I know I haven't really blogged much about the struggle dealing with the loss of my mom, so I figured I needed to do a nice venting session. I had a bit of a break-down tonight. Its funny because I don't have them as much as I use to... but it seems like when I do have them, they are much bigger break-downs.
I still miss her. I do a good job of keeping myself busy so I don't have time to think about it. Sometimes I can even make myself believe she is in St. George and I just haven't seen her in awhile. I can only pretend for so long. Little things set me off, and I never know what it will be.
I don't remember if I blogged about this or not, but I have started really watching what I eat... and exercising. I am doing it almost obsessively now. I feel like the underlining issue with my mom was her weight. She went and had her stomach stapled because of her weight. She had no idea at that time that it would later cause her stomach cancer and ultimately lead to her death. I don't want my weight to someday lead to my death. I am determined to be healthy.
So today I slipped up. I ate some horrible foods and way too much food. I feel horrible about it. I ran 3 miles on the treadmill, but I still feel bad. Running tends to mess with my emotions. There are many times I have cried while I ran. Add to that watching the Biggest Loser while running, and it is guaranteed to be a crying session. So I lost it. I was feeling so bad about what I ate, and also feeling so sluggish tonight and just feeling like I let myself down. I also in a way feel like I let my mom down too. I know it sounds stupid for me to say that, but its honestly how I feel deep down inside. I feel like it is a disappointment for her to see me mess up and not stick to my routine. I want so badly to be healthy because I don't want to die young.
It's kind of embarrassing sharing all of this, but it does help to get this off my chest. I really do miss her and sometimes when I think of going the rest of my life without her, it feels like too much to handle. I still need her for so much. There are so many milestones in life that I want her to be there for. I know she will be there, but I wish I could physically see her there with me. It still seems so unreal that she is gone. I never would have guessed that I would have my 26th birthday without her. Sometimes, it honestly feels so unfair. I try not to get angry about it, but sometimes I can't help it. It is just so hard. I may come across to everyone that I am doing ok, and that I am strong... but inside I am always hurting. I just feel like people are tired of seeing the sad Melissa, and tired of hearing about it. So I hold a lot of it in. Somedays, I really don't feel like I am ok, and I really wonder how in the world I will ever survive this. I just really miss her.
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13 years ago
4 comments:
Hey Miss!
I just wanted to write you and tell you you still have my support. Every time I read your blog and hear how sad you are, I try to put myself in your shoes. I know for a fact, that if I lost my Mom I would have the hardest time moving forward also (and that doesnt even describe the grief I know I would feel). It breaks my heart you and your family have had to go through this. I think the fact that you miss her so much is a testament to how great a mother she is (not was), she loves you guys so much and its so great that you know it! I know that if there is anything I want my daughter to know about me is how much I love her - Im sure that is all she wanted in life was for you to know she loved you SO much!!! She was an amazing lady and there is nothing wrong with still being sad. If being on your treadmill helps you get out your emotions instead of bottling them up, then keep running and keep crying! Its good to let it out (The Biggest Loser always makes me cry too! I also LOVE running on the treadmill and watching it too-such good motivation! That Jillian is so bad A :)
As for having a not so healthy day...its OK! Just take it one day at a time and you will get there. your body is thanking you for taking care of it..it will pay off in the long run!
I sure love ya missy and will always be here for you :)
I was gonna post but Shannon said everything I was thinking and much better than I could. So dido! Keep your head high!
I know that it is very rough and will be for awhile.
But way to go on getting fit!!! Something I am always working on as well. And you have a great resource living with you!
How would you like to join a biggest loser competition? Me and Sherri are starting one and were going to make it fun! Every two weeks the biggest winner gets mailed a prize were even going to have a blog at gochickenfat.blogspot.com If you wanna join email me at craftychic42@gmail.com I think it's so awesome your changing to a healthy lifestyle. Also don't beat yourself up for cheating a little. In fact I would suggest planning on it. Plan treats that are healthy I love the weight watcher treats or I plan a free day where I take one meal and have whatever I want just smaller portions. Your such a strong person I've loved reading your blog.
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