Calico Kitty

I finished this rock awhile ago and was going to hold onto it incase I could sell it someday. Of course it ended up becoming a give away thing again. We have a family BBQ yesterday and played Bunco. Everyone was suppose to bring like a gift that could be a prize. I had no idea what to take, so at the last minute I ended up taking the rock. Kari ended up winning it... so hopefully she enjoys it!

A Break

I need to stop doing such downer posts. It tends to freak people out. I really am ok. Life is crazy and there is a lot going on and alot to digest, but I am doing ok. actually I am the most relaxed I have been about the whole infertility thing than I have been in a long time.

Infertility is stressful! Taking the meds, then the two week wait and the negative tests. I haven't allowed myself to take a break for awhile. I have needed a break.... but wouldn't allow myself to take one. So that means I am now forced to take a break. Its like finally I can stop and just take a breather. I did already take the Femara for the month, and I am dealing with some emotional craziness, but I am not worried about things. I guess in a sense I new realize that the chance of us getting pregnant without some serious help is very slim. So I am not worrying about this round. I wont be watching the calender and taking pregnancy test after pregnancy test. I am just going to go about my normal life.

I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel free. I know this doesn't make much sense, and I know that my mood can change by the day. For the time being, I am enjoying the break. Enjoying the freedom. I have nothing to stress about right now. We cannot proceed with treatments until we go to the Consultation at the University Of Utah... which happens to be on Friday. Either way that buys me a worry free week where I cant stress myself out because I don't know where to go or what we need to do. I LOVE it!

Anyways, we will see what Friday brings. Hopefully it will bring answers and options. Then at that point we will decide where we want go with things. Until then, I am just going to enjoy my freedom for a bit.

In Mourning

I have heard it said before that women going through infertility mourn the children they may never have. Never has that felt so true than now. I mourn the child with Mike's eyes, and my nose (although really I don't like my nose, and would rather the child end up with all of Mike's traits and few of mine, but you get the point). Either way, I may never get the chance to see what Mike and I could produce. My curly haired little girl, My curiously destructive little boy…may never exist. It is hard to face that reality, but it is time to face it head on.

Mike and I got some test results back and have now been told the same thing by two different doctors. Pretty much our only hope for having children at this time is in-vitro. That scares me. Even typing the word in-vitro scares me. I think of that and see dollar signs and broken hearts. It costs anywhere from $10,000 - $15,000 and there is no guarantee that it will work. I hoped we wouldn't have to face this prospect, but it appears there will be no escaping it. Mike and I have a few decisions to make. We need to decide how far we are willing to go, and what we would be willing to do. We need to decide if maybe we could accept that it might just be the two of us, with no offspring of our own. Maybe we are not meant to have a family. I don't know. It is hard to say what will happen at this time, but at least I know what it will take for us. I was thinking of doing IUI, but it sounds like that might not work for us, so maybe it will be good to skip that step and wasted money.

I figure the first step we need to take is to contact the University of Utah Reproductive Care Center. It is time to move on. Dr Barton has been awesome, but we have exhausted our options for what he can do for us. He himself suggested that we move on to bigger things. So I will be scheduling an appointment. I am nervous for it and sometimes wonder if I am really ready to take this big of a step and fully immerse myself into the world of infertility. Part of me thinks maybe now would be a good time to take a break and get my associates degree. On the flip side, the thought of turning 30 yrs old and still not having any kids scares me to death! Part of me is scared to take a break and waste two valuable years that I might need in my quest for a baby.

There are so many unknowns. I guess first thing first is to see what the U has to offer us, and then decide from there if we are ready or how we would fund such a costly procedure. It will be good to have direction and to know exactly what it will take for us. It is hard being thrown into the big unknown world of infertility and treatments. I didn't want to face this yet, but the time has come that I have to face it head on once and for all! Wish us luck!