I found a different rendition of that quote that I LOVE : "If life hands you lemons, throw them back and yell 'I WANTED CHOCOLATE!'"
So I feel like life maybe started out handing me lemons but now life is just chucking them at me as hard and fast as possible. I feel like I am being buried by a pile of lemons. I know I should make lemonade, but darn it! I hate lemonade!
It's crazy how life can just keep piling on more and more poop. Just when I think I have had more than enough, and more than I can handle… more gets piled on. Sometimes I really feel like I am drowning… and if I really let myself think about things…. I find it hard to breathe. I keep thinking someday it will all be better but then we get another blow. It just makes me wonder when it's all going to stop.
We went to the Celebration of Life for Mike's friends Fiancé who was killed a week ago. It was so incredibly hard. This whole week it has just been weighing on me. I can't even imagine losing Mike. It makes me hyperventilate just thinking about it. Last Monday was when Mike and I found out. When we got home from work we just hugged each other in the kitchen for a few minutes. It really makes you value what you do have. I am so glad to have Mike in my life. I have no idea how I would survive without him.
Things have been tough. Financially we are really in a tight spot. We have never let ourselves get this tight financially before. The car restoration went over budget by $4,000, and the car still doesn't even drive. We still haven't gotten the engine problems figured out yet but we are at a breaking point. We are both taking a break on the car for awhile so we don't get so burned out that we resent the car someday.
Plus it hurts every time we make that IVF loan payment. We are both finding we have a lot of underlying anger from that whole situation. We may be at our breaking point and the point of giving up on kids. I hate giving up but I don't know what else to do. I had tried to see about getting my work to look into infertility benefits for employees… and they really honestly looked into it for me but are unable to offer them because it's too risky. It could cause everyone's premiums to sky rocket so they can't take the chance. But honestly, even if I had the money or a way to pay for it, I don't know if I could emotionally handle another IVF. It was so incredibly hard to go through. Mike doesn't want to go through that all again either.
I still have anger over losing my mom. It made me angry that I had to go to a cemetery to take mother's day flowers to my mom. I just seems so unfair. I have a hard time understanding why I have to deal with so many challenges in life. Most people have big blows… like losing someone close…. Or infertility but how many people in this world have both of those problems at the same time. It's just too much.
Plus we have been dealing with ramifications of Mikes accident he was in a few months ago. The SUV needs to be fixed but we can't afford it yet. We really depend on that thing more than we had realized. We both really miss having it running. Plus we want t go camping a lot this summer but need the SUV for that. Although a couple nights ago we decided to just camp out in the backyard. That was actually a lot of fun. We set up the tent and firepit and roasted marshmallows and hot dogs. So even in the midst of all the poop piling up in our lives, I guess we have been able to make the best of things at times.
Life is hard…. Which really that feels like a huge understatement sometimes. Mike and I are just trying to keep afloat right now and work our way through everything. There has just been so much going on in such a short time…. The failed IVF, Mikes fractured pelvis, his car accident, the moneypit my car restoration has turned into, dealing with all the death and sadness… it just seems like it is never ending these days. I have had enough!
So life, please stop chucking lemons at me and please give me some chocolate since chocolate always makes everything better.
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