I have heard it said before that women going through infertility mourn the children they may never have. Never has that felt so true than now. I mourn the child with Mike's eyes, and my nose (although really I don't like my nose, and would rather the child end up with all of Mike's traits and few of mine, but you get the point). Either way, I may never get the chance to see what Mike and I could produce. My curly haired little girl, My curiously destructive little boy…may never exist. It is hard to face that reality, but it is time to face it head on.
Mike and I got some test results back and have now been told the same thing by two different doctors. Pretty much our only hope for having children at this time is in-vitro. That scares me. Even typing the word in-vitro scares me. I think of that and see dollar signs and broken hearts. It costs anywhere from $10,000 - $15,000 and there is no guarantee that it will work. I hoped we wouldn't have to face this prospect, but it appears there will be no escaping it. Mike and I have a few decisions to make. We need to decide how far we are willing to go, and what we would be willing to do. We need to decide if maybe we could accept that it might just be the two of us, with no offspring of our own. Maybe we are not meant to have a family. I don't know. It is hard to say what will happen at this time, but at least I know what it will take for us. I was thinking of doing IUI, but it sounds like that might not work for us, so maybe it will be good to skip that step and wasted money.
I figure the first step we need to take is to contact the University of Utah Reproductive Care Center. It is time to move on. Dr Barton has been awesome, but we have exhausted our options for what he can do for us. He himself suggested that we move on to bigger things. So I will be scheduling an appointment. I am nervous for it and sometimes wonder if I am really ready to take this big of a step and fully immerse myself into the world of infertility. Part of me thinks maybe now would be a good time to take a break and get my associates degree. On the flip side, the thought of turning 30 yrs old and still not having any kids scares me to death! Part of me is scared to take a break and waste two valuable years that I might need in my quest for a baby.
There are so many unknowns. I guess first thing first is to see what the U has to offer us, and then decide from there if we are ready or how we would fund such a costly procedure. It will be good to have direction and to know exactly what it will take for us. It is hard being thrown into the big unknown world of infertility and treatments. I didn't want to face this yet, but the time has come that I have to face it head on once and for all! Wish us luck!
3 comments:
I'm sorry that you have to go through this. I hope you can get your answer on how you are supposed to grow your family. Hopefully soon and hopefully with a peaceful feeling. You and Mike WILL be such great parents!
Have you ever considered adoption? It has been the greatest blessing to ever come into my life.
Either way I think this is good. Your life is moving forward and there is new hope. You may want to do some fundraising to pay for everything. I would love to help however I can:) I think there are also infertility loans available.
You are amazing. Let me know if you need anything.
Oh Miss! This is one of those moments where I dont know what to say in fear of saying the wrong thing. All I can say is that I am here for ya ANY time! As a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. Keep looking forward and know you have many people who love you and are willing to help in any way!
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