I got some good stuff. I managed to get $75 in Barnes & Nobles gift cards. I also got a gift card for Murray Day Music and was able to buy some good piano music. The best gift was the Wii Mike got me. I was so surprised. It didn't take me long to order more games for it.
Mikes main gift was a small digital camera. It is small enough that he can put it in his pocket and take pictures during some of the marathons.
Here are some pictures from Christmas:
It's New Years Eve. I am miserable. I had no idea New Years was going to be so difficult. I think it is much more difficult than Christmas was for me. I am just really missing my mom. Mike took me to the cemetery to visit her grave and I just stood there and cried. I know it probably sounds stupid but I almost feel like I am leaving her behind. Her story ends at 2009. She will forever be stuck in 2009. I hate the thought of starting a year she doesn't get to be a part of. I wish I could stop time. I really don't have high hopes for 2010. It is going to a year of mourning. I have to live thru what would have been her 60th birthday on January 6th.... what would have been my parents 40th anniversary on Feb 20th (the day before my birthday).... my first mothers day motherless.... there are still so many things I have to make it thru. I cannot fathom how 2010 could possibly be anything other than sad. I hate the thought that I have to make it thru next year without her. I hate that I don't have a choice in the matter either.
I just miss her so much. I feel like I need her still for so much. It's hard to think that she is truly gone... that I will never see her sitting at her computer munching on ice... or hear her voice again. I feel like my Clomid support is gone. As crazy as it sounds, I sometimes find myself thinking I don't even want to try infertility treatments anymore. Maybe I don't want to have kids after all. I don't feel like I can go thru the Clomid and infertility stuff... and raising my first baby without her. I just feel so alone.
You would think something like this would strengthen the bonds between me and my sisters but it was only temporary. We all know whats it's like to lose a mother... but that's where the similarities end. They all have children. They all had my mom there during their first pregnancy to go to for questions. They got to see her hold their newborns. That's something I will never have. None of them can quite understand how that feels. I hate that I am different from them in that way. I have always felt so left behind. Now I feel that gap even more now.
I am sorry to be so negative. I am really struggling with things today. I am just going to sleep thru New Years. I don't want it, and I don't feel like it is a reason to celebrate. Mike and his dad are planning on running the Beat The New Year 5k at Sugarhouse park. That will be fun for them. I was going to go with them, but the thought of standing in the freezing cold for a half hour doesn't sound so appealing. So instead I will be wrapped up nice and warm in bed... trying to sleep. I have a feeling sleeping is going to be harder tonight than normal. Anyways... I haven't said this to anyone yet because Its not a happy occasion for me, but I need to say it anyways... Happy New Years everyone!!
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