Ugh! Why must I punish myself like I do!?

So really I haven't been much into blogging lately. Just sorta got out of it for awhile and will probably stay away for awhile yet. I usually end up doing depressing posts so I try to just stay away, but feeling down like I am today makes me want to write something. So here goes.. another downer post.

So to start this downer post I need to list some positives. I started school and I totally love it! I wanted to start in hopes that it would keep me busy and keep my mind off of things, like infertility. It gives me something else to focus on since we will not be doing any infertility treatments again in a long time...if ever. So school is suppose to keep my mind off of all of that.

So one of my major assignments for school is writing a 15 page research paper. So smart Melissa decides to do a research paper on IVF. So I have been gathering material and finding out some pretty interesting facts. So it hasn't been bad until last night while going over stuff  I came to the realization that had the IVF worked back in December when I did it... I would be due next week. Yup... I would be ready to pop and all miserable in the summer heat hoping the kid would just come out already. But I'm not. I am desperately trying to not think about it, but I can't help it. I keep wondering what I did wrong. Did I not stay on bed rest long enough? Did I do something to mess it all up for Mike and I? It just sucks not knowing if I will ever get to try IVF again or ever get to try any fertility treatments again. So I sit in the unknown.

Anyways, I am going to get this stupid research paper done and over with, and promise myself I am not going to do anymore research on IVF or anything infertility related.  I am just hoping I can make it through the next week without having some massive breakdown as well. Luckily there will be a lot going on next week with Mikes 100 miler race, so hopefully I will stay busy.

So off I go to torture myself some more by working feverishly on this paper!