When life hands you lemons…

I found a different rendition of that quote that I LOVE : "If life hands you lemons, throw them back and yell 'I WANTED CHOCOLATE!'"

So I feel like life maybe started out handing me lemons but now life is just chucking them at me as hard and fast as possible. I feel like I am being buried by a pile of lemons. I know I should make lemonade, but darn it! I hate lemonade!

It's crazy how life can just keep piling on more and more poop. Just when I think I have had more than enough, and more than I can handle… more gets piled on. Sometimes I really feel like I am drowning… and if I really let myself think about things…. I find it hard to breathe. I keep thinking someday it will all be better but then we get another blow. It just makes me wonder when it's all going to stop.

We went to the Celebration of Life for Mike's friends Fiancé who was killed a week ago. It was so incredibly hard. This whole week it has just been weighing on me. I can't even imagine losing Mike. It makes me hyperventilate just thinking about it. Last Monday was when Mike and I found out. When we got home from work we just hugged each other in the kitchen for a few minutes. It really makes you value what you do have. I am so glad to have Mike in my life. I have no idea how I would survive without him.

Things have been tough. Financially we are really in a tight spot. We have never let ourselves get this tight financially before. The car restoration went over budget by $4,000, and the car still doesn't even drive. We still haven't gotten the engine problems figured out yet but we are at a breaking point. We are both taking a break on the car for awhile so we don't get so burned out that we resent the car someday.

Plus it hurts every time we make that IVF loan payment. We are both finding we have a lot of underlying anger from that whole situation. We may be at our breaking point and the point of giving up on kids. I hate giving up but I don't know what else to do. I had tried to see about getting my work to look into infertility benefits for employees… and they really honestly looked into it for me but are unable to offer them because it's too risky. It could cause everyone's premiums to sky rocket so they can't take the chance. But honestly, even if I had the money or a way to pay for it, I don't know if I could emotionally handle another IVF. It was so incredibly hard to go through. Mike doesn't want to go through that all again either.

I still have anger over losing my mom. It made me angry that I had to go to a cemetery to take mother's day flowers to my mom. I just seems so unfair. I have a hard time understanding why I have to deal with so many challenges in life. Most people have big blows… like losing someone close…. Or infertility but how many people in this world have both of those problems at the same time. It's just too much.

Plus we have been dealing with ramifications of Mikes accident he was in a few months ago. The SUV needs to be fixed but we can't afford it yet. We really depend on that thing more than we had realized. We both really miss having it running. Plus we want t go camping a lot this summer but need the SUV for that. Although a couple nights ago we decided to just camp out in the backyard. That was actually a lot of fun. We set up the tent and firepit and roasted marshmallows and hot dogs. So even in the midst of all the poop piling up in our lives, I guess we have been able to make the best of things at times.

Life is hard…. Which really that feels like a huge understatement sometimes. Mike and I are just trying to keep afloat right now and work our way through everything. There has just been so much going on in such a short time…. The failed IVF, Mikes fractured pelvis, his car accident, the moneypit my car restoration has turned into, dealing with all the death and sadness… it just seems like it is never ending these days. I have had enough!

So life, please stop chucking lemons at me and please give me some chocolate since chocolate always makes everything better.

One Split Second

I am really struggling with things today. Actually this entire week has been hard. There was a tragedy that hit close to home on Sunday. Mikes friend lost his fiancé in a car wreck. She was just sitting at a light when another car lost control and plowed into her. She died at the scene. It just makes me sick thinking of it. Her life was cut so short. I can't even begin to imagine getting the phone call that the love of your life is gone.

Mike is my lifeline. He has kept my head above water during the tragedies of my life…. Losing my mom… the failed IVF. He has kept me afloat on those days when I feel like I am drowning; the days where it's so hard to even breathe. I am so dependent on him now. I don't honestly think I could survive losing him. So since I still have him, I am going to spend as much time with him as I can. I want to make as many memories possible with him. I hate not knowing how long I really have with him. I hate knowing that my entire life can change with one phone call.

I experienced that with my mom. That one phone call telling me she was gone instantly changed my life. I am still not the same person I was, and never will be. In fact, I am still trying to come to terms with the new me… who is no longer naïve about death and how short life can be; the new me that has an intense fear of losing someone else really close to me, especially Mike. The new me that will be driving through an intersection wondering if another car is going to crash into me and that will be it for me. The new me that constantly wonders what it's like to die, and what it's like where my mom is. The new me that gets so angry about some of the injustices in life, especially when I have to go to the cemetery to take mother's day flowers to my mom, or when I see how lonely my dad is. The new me that can't hear about someone dying without feeling intense pain for the ones they left behind. In fact sometimes I can't even let myself think about it because it hurts too much knowing what that family is going through. I have been there, and it's not easy losing someone you love.

Don't get me wrong, I am healing. I no longer hyperventilate when I go to a busy store. I no longer have nightmares of trying to protect my mom but not being able to. I no long break down crying every other day. I still miss her more than words can say, and will always feel like a part of me is gone…. But the grief part is getting easier. It doesn't haunt me every day. I know for people that just recently lost a loved one, they feel like they will never be able to get past the intense grief. I know how it feels to be so lost in despair, but it gets easier. The fog lifts and you slowly pull yourself out of it and start rebuilding yourself…and getting to know the new you. I know there is hope and I know that someday they will be at a better place in the healing process. I just know that it's a long journey and I hate to see other people have to make that journey. Unfortunately, it's a part life.

Car Stuff

I haven't posted on this blog lately because my life has centered around the car restoration. We had a goal to get it done in time for the Tuacahn car show... and barely made it.

Me and my dad standing next to the nicely restored car.

 I managed to pull off 2nd place in my class... which was exciting. this is me holding my trophy.

It was a blast at the car show. I had a really good time and I LOVE how the car turned out. Even though I haven't posted much on this blog.... I have done a ton of posts on my mustang blog. I even did like 5 posts on that blog tonight to get caught up on the show and everything. Anyways you can check those posts out here.