The 2nd Anniversary of the Worst Day of my Life!

November 9th, 2009 I can honestly say is the worst day of my life.  That is the day my mom passed away. Sometimes I get angry and feel like it is so unfair. I should still have her for at least 20 more years!  I should have her here with me taking care of me while I go through the craziness of IVF. I should have here there in the delivery room when I deliver my baby. My children should get to grow up knowing their grandma and eating M&M's at her house every time they go.  I would say I am not nearly as angry as I was, but more or less just sad.

I know she is still around me. I know that she will be here with me as I go through the crazy IVF stuff. I know that she will be in the delivery room helping my child through the birth process. I just wish that I could see her and know she is there. I know that my children already know her. I know she has been getting to know them and preparing them to come here. Maybe it is selfish of me to rather have her physically here with me than with my kids.

I dreamt of her last night. I haven't dreamed of her in awhile. I dreamt we were up the north fork and it was cold so we were snuggled up in blankets on the couch. My favorite part of the dream is knowing that even though I worry i will start to forget the little things in time.... none of it is forgotten when I dream. Her mannerisms... the things she would say... her joking tone of voice..the way she would say my name. It makes me feel better knowing it is all still there in my memory, perfectly preserved.

I really do miss her, but I know I will see her again. It comforts me knowing that when it's my time to go, she will be there to help me transition. I know she will still be around during all the major events in my life and I am grateful for that knowledge.

I just have to post the picture of the M&M tree we did for her last year at the festival of trees. It turned out better than I could have ever hoped. I LOVE it and can't stop looking at the pictures. I am so glad we did it and I know she loved it too!

You can shed tears that she is gone,

or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,

or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,

or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,

or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her only that she is gone,

or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind,

be empty and turn your back.

Or you can do what she'd want:

smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

---David Harkins