Crazy Hormones, Venting Session

I warned everyone that taking Clomid plays with my emotions. Today has been one of those not so fun days. Part of the frustrations I was having was my inability to maintain a decent body temperature. I was either too hot or too cold. I hate having the two extremes and switching between them. It drives me nuts! I haven't really had a good nights rest in awhile because I am constantly tossing the blankets off, or pulling them back on. Right now I am just feeling emotionally drained.

I have a very stressful job. I am lucky enough to get yelled at often for mistakes other people make. Sometimes I just get tired of being damage control. I see some of the stupidest mistakes made by billers and I get yelled at for it. There are so many things that could be done to save me a nasty call, but the billers don't seem to care. Just as long as they meet their quota. I also get tired of hearing people complain about their bills. You go to the ER, you have to pay the bill. I am sorry if the Dr was unable to perform a miracle on the spot and cure you of your illness, you still have to pay the bill. You can whine and complain all you want... but there will still be a bill!!

By the time I was done with work today, I was just totally drained. I didn't want to take another phone call. I am also a little worried. I applied for a job a few weeks ago that I really want. I will find out next week if i got it or not. I NEED this job. I feel like it is my only escape from the job I feel so trapped in. I have never felt so trapped in a job in my life! I know that if I don't get that job, it is going to kill me. I just wish they would decide so I don't have to live with the suspense. I hate not knowing what the future will bring.

I also don't know if I am emotionally ready to handle another round of trying to conceive. It is just so stressful. I am done with the Clomid part, but now I have to see if my body is actually going to work with me. Then comes the pregnancy test part. Each test takes such a toll emotionally. I hate the anticipation and then the heart break of finding it is negative. It is too much to bear sometimes. I just want this part to be done. I am almost thinking if this time doesn't work (which I don't think it will), then i will take a little break. I have another refill for clomid, but I might just need a break. It is just too hard to handle sometimes!

Mike is so good to me though. I feel bad putting him thru all of this. I am sure he is tired of me coming home from work depressed or grouchy. I would be tired of it. I am also sure he gets tired of hearing me complain about the unfairness of life and babies. I would be sick of it. Yet he still continues to be supportive in every way possible. He is always there when I need a shoulder to cry on, and he knows how to just sit and listen when I go on and on about how much I dislike my job. I couldn't imagine going thru this without Mike there as my support. Sometimes I have a hard time believing that he is really mine. I don't know how I got so lucky. He truly is the best husband ever!!