Long Time... lots of changes

So I haven't been into blogging lately, as is clearly evident by the huge gab between now and my last entry. In fact I had kinda forgotten about my blog for awhile until I needed to go back and look at a past post as reference for something. Anyways, I was surprised to see that even though I am not doing any posts, I still have a steady stream of visitors to my blog. So maybe its time to do an update.

School is like a dementor. It seriously sucks your soul right out of you... ok more like sucks your time, but just sounded fun comparing it to a dementor. I have been loving school. It has been the best thing for me. I needed something to take my mind off all the infertility stuff, and it has really done that. So I have been working my butt off with school but remembering how much I really enjoy learning. Right now I am working on math which is rather frustrating, but still exhilarating when something finally clicks.

The downside to throwing all my free time into school is that I completely stopped worrying about my weight and what I ate. I will admit it was a nice break from stressing about weight but was a sad wake-up call when I stood on the scale and saw that my weight had snuck-up on me and I was dangerously close to being the heaviest I have ever been. So I decided I needed to at least try to eat healthier and do what I could to figure out the weight stuff.  So I decided to get some lab work done and get my levels checked out which resulted in finding out that even thought I am not trying to get pregnant... the PCOS still needs to be treated or it could cause serious issues down the road.

So my blood test came back and my cholesterol was fine but triglycerides were high. Also they tested my insulin which is borderline high. So I always thought I understood PCOS but boy was I wrong. I just knew it was what cause me to not have normal periods or ovulate. Apparently it goes so much deeper. So my body doesn't react to insulin like it should. Therefore my pancreas (I am pretty sure that is the insulin producing organ, but I am not a doctor and therefore could be very wrong in this fact) is working overtime producing extra insulin. So if I do not treat PCOS, my pancreas could eventually wear out causing me to become a type II diabetic.  So I had to make a choice... either face the potential of having to give myself shots down the road when I turn diabetic, or go back on the dreaded metformin. So metformin it is...

So this time it is a much lower dosage and extended release so it shouldn't be so hard on my stomach. Well I have been on it for about 3 days now and it is completely kicking my butt. That is actually the reason I wandered onto my blog was wanting to read about my symptoms from last year when I was on it for the IVF. So tonight we had pizza and a movie night. Well shortly after the pizza I got horribly sick. Infact I ended up in bed at 8 pm on a Saturday which honestly should be a crime. So two hours later I wake up feeling great and here I am on my blog. So I am reading an entry back in August 2011 that is appropriately titled Metformin (Glucophage) how I hate you! So I am reading through here kicking myself for not reading this sooner seeing as I say "

P.S. Sorry this entire post is highlighted. Blogger and I are not getting along at the moment so this is the best I am going to get on this post since I cant get the highlighting to go away.

Ugh! Why must I punish myself like I do!?

So really I haven't been much into blogging lately. Just sorta got out of it for awhile and will probably stay away for awhile yet. I usually end up doing depressing posts so I try to just stay away, but feeling down like I am today makes me want to write something. So here goes.. another downer post.

So to start this downer post I need to list some positives. I started school and I totally love it! I wanted to start in hopes that it would keep me busy and keep my mind off of things, like infertility. It gives me something else to focus on since we will not be doing any infertility treatments again in a long time...if ever. So school is suppose to keep my mind off of all of that.

So one of my major assignments for school is writing a 15 page research paper. So smart Melissa decides to do a research paper on IVF. So I have been gathering material and finding out some pretty interesting facts. So it hasn't been bad until last night while going over stuff  I came to the realization that had the IVF worked back in December when I did it... I would be due next week. Yup... I would be ready to pop and all miserable in the summer heat hoping the kid would just come out already. But I'm not. I am desperately trying to not think about it, but I can't help it. I keep wondering what I did wrong. Did I not stay on bed rest long enough? Did I do something to mess it all up for Mike and I? It just sucks not knowing if I will ever get to try IVF again or ever get to try any fertility treatments again. So I sit in the unknown.

Anyways, I am going to get this stupid research paper done and over with, and promise myself I am not going to do anymore research on IVF or anything infertility related.  I am just hoping I can make it through the next week without having some massive breakdown as well. Luckily there will be a lot going on next week with Mikes 100 miler race, so hopefully I will stay busy.

So off I go to torture myself some more by working feverishly on this paper!

Taking a Break

I always wondered if I would get to this point. I have seen countless people decide to take a break from their blog, or even facebook. I honestly never thought I could ever get to that point but I think I might be there now.

I need a break, plain and simple. I am struggling. Trying to come to terms with a childless life is not working out so well with me. Especially when I read other blogs and realize that everyone I grew up with has kids. I feel so left behind and so destroyed.

The failed IVF hurt me worse than I have let on. I have tried to just put it all behind me and not talk to anyone about it, and pretend to be bouncing back from that let down. I have been putting on an act. I am completely torn apart. I feel like my life dreams, goals and plans are in shambles. All my dreams included kids. So now that it wont happen, I am just so lost. I have no idea where to go in life or what to do with myself. If you were to ask me what my long term goals are, I would just give you a blank stare. For the first time in my life, I don't have any long term goals. I have no idea how to live a childless life.

I am just lost... and alone. I know it doesn't make sense to isolate myself further when I already feel so alone, but I don't know what else to do. So I think I need to just take a break. I need to distance myself and take time to figure things out and figure out what to do with my life.

I don't plan on deleting my blog totally since I do need to have it printed into a book when I ever get money for it. I just don't plan on doing any posts for awhile. So this is it for now.... at least until I can come to terms with things and learn to better handle them.