Cry Fest

I had a very rough night last night. I had to face the fact that this round did not work. I had tried not to get my hopes up, but this had been the closest I have ever come to it being an actual possibility that I could get pregnant. I have never known for a fact that I have ovulated before so it was an exciting time. So when AF came, I was a bit upset to say the least.

Infertility has always been a hard thing to deal with, but it is twenty times harder without my mom. She could relate, she knew what I was going through. She would always just sit and listen while I cried to her about my frustrations… and she always would tell me to be patient, it would happen (which is something I hate to hear from other people, but I miss hearing it from her).

Last night I got home from work in a downer mood. I walked into the computer room where Mike was and just started bawling. It was the type of crying that scares Mike. The type he has only seen a couple times… the type that he first saw when I found out my mom was gone. In fact, I was crying so hard that Molly was freaking out. I know it sounds weird, but when I get like that, it's like sometimes Molly cries with me. It's sad, I didn't mean to get the dog so upset. Anyways I really just needed to call and talk to my mom last night. That was all I wanted to do, and I felt like I needed it. I needed to hear her reassuring words and I needed her to cry with me over the phone like she always did. It was so hard knowing that I couldn't call her. No matter how much I needed her, I couldn't have her.

I even went through an angry stage. I know I probably shouldn't be so angry with God, but I have a hard time understanding how he could take my mom when she is still needed here, by so many people. How he could put me through the heartache of infertility, but then take away my support. Sometimes, it honestly makes me wonder if God hates me.

I know this is probably not fun for anyone to read, I just needed to get this all out of my system. Infertility sucks, and it's hard, and it makes me angry sometimes. That pretty well sums up my feelings. I am trying to stay positive, but it's so hard sometimes. I know I will be ok though. I may not have my Mom to cry to, but I have the most supportive husband in the world that has no problems holding me and just letting me cry myself out.