One Split Second

I am really struggling with things today. Actually this entire week has been hard. There was a tragedy that hit close to home on Sunday. Mikes friend lost his fiancé in a car wreck. She was just sitting at a light when another car lost control and plowed into her. She died at the scene. It just makes me sick thinking of it. Her life was cut so short. I can't even begin to imagine getting the phone call that the love of your life is gone.

Mike is my lifeline. He has kept my head above water during the tragedies of my life…. Losing my mom… the failed IVF. He has kept me afloat on those days when I feel like I am drowning; the days where it's so hard to even breathe. I am so dependent on him now. I don't honestly think I could survive losing him. So since I still have him, I am going to spend as much time with him as I can. I want to make as many memories possible with him. I hate not knowing how long I really have with him. I hate knowing that my entire life can change with one phone call.

I experienced that with my mom. That one phone call telling me she was gone instantly changed my life. I am still not the same person I was, and never will be. In fact, I am still trying to come to terms with the new me… who is no longer naïve about death and how short life can be; the new me that has an intense fear of losing someone else really close to me, especially Mike. The new me that will be driving through an intersection wondering if another car is going to crash into me and that will be it for me. The new me that constantly wonders what it's like to die, and what it's like where my mom is. The new me that gets so angry about some of the injustices in life, especially when I have to go to the cemetery to take mother's day flowers to my mom, or when I see how lonely my dad is. The new me that can't hear about someone dying without feeling intense pain for the ones they left behind. In fact sometimes I can't even let myself think about it because it hurts too much knowing what that family is going through. I have been there, and it's not easy losing someone you love.

Don't get me wrong, I am healing. I no longer hyperventilate when I go to a busy store. I no longer have nightmares of trying to protect my mom but not being able to. I no long break down crying every other day. I still miss her more than words can say, and will always feel like a part of me is gone…. But the grief part is getting easier. It doesn't haunt me every day. I know for people that just recently lost a loved one, they feel like they will never be able to get past the intense grief. I know how it feels to be so lost in despair, but it gets easier. The fog lifts and you slowly pull yourself out of it and start rebuilding yourself…and getting to know the new you. I know there is hope and I know that someday they will be at a better place in the healing process. I just know that it's a long journey and I hate to see other people have to make that journey. Unfortunately, it's a part life.