the details and memories down on paper before they start to fade. Hopefully by this letter they will have a good understanding of the incredible grandmother they are descendants of.
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12 years ago
4 comments:
Truly your PS is not dorky at all. It is a great idea. I am going to have to get with Kris to wright something up like that. Yes my kids where lucky enof to have met her, but only Kaylie and maybe Kendra will have any memories of her. Even thow only a Son-in-Law, i know how much She meant to my family and my self. So would love to have my kids know what a great person she was.
(sorry for any misspelled words and gammer)
Although I lost my Dad at a younger age then you I can relate. I too had many restless nights and strange dreams. Mine were different, but haunting or disturbing as well. They did eventually taper off and eventually disappear.
It is hard and that is okay. It will be hard for awhile. But that pit/knot in the bottom of your stomach will go away, I promise. You will never be "over" it but it will get easier. It will get to a point where you can talk about her and remember the good times. The pain will lessen. But each person will take their own amount of time to heal. So don't let people tell you to get over and it and move on, to stop grieving. You will when you are ready.
I think what you are doing is an excellent idea on so many levels. It will help you heal tremendously, and be such a blessing to others in your family.
I will try to get something together to give to you.
She was (and is) a great person!
I think you're idea is great, and I also think years from now you will have been greatful not only for your kids, but yourself that you wrote that letter. Preserve those memories now while they are fresh. I wish I could say I feel your pain, and I wish I could make it better, but I can't. Healing is something you must do on your own, and it's not going to be a day, a week, it might possible be years. Just know there are many who love and care for you, and are here if you need us!!!
Your honesty is amazing. I haven't lost a parent yet but I have felt that way when life was at it's hardest. You are being so strong. Thank you for sharing what it's really like losing someone so close.
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