1 Month Anniversary

So today is the one month anniversary of my Mothers death. It is hard to believe it has already been a month. So much of the past month is just a blur. I have had to switch to survival mode which means living one day at a time. Its hard to keep track of time when in that mode though. It just tends to slip right by without me noticing.

I had a hard time as it got closer to 1:22 pm (the time of her death). I had to go talk to my friend during that time to keep my mind off things. I just kept remembering hearing the news she was gone and getting to St. George and seeing my dad standing in the doorway... hugging him and just crying. It was really hard. I even remember the drive to St. George and feeling so numb and just in denial. Worrying about how it was going to be once I got to St. George and enjoying the feeling of numbness before reality had to set in once in St. George. The week went by so fast as well. All the funeral arrangements and everything. It was just a whirl wind.

I didn't get to visit her grave today. I kinda feel bad that I didn't. I do plan on going Friday morning though and putting a Wreath on her grave. All the other graves have Wreaths and she deserves something pretty like that. I just have to hit a floral shop and buy the easel to put it on.

So I am still somewhat in denial. I shouldn't be and I kinda feel guilty for being that way. Its just so easy to imagine she is still alive and well in St. George... and that I just haven't talked to her or seen her for awhile. I figure It would be good for me to go this weekend and face reality in the form of facing an empty house. It would be hard... but I need to do it.

Sometimes I have break downs. Little things remind me of her. Like an e-mail with a travel trailer. Made me think of our Fifth Wheel and all the adventures we had in it. When I am trying to cook something and need advice. It kills me to not be able to call her and ask her how to cook something. Sometimes I get so angry I can't call her that I just decided to forget making dinner altogether.

Another way that I miss her is having to do with Clomid. She use to call and ask how that was going. There is no one to ask that now... or to really even care about it. I really hate knowing I lost my Clomid support system. None of my other sisters have had to be on it so they have no idea what I am going thru and my frustrations when it doesn't work.

I have always felt a little left behind in my family. The age gap has made it so I am much further behind everyone in all the fun life events. I am the only one who doesn't have any kids. I think everyone else in the family is done having kids even. I feel even more left behind with my mom gone. None of my children will get to experience her as a Grandmother here on Earth. It is so hard to fathom. I hate feeling so alone in that. None of my sisters can understand. No one can understand (at least I haven't met anyone yet who could). I know it sounds selfish that I think of that so much... but I feel like its no fair that everyone got that and I don't get that.

I pray every night that I can understand why she had to go. I don't know if I ever will fully understand. I am sure there is a job for her up there... but I still need her here. I still have a lot of growing up to do and I need her to still be my support system. Its just hard. I hate thinking about her being gone. Sometimes its just nice being in denial. I really do miss her and sometimes I wonder how in the world I can possibly survive this. I can't imagine my life without her but now I am forced to live it without her. What the worst part is.... is that I can't do anything about it. I can't turn back time, nor can I bring her back.