Hiding From the World

I have never hidden from the world before now. It is an interesting experience not feeling like I can be around people. Wednesday I was working from home and just signed off for the day after getting the bad news. I felt I had to at least do a facebook and blog post letting people know IVF failed. I know I had made the choice to be totally open about the IVF experience and people were going to be curious. I didn't want to have text after text come in with people asking if I was pregnant. So I figured a quick facebook and blog post would answer that questions for everyone. I also sent a text to my close family and friends saying it was negative and please no phone calls because I couldn't handle talking to people.   I was hoping that didn't come out mean,  but I knew I would not be able to talk.

The supportive text msgs and responses to facebook were overwhelming. I pretty much ignored text msgs and phone calls on Wednesday. Mike had come home from work immediately after I called him with the negative results. My dad came home shortly after that, after finishing the ceiling at Mike's parents house. It was nice having him there. It really helped. Once I was able to stop crying and get rid of some of the puffiness under my eyes... we decided to go to Cracker Barrel for lunch just to get out of the house.  Mike and I even did some shopping with gift cards. I was just trying to keep myself from thinking.

Thursday I took the day off work. I just wanted to sleep all day and did not want to face the world. Also the thought of talking to people on the phone all day trying to sound cheery and like everything was great, did not appeal to me. So I spent most of Thursday sleeping and lounging. Thursday night Mike and I wandered out a bit to get me out of the house. I was fine to be out and about and see people, as long as they were strangers that knew nothing about me. The thought of seeing people that know me and would ask how I was doing, was what I needed to avoid. I did text a couple people during the day on Thursday, and even talked to my dad over the phone.

Friday I worked from home. It was nice being at home and not having to face my coworkers. Although I talked to them through Instang Messaging. It's much easier talking to people when it's not face to face. Also did more shopping with gift cards with Mike. So I wasn't shut up in the house the entire day.

Today Mike ran a marathon distance around the Olympic Oval track. so I spent 4 hours on the bleachers entertaining myself by reading and listening to my Ipod. I did talk to Stefan (Mike's friend) face to face, but luckily he didn't say anything about the IVF. I probably would have cried if he did. Mike hasn't been feeling too good since that run so I have just been lounging at home. I was invited to go play games tonight with my family, but I am not sure I can face them yet. Although I did promise them I would come for dinner tomorrow night.

It's just hard. I have never not been able to face people. Even when my mom died, I didn't hide from the world. The thought of seeing people I know and dreading them asking about the IVF or how I am doing, just petrifies me. I guess I am not okay yet. I still cry a lot and still really hurt. In fact, this whole New Years thing is not fun! I have never really been a fan of New Years anyways. My history includes way too many sad ones. I think the hardest part is I am not excited for 2012. I know that we will not have funding to do another round of IVF for a couple years yet so 2012 does not hold the possibility of a baby for me. I would honestly be perfectly fine skipping head to maybe 2015 (when the IVF loan is paid off and we could financially handle another round of IVF).

I am just having problems adjusting. The last couple of years have been really focused on infertility and trying to have a baby. All of that has come to a screeching halt.  So I now have to figure out something to fill my mind and time. Something else to worry about. I just don't even know how to not think of infertility. So this will be a hard adjustment for me. Unfortunately it is an adjustment that must be made. So 2011 wasn't the best year (odd numbered years never are for me).... but I don't really have high hopes for 2012 either. Sucks to start out a new year like this, but what can ya do!

Mourning The Child I May Never Have

I got my pregnancy test results today. It came back negative. I am not pregnant. This IVF round failed. The two embryos I have pictures of didn't implant, didn't survive. I really had hoped that at least one of them would take. They were both such high quality embryos. To say I am devastated would be an understatement.

We have no plan B. We were unable to have any extra embryos to freeze. So that means that all of the shots I had to get, all of the blood draws, all the medications I have been on were all in vain. The best part is we still get to pay $300 a month towards this IVF loan for the next 5 years with nothing to show for it.

It hurts, and I am frustrated. I honestly don't understand why we cannot have children. Why does God allow crack heads and 16 year olds to have children, but not us? It doesn't make sense. I don't think I will ever understand.

So right now I am hiding from the world. There is nothing else I can do. We can't afford another round, so I guess we are sitting on the sidelines for awhile. I really need to just try to come to terms that we may have a childless life, but I have a really hard time accepting that. IVF was our best but also our last hope. It is really disappointing that it didn't work out. Even more disappointing that we didn't even have extra embryos to try again. I would say we are back to square one, but we are further back than that. We still have the debt.

Anyways I knew people would be anxious to know how it turned out. So I figured I better update everyone. I am feeling like I really don't want to face people today and want to hide from everyone and everything. I hurt. I am crushed, and I feel like my heart is torn in two. It honestly feels like somebody died today. My dreams of holding my newborn child, that Mike and I created have been torn into shreds. I really thought it was my turn to have a child. I guess that just may never happen, and I really need to come to terms with that.

No Plan B - But I Am Okay

Well.... we no longer have a plan B. We had 4 embryos, 2 of which they transferred and the other two we were hoping to freeze. Unfortunately, the other two did not make it to be frozen. So that just means I don't have them as my safety net to fall back on if this IVF round doesn't work.   I kind of saw that coming though. I had talked to the Doctor yesterday and he had told me that on day 3 they were only 2 and 4 cell... So I knew there wasn't much chance for them to make it to blastocyst stage (which is where they have to be to be able to be frozen).  So when I talked to the doctor today, I was pretty well expecting to find out they didn't make it. I was hoping they had, but no such luck.   I didn't cry though like I thought I would.

I figured I had two options at that point. I could either be horribly upset that plan B didn't survive... and start worrying about coming up with a new plan B, or I could focus on our plan A which we are currently working on. It seemed stupid to worry about what we will do if this round of IVF fails since in a way that would be like accepting that it isn't going to work. I need to be positive and just focus on the embryos growing inside me.

The Doctor was very nice chatting with me about things. He said I need to not worry about the embryos that they couldn't freeze. He reminded me the ones they transferred were really good quality and he really thinks we have a good chance of me being pregnant. Also he advised me to stop reading things on the Internet because it will only make me worry. So no more googling IVF. I am just going to avoid that and just try to stay positive while I brave the two week wait.

Even if I am not pregnant, and this IVF fails... I am still going to be so grateful for some of the experiences I have had going through all of this. This is the closest I have ever been to pregnant. I can't even explain how incredible  it was on transfer day to see the pictures of the embryos and know that they were half me, half Mike. It just blows my mind seeing what we created (even if they don't turn into babies... we still combined genetically and created 10cell  and 12 cell clusters). I am pretty impressed with that! I know for Mike it was seeing them wheel in this full size baby incubator with a little petrie dish, knowing that our potential children were in there. It was also neat right after the transfer laying there feeling my abdomen knowing they were in there.

I have hope that this IVF will be successful and we will finally be able to have a baby.. or two. IVF has been such an incredibly hard thing to go through. There are so many emotional up's and down's, and lots of needles and tests and unpleasantness. There is also the opportunity and chance to see and understand all that goes into creating babies. Seriously with everything that has to line up right to get pregnant... I am surprised people get pregnant so easily. I really have a strong understanding of my body now and how things work (or don't work in my case). I think the best part.... is how many people have baby pictures of their children before they were even babies...when they were only a cluster of cells? I love having the picture. I hung it on the fridge and love to just stare at in wonder. It just really makes me appreciate life and how precious it is.