Hiding the Confusion

It's interesting how you can have a song that you have had on your Ipod for a long time, and even listened to it numerous times, but then one day the lyrics just pop for you. I found a song that is like that. Some of the lyrics of the song completely fit my life right now. It's funny because I never took notice of this song before. Maybe it just never fit into my life so well.

The Same Old Sun by The Alan Parsons Project. I will only post part of the lyrics that seem to most apply…

Tell me what to do
All the hopes and the dreams went wrong for me
There's a smile on my face
But I'm only pretending

Taking my life
One day at a time
Cause I can't think what else to do
Taking some time
To make up my mind
When there's no one to ask but you

Tell me what to do
Now there's nobody watching over me
If I seem to be calm
Well it's all an illusion
Tell me what to do
When the fear of the night comes over me
There's a smile on my face
Just to hide the confusion

I feel like I am in that mode… where I keep a smile on my face but it's to hide the confusion… that I am only pretending. I don't let myself think about the IVF when I can help it. I made Mike put the pictures of the embryos somewhere where I won't see it. I don't know if ignoring it is the healthy route or not, but I don't know what else to do. I really am just taking life one day at a time right now and figure that eventually I will be to the point where I will want to face the infertility head on. For now I am not ready, therefore the failed IVF never happened and the infertility is not a huge problem in my life. Or so I am trying to make myself believe. I just can't handle the thought of never being able to have kids. So I won't allow myself to think of it.

For the most part I am doing ok. I have my moments of insanity where I see a mother with her newborn and I want to grab the kid and run… but don't worry. I am not really psycho enough to do that. That fleeting thought of grabbing the baby and running is always followed by the thought of how much pain I would put the mother through. I could never cause anyone that much pain. So anyone who reads this that are pregnant or have babies… don't worry… I promise I won't steal them. I really have not completely lost my mind.

I will be ok though. I am really trying hard to focus on me and not the failed IVF or infertility. It's hard to not think about it since it was at the forefront of our minds for the last 3 years. So I have been getting out and working out as much as I can… and just trying to eat healthier. I am not going on a full out diet by any means… but just trying to be healthier than I have been in the past. Also Mike and I have tried to be more active and do more things together. So that has been nice.

So for the time being, I am living life one day at a time… and keeping a smile on my face to hide the confusion and fear. I know the topic of infertility is not something people really know how to approach or talk about with me, and I understand that. I would have no idea what to say to someone going through this. In a fact, I am almost glad that most people haven't brought up the subject. It makes it easier for me to ignore and pretend it never happened. So one day at a time it is… until I somehow get to a point where I can face thinking of the future without all the fear involved. Hopefully I get to that place pretty soon.

A Year for Me (and of course Mike)!

We just had the consultation with the doctor to go over the failed IVF round. They went in planning on my body to respond to the meds like normal PCOS patients, but apparently my body doesn't follow those rules. It does its own thing altogether!  So next round they want to do using only Clomid and Menopur... which means a lot less  needles... but a lot more psychotic moments. Clomid really makes me psychotic.  Plus they will also give me a discount on a 2nd attempt. The doctor said everything looked great and hormone levels were great for implantation to occur. It just didn't.  Anyways he offered a discount for a 2nd attempt but financially we are not to the point of being able to afford another attempt. Plus we both emotionally need the break.

So I have decided that this year is a year for me. I gave the doctors full control of my body and pumped it full of crazy meds and hormones. I am taking back control of my body. I have almost been obsessive lately about eating right and exercising.  I am not going to really focus on weight loss per say... but just getting healthy foods in my body and getting rid of all the meds and crazy hormones. I figure if I lose weight.. then that will just be an added bonus. Plus I am not going to take any unnecessary meds and will just let my body do whatever it wants in the reproductive arena.  I just want to give my poor body a break and nurse it back to  health. Doing IVF really takes a toll emotionally and physically... and of course financially. So I want to be in a better place emotionally and I don't feel like I can do that if I am constantly thinking and fretting over infertility. So as of today infertility is going on the back burner.

