The Fog starts Rolling in

It is coming. I can feel the fog starting to slowly roll in. It has been two years, but that hasn't lessened the pain. I didn't think the 2^nd anniversary would be like this. I thought it would be easier. Maybe when it comes down to it, it won't be as bad, but I can already feel that feeling of dread, the darkness slowly engulfing me and we are still more than 2 months away from the actual two year anniversary.

I think what is causing it, is the fact that I will be going to St George tonight. Mike will be running the St. George Marathon on Saturday, which was when it all began two years ago. That was when my dad took my mom to the ER, when they rushed her in for exploratory surgery, when they found the tumor. We had no idea at that time that it was cancerous. I remember standing in the waiting room with my dad and the Doctor telling us nothing about the tumor looked cancerous, and that my mom was going to be fine. We had no idea that her time was quickly winding down.

I feel bad that I now associate the St. George Marathon with losing my mom. That marathon in 2009 was such a bitter sweet day. Mike finally qualified for Boston, something he had been working towards. I feel bad his victorious day also marked the beginning of the end for my mom. I feel bad that every year since it has been so hard emotionally to go to the marathon.

I think one of the biggest things I am dreading is getting to St George and walking up to the front door of my parents house. It always causes me to flash back to the day my mom died. Mike and I were the first ones to get to St. George. I will never forget walking up to the front door and my dad standing there crying. It is one of the things that I will never forget. It always brings me to tears thinking it. In fact, even writing about it has brought me to tears.

Either way this year is going to be interesting. I already feel that it will be an emotional few months, but it is going to interesting when I start the IVF meds that are suppose to make me VERY emotional. I guess IVF at this time of year wasn't the best idea, but I was not about to push back the IVF because it happened to fall at the most inopportune time of the year.

I already know I will cry when I get to St George tonight and experience being at that house without my mom there. Then I will go to bed and wake up in the morning and be ok. I am determined to keep myself busy while down there and try not to think about it. I really hope I can look thru pictures and find old pictures of my Mustang, so that is my main focus…. And of course being there for Mike and watching him cross the finish line of the marathon. I have been so excited for this trip, but I guess I didn't realize how hard it is going to be at the same time. A vacation is a vacation and I am going to try my best to pull myself out of the fog enough to enjoy it.

I Want my Mom!

After the last Infertility support group I went to, I was told that during the whole IVF stuff, I am really going to need and want someone to take care of me. Especially after the Egg Retrieval. I have been told that I probably won't really be able to walk very far for a couple of days afterwards. It was suggested that if there are any friends or family that would be willing to bring food or just help out, that it would be good to get that all lined up. It made me sit and think about it. I honestly don't know who I would even feel comfortable asking for help. It also makes me sad because I know there is nothing I would love more than for my mom to come take care of me for a few days. I know that if she were still here, she would do it in a heartbeat.

I am really trying to keep the whole infertility things separate from mourning my mom, but it is hard. In my mind it goes hand in hand. I feel like everyone is so busy in their own lives and It hurts that no one in my family can take the time to call me and ask how I am doing during all this craziness. I realize that my family is uncomfortable with the conversation and with the whole topic, and I would probably be the same way if I was talking to someone about an uncomfortable topic that I could not relate to. It just makes it hard though. I find myself thinking that if my mom were still here… she would be calling me to check up on me and just ask how I am feeling. I feel like now is a time that I could really use my mom. It makes it extremely scary facing IVF without her there to support me and tell me that it is all going to be fine.

It scares me thinking that I may be so vulnerable and may really need some help during the IVF stuff. Mike already said he will take care of dinner after the egg retrieval and transfer, which will be great. I just wonder how it will be during the day when he is at work. I also have no idea how bad it really is going to be. Maybe I will be just fine, or maybe it will be as bad as I have been told it is. Maybe I will need someone to help me with meals. Maybe I will need someone to help keep me occupied and keep my mind off any pain associated with the procedure. I also know that it will be high stress in the days between the egg retrieval and transfer, as well as during the Two Week Wait. I have to find some way to entertain myself and keep myself from sitting and stressing about it all. It all just sounds so overwhelming to me.

My dad has been great. I know he is very uncomfortable with the infertility topic and doesn't really know what to say, but at least he tries. I asked if he would possibly be willing to be in town during all the IVF stuff since I will have Dr Appointments in Provo every other day for a couple weeks. Mike will not be able to get that much time off work so I will need someone to drive me to my appointments. My dad said he is more than willing to help out. It will be a big stress relief having someone else take me to appointments versus me trying to drive to Provo on my own in the snow. I am sure my dad will also be willing to help out in any way he can. I know it won't be the same as having my mom with me, but I am glad I still have my dad in my life. I don't know what I would do without him.

I am tired of waiting!

I am at my wits end. I am tired of waiting. I found this place to go thru IVF that was cheaper and had a higher success rate. I was so excited (although terrified) to actually be moving forward with the infertility and taking the big step of IVF. I knew that it was going to be a bit of a wait to actually do the IVF, but it is just getting ridiculous!

I called and talked to the Dr office today. I was told to call the end of September. Well It seems like things are just getting pushed back. So now I have to do another month of Birth Control and then call them in the middle of October so they can get things scheduled and planned from there. I wont even be starting the stimulating drugs until Thanksgiving! Therefore IVF wont actually be until the beginning to middle of December. It just seems so far away. I cant even imagine another month of just sitting around waiting. I feel like I am sitting in one place not taking any steps forward. It is just tough.

Combine that with a VERY stressful day at work, and the fact that I am hungry but too lazy to look thru the cupboards and find food... and you have one grumpy Melissa. So I am just going to lounge in my PJ's and watch Teen Mom. I would totally pull out the ice cream or chocolate if I had any but no luck there.

Either way I am hoping I can somehow make it thru this next month rather quickly. I have a couple vacations coming up so hopefully that will help the time pass quickly. I just don't want to wait anymore. Part of me sits and thinks if I would have just gone thru the U then I would not have to wait so long to do IVF, but I really felt the place I am going was right so I need to trust that. I just need to be patient but that doesn't seem to be one of my strong points.

I really hope these next few months will go by fast. I am tired of having the IVF hanging over my head and just want it done and over with!