Rejection

What do you do when you are stuck in the worst job in the world? I have applied for so many other positions and only get rejected. I have even applied for jobs where I would take a paycut and still didn't get hired. Pretty pathetic when you are desperate enough to take a position you are more than qualified for but still get rejected. This last job I applied for I really wanted. I tried not to get my hopes up but I couldn't help myself. It was my only escape from the job I so detest. That escape is gone. I am out of options. It is so hard going to a job every day that I hate. I am just so tired of dealing with peoples problems. I need time to deal with my own.

I am just all around tired. Mentally, physically.. any way possible. I feel like I have been getting so much rejection lately that it is hard not to take it personally. I am sorry this is such a downer post. I am not looking for sympathy, I just want to be able to vent. I had three weeks of waiting and wondering if I got this job after going thru an interview that went so well, or so I thought. Three weeks to sit and worry and hope that I had truly found an escape. This was a job I really wanted, not only as an escape, but because it was going in the direction I want to go in a career.

Then to top it all off... I didn't ovulate this time. I took the clomid and went thru the mood swings for nothing. So no baby this month. With how my body works.... I wont get another chance at clomid for another 3 months. Part of me is relieved that I don't have to go thru the pregnancy test rollercoaster though. It still sucks knowing I didn't ovulate. I hate the thought of how expensive this is all going to get. Every day at work I get to hear women complain about their maternity bill. They don't realize how lucky they are. I would love to have a maternity bill to pay. It is much cheaper than what Mike and I are looking at to get pregnant in the first place.

Ugh! I really don't mean to be so negative. I just need to get over the shock of the rejection and have a chance to look on the brighter side of things. Like I said, this is not a post looking for sympathy. It is just a venting post. It is nice to get things out in the open. Mike is taking me out to dinner to cheer me up. Lets hope it works!

Flower Photography

So I was just browsing thru my pictures on my computer out of boredom and came across my Flower file. I went thru a phase where I was always taking pictures of flowers. They seemed like good subjects, and I loved trying to get the flower to focus but the background to be out of focus. Anyways I never thought I was ever good... and still don't, but I was amazed at how good some of these turned out. I figured since there hasn't been much excitement in my life lately (hence the lack of postings), I would do a post with some of the flower pictures. So here it goes...

This first set are the flowers in our backyard.

This one was taken a few weeks ago when it snowed last. This ultimately killed these flowers which I had planted last spring. I am still a bit sore about that.

These next pictures were taken on Canyon drives, vacations, etc...

Crazy Hormones, Venting Session

I warned everyone that taking Clomid plays with my emotions. Today has been one of those not so fun days. Part of the frustrations I was having was my inability to maintain a decent body temperature. I was either too hot or too cold. I hate having the two extremes and switching between them. It drives me nuts! I haven't really had a good nights rest in awhile because I am constantly tossing the blankets off, or pulling them back on. Right now I am just feeling emotionally drained.

I have a very stressful job. I am lucky enough to get yelled at often for mistakes other people make. Sometimes I just get tired of being damage control. I see some of the stupidest mistakes made by billers and I get yelled at for it. There are so many things that could be done to save me a nasty call, but the billers don't seem to care. Just as long as they meet their quota. I also get tired of hearing people complain about their bills. You go to the ER, you have to pay the bill. I am sorry if the Dr was unable to perform a miracle on the spot and cure you of your illness, you still have to pay the bill. You can whine and complain all you want... but there will still be a bill!!

By the time I was done with work today, I was just totally drained. I didn't want to take another phone call. I am also a little worried. I applied for a job a few weeks ago that I really want. I will find out next week if i got it or not. I NEED this job. I feel like it is my only escape from the job I feel so trapped in. I have never felt so trapped in a job in my life! I know that if I don't get that job, it is going to kill me. I just wish they would decide so I don't have to live with the suspense. I hate not knowing what the future will bring.

I also don't know if I am emotionally ready to handle another round of trying to conceive. It is just so stressful. I am done with the Clomid part, but now I have to see if my body is actually going to work with me. Then comes the pregnancy test part. Each test takes such a toll emotionally. I hate the anticipation and then the heart break of finding it is negative. It is too much to bear sometimes. I just want this part to be done. I am almost thinking if this time doesn't work (which I don't think it will), then i will take a little break. I have another refill for clomid, but I might just need a break. It is just too hard to handle sometimes!

Mike is so good to me though. I feel bad putting him thru all of this. I am sure he is tired of me coming home from work depressed or grouchy. I would be tired of it. I am also sure he gets tired of hearing me complain about the unfairness of life and babies. I would be sick of it. Yet he still continues to be supportive in every way possible. He is always there when I need a shoulder to cry on, and he knows how to just sit and listen when I go on and on about how much I dislike my job. I couldn't imagine going thru this without Mike there as my support. Sometimes I have a hard time believing that he is really mine. I don't know how I got so lucky. He truly is the best husband ever!!