My goals for this year is to get healthy. I am starting that by working out when I can. I actually am starting to go to work early in the mornings and work out in the gym in the building. It is nice! No one is there in the mornings so I have the whole gym to myself. Then I just shower and walk upstairs to and go to work. Its great!  I am also starting a 7 day juice detox tomorrow. I want to flush out any remnants of crazy hormones or meds.  then I just plan on eating healthy and just trying to get out and exercise when I can. I am not planning on getting back into running though. It really is not my cup of tea. I want to do a variety of activities instead of just running morning after morning. I will leave the running to Mike.

I also want to have fun. I told Mike every weekend we have to do at least one extra curricular activity together... whether it be camping in the summer.. or hitting the Jordan River Parkway, or even mountain biking. I just want to be more active. I also hope to get some awesome vacations in there which will start with the Tuacahn Car show in April. I am still hoping my car will be done in time for that. Especially since I just registered for it.

I am not going to let this be a bummer year. I am really going to focus on me and on Mike and just enjoying our freedom. Maybe next year we will try IVF again, but until then, it won't even be anything I will think about. So from this point on... life will be all about Mike and I and just having fun.

Hiding From the World

I have never hidden from the world before now. It is an interesting experience not feeling like I can be around people. Wednesday I was working from home and just signed off for the day after getting the bad news. I felt I had to at least do a facebook and blog post letting people know IVF failed. I know I had made the choice to be totally open about the IVF experience and people were going to be curious. I didn't want to have text after text come in with people asking if I was pregnant. So I figured a quick facebook and blog post would answer that questions for everyone. I also sent a text to my close family and friends saying it was negative and please no phone calls because I couldn't handle talking to people.   I was hoping that didn't come out mean,  but I knew I would not be able to talk.

The supportive text msgs and responses to facebook were overwhelming. I pretty much ignored text msgs and phone calls on Wednesday. Mike had come home from work immediately after I called him with the negative results. My dad came home shortly after that, after finishing the ceiling at Mike's parents house. It was nice having him there. It really helped. Once I was able to stop crying and get rid of some of the puffiness under my eyes... we decided to go to Cracker Barrel for lunch just to get out of the house.  Mike and I even did some shopping with gift cards. I was just trying to keep myself from thinking.

Thursday I took the day off work. I just wanted to sleep all day and did not want to face the world. Also the thought of talking to people on the phone all day trying to sound cheery and like everything was great, did not appeal to me. So I spent most of Thursday sleeping and lounging. Thursday night Mike and I wandered out a bit to get me out of the house. I was fine to be out and about and see people, as long as they were strangers that knew nothing about me. The thought of seeing people that know me and would ask how I was doing, was what I needed to avoid. I did text a couple people during the day on Thursday, and even talked to my dad over the phone.

Friday I worked from home. It was nice being at home and not having to face my coworkers. Although I talked to them through Instang Messaging. It's much easier talking to people when it's not face to face. Also did more shopping with gift cards with Mike. So I wasn't shut up in the house the entire day.

Today Mike ran a marathon distance around the Olympic Oval track. so I spent 4 hours on the bleachers entertaining myself by reading and listening to my Ipod. I did talk to Stefan (Mike's friend) face to face, but luckily he didn't say anything about the IVF. I probably would have cried if he did. Mike hasn't been feeling too good since that run so I have just been lounging at home. I was invited to go play games tonight with my family, but I am not sure I can face them yet. Although I did promise them I would come for dinner tomorrow night.

It's just hard. I have never not been able to face people. Even when my mom died, I didn't hide from the world. The thought of seeing people I know and dreading them asking about the IVF or how I am doing, just petrifies me. I guess I am not okay yet. I still cry a lot and still really hurt. In fact, this whole New Years thing is not fun! I have never really been a fan of New Years anyways. My history includes way too many sad ones. I think the hardest part is I am not excited for 2012. I know that we will not have funding to do another round of IVF for a couple years yet so 2012 does not hold the possibility of a baby for me. I would honestly be perfectly fine skipping head to maybe 2015 (when the IVF loan is paid off and we could financially handle another round of IVF).

I am just having problems adjusting. The last couple of years have been really focused on infertility and trying to have a baby. All of that has come to a screeching halt.  So I now have to figure out something to fill my mind and time. Something else to worry about. I just don't even know how to not think of infertility. So this will be a hard adjustment for me. Unfortunately it is an adjustment that must be made. So 2011 wasn't the best year (odd numbered years never are for me).... but I don't really have high hopes for 2012 either. Sucks to start out a new year like this, but what can ya do!