It's coming up on that one day a year where I now feel completely in limbo. In fact, I had not even thought about it coming so soon until a coworker unknowingly handed me a flier for gift baskets she is selling and told me it would be a nice gift for my mother. I have to admit I was rather proud of myself for waiting until she walked away, and then calmly putting the flier in the garbage can. I know she didn't mean any harm, and had no idea that the idea of a scentsy gift basket sitting on my mothers headstone would be a bit odd.
I stayed calm about it all and really didn't let myself think about it, but the damage had been done. I had a bit of a break down last night. I was talking to Mike about Mothers Day and he put my feelings into words better than I could. He suggested maybe I feel in Limbo. So true. I guess I feel like Mothers day doesn't hold much meaning for me. It has become a day that I basically just have to struggle to survive with emotions intact.
You see, I don't have my mother here to shower with gifts. Nor do I have any children to shower me with gifts. Therefore, I feel like I am stuck in limbo. So Mothers Day for me is a reminder that I don't have the option to give my mom a big hug and tell her how much I love her. Nor do I have the chance to receive hand-made Mothers Day cards from my little offspring accompanied by a coupon book of free child labor and a hug. So I guess right now, Mothers day is as painful for me as Valentines day is for singles. I know that someday it will change, and I wont feel in limbo anymore, but who knows when that will be.
Easter is another holiday that I am not a huge fan of. I think I was 13 when my parents decided everyone was grown enough to not need to celebrate anymore. So then it went from Easter baskets and Easter egg hunts to a bag of chocolate they would give me on Easter. Easter is a kids holiday, therefore, it really does not hold much meaning for me at the time being. So tomorrow will be just another day.
Anyways.... sorry for the downer post, but it does help to get my feelings out. I have hope that someday I will be able to find the joy in these holidays again, but for now...I just have to focus on surviving without having a massive cry fest.
Shows and Awards
12 years ago
1 comment:
Im so glad you have Mike to talk to about these things! It sounds like he has a good head on his shoulders!
Im one of those people who cannot fully understand what exactly you are going through, but I had an idea as I was reading your post. When it comes to Valentines day, I never let it bother me when I did not have a significant other (which was 23 years of my life) because my family made it into a day that you just tell EVERYONE you love that you love them...not just your lover. SO, when it comes to mothers day, maybe you should make it similar to that. I mean, just because you cant tell your mom to her face how much you love her, you can always DO something to honor her. Obviously you can put her favorite flower on her grave, which I think is a good idea, but is there anything that she loved to do that you and your fam could do together? (or just you and Mike?) I dunno. I think that anyone can honor their mother, whether they are present or not, and I think we both know that she would LOVE to see you doing something to remember her instead of being sad (which you are allowed to do also).
I hope this made sense. if you need clarification, IM me at work! HAHA!
I love you missy!
Post a Comment