Freak Accident Prone

Mike and I had an interesting conversation about the freak accidents I have been involved in. It made me stop and think about how unlucky I have been during times of my life. What sparked the conversation was my ugly left ankle with its ugly scars and deformity. The little bumps on both sides of my ankle are deformed... one is much more deformed than the other. The way that it happened, really was a freak accident.

I was little.... like maybe 3rd gradish. It was June 9th (don't ask me how I remember that date) and I was jumping on the trampoline with two of my sisters, and my cousin. I was by far the smallest one on the trampoline. My cousin kept doing that power house thing to me where you jump just right and it shoots the person way up in the air. This is where the freak thing comes in... somehow the timing was just right so when everyone landed on the trampoline, and when he did the power house thing to me, it managed to snap my ankle. It broke three bones across, leaving only a small bone still intact. Pretty freakish if you ask me. It wasn't like I flew off the trampoline, or like he landed on my ankle or anything. It was just the way everyone bounced that did it. Everyone still to this day remembers hearing my ankle snap (I don't remember the sound). They all jumped off the trampoline and left me, but another sister came to my rescue. I remember on the way to the hospital looking down at my horrendously swollen ankle. Plus one of the bones was sticking out (not protruding out of the skin though, because that would be pretty gross). Anyways... I ended up getting pins put in my ankle, hence the horrible scars.

So the next year around the same time.... I broke my arm (two bones across this time). This one wasn't so much a freak accident as much as just being stupid. I have no idea why my cousin Cassie and I decided it would be a smart idea to Rollerblade down a giant hill. So lesson learned on this one... dont rollerblade down really big hills, even if there are baby ducks at the bottom that you want to go see. Also if you are going to break your arm, the best time to do it would be when cousins are over, because they feel bad and buy you candy bars. Oh and if you insist on ER visits only a year apart from eachother, do expect to get lectured by parents the entire way to the hospital on how the last bill still isnt paid off.

Then the next year around the same time, I almost drowned in the river in Montana. So I was really nervous for the next few years of my life when June would roll around because I felt like I was just waiting to see what horrible thing would happen next.

So the next major freak thing happened the end of May 2002. I got hit by a car. I was not playing in the road... I was just walking down the sidewalk on my way to work minding my own business when a car swerved up and hit me and drove off. All of the witnesses said it looked like the car was aiming directly for me. The freak part of this is that the driver of the vehicle had a medical issue and passed out behind the wheel. Her car happened to swerve up onto the sidewalk for a second before swerving back onto the road, but I just happened to be on the one little section of sidewalk at the time. This time, my left ankle was broken again, but just the small little bone. I believe it was the bone that survived the trampoline accident. Apparently it couldn't hold up as well against a car.

So all in all.... I have had some really freakish things happen to me. It is kinda funny to look on it all now and laugh about it, but I still have scars and I still have an intense fear of crossing busy streets or walking along busy streets... but I am ok. It is all in the past and over with. Now it is just something I can laugh about and blog about.

Security

To lose someone close to you, changes you. It divides you from most people in the world. You become part of a smaller group of people who have also had their perspective of the world changed. You start to think of life differently, and you are no longer blind to the reality of death. You can no longer think that it will never happen to you. You know that it could very well happen to you or a loved one at any time. It makes you appreciate what you have, and want to live your life better; but it also sometimes makes you paranoid.

It was interesting here at work today. I guess it made me realized how divided I am from most people my age. We got on the topic of life insurance. We just had the option to elect to receive an additional Life Insurance policy on top of the one already offered. I was quick to jump on that because I figure what is $6 bucks out of every paycheck compared to the security I would leave behind for my family.

One coworker commented (in a joking way, but half serious way) that he doesn’t need life insurance because he doesn’t plan on dying any day soon. Obviously death is not real to him yet. It sparked a bit of a debate where I realized I was the only one involved who was taking advantage of the life insurance. No one else felt it was needed.

I know what it was like for my Dad to end up with $200,000 worth of medical bills after my mom died. Luckily I was able to make phone calls and get most of it taken care of for him. I don’t want that for my family. I don’t want Mike to be stuck with tons and tons of medical bills or debt from me. I also don’t want for him to lose the house in the midst of his grief because he no longer as my income going towards it. I would rather him not have that added stress, and be able to pay off a big chunk of the house, or be able to pay off my medical bills and pay the funeral costs out of money provided from me. I want to make sure that if I had to leave him, that I wouldn’t leave him with extra stress and worry than what he would already be dealing with. I want to know that he is ok.

Death is a hard thing to think about. It is hard to believe it could happen to you until you actually have it happen. It is hard to think of a loved one going away, but it is also hard to think of your family trying to fill the gap emotionally and financially without you there. I realize that they would never fully be able to fill the emotional gap, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t ensure they are able to fill the financial gap. Anything I can do to make things a little less difficult, I am determined to do. I want to know that they will be ok when I go. If it takes $6 out of every paycheck, so be it!

In Limbo

It's coming up on that one day a year where I now feel completely in limbo. In fact, I had not even thought about it coming so soon until a coworker unknowingly handed me a flier for gift baskets she is selling and told me it would be a nice gift for my mother. I have to admit I was rather proud of myself for waiting until she walked away, and then calmly putting the flier in the garbage can. I know she didn't mean any harm, and had no idea that the idea of a scentsy gift basket sitting on my mothers headstone would be a bit odd.

I stayed calm about it all and really didn't let myself think about it, but the damage had been done. I had a bit of a break down last night. I was talking to Mike about Mothers Day and he put my feelings into words better than I could. He suggested maybe I feel in Limbo. So true. I guess I feel like Mothers day doesn't hold much meaning for me. It has become a day that I basically just have to struggle to survive with emotions intact.

You see, I don't have my mother here to shower with gifts. Nor do I have any children to shower me with gifts. Therefore, I feel like I am stuck in limbo. So Mothers Day for me is a reminder that I don't have the option to give my mom a big hug and tell her how much I love her. Nor do I have the chance to receive hand-made Mothers Day cards from my little offspring accompanied by a coupon book of free child labor and a hug. So I guess right now, Mothers day is as painful for me as Valentines day is for singles. I know that someday it will change, and I wont feel in limbo anymore, but who knows when that will be.

Easter is another holiday that I am not a huge fan of. I think I was 13 when my parents decided everyone was grown enough to not need to celebrate anymore. So then it went from Easter baskets and Easter egg hunts to a bag of chocolate they would give me on Easter. Easter is a kids holiday, therefore, it really does not hold much meaning for me at the time being. So tomorrow will be just another day.

Anyways.... sorry for the downer post, but it does help to get my feelings out. I have hope that someday I will be able to find the joy in these holidays again, but for now...I just have to focus on surviving without having a massive cry fest.