All Boarded Up

When Mike and I were in Yellowstone, I was really looking forward to going to Old Faithful. My parents and I worked there during the summer when I was 16 years old. I have a lot of memories in that area with them. Mike and I have made it a tradition to eat at the grill in the store my parents worked in. I use to eat lunch there every day. I also remember chatting with my mom while eating as she scooped ice cream for customers. So every time we go to Yellowstone we always stop for lunch there.

We arranged with Mike's family to meet up with them later and headed over to my parents old store. This is what we came across when we got there….

You can't tell so much in the picture but the entire store is boarded up. It had already closed for the season. It was heart wrenching for me to see it. In a sense it almost felt right for it to be boarded up since my mom is gone. It made me realize that all I have are the memories now. It was just hard to see.

We then headed back towards Mike's family to go have lunch. While walking Mike pointed at my old store (which was still open) and asked if I still wanted to go walk through it. I had been begging to ever since we had pulled into the Old Faithful area. The minute he asked me and I looked at my old store…. I started bawling. I am sure it confused Mike, and I know it confused his sister whom was walking behind us. I didn't mean to start bawling but I couldn't face it. Suddenly I just wanted and NEEDED to get out of the the Old Faithful area. We ended up heading back to West Yellowstone. Once we got out of the area, I felt much better. I honestly did not expect myself to have that kind of reaction to everything. It hurt though. It almost felt like a stab through the heart seeing everything boarded up.

So a friend put this on facebook and I totally love it!

I guess because I am the world's biggest cry baby, this just makes me feel better. Actually though… it seems to fit how things are going in the whole grieving process. I do not have break downs over my mom nearly as much as I did the first year after her death. They are fewer and further between. When I do have them though, they are worse.

I honestly feel like I go along being brave and being strong, but then one day I can't handle it anymore and I burst. I usually have a huge meltdown with a ton of tears and then slowly I start to feel better. Then I usually can go a few more months before it all happens again. Lucky for me I have the most supportive husband in the world that understands that even though the rest of the world thinks I should be over my mom's death by now… seeing as it has almost been two years… that he understands that everybody grieves differently. He understands that all I need him to do is hold me when I cry and he is very good at that. Heck, even the dog has learned to cuddle up to me when I cry. I honestly don't know what I would do without those two!

Anyways I guess now is a good time to post that little saying seeing as I will be taking psychotic hormonal IVF meds soon, and we are coming upon the two year anniversary of my mom's death. So I am sure there will be some fun emotional posts over the next little while, as well as some angry ones. The emotional roller coaster is just starting, so beware!