Christmas..and other things

I need to get some pictures up from Christmas. Christmas Eve we went to Mike's parents house and opened gifts. Christmas morning we swapped gifts with my dad and then he went off to visit people. Mike and I slowly opened our gifts from each other. Then around noon we went to Mike's grandmas house and did the white elephant gifts.



I got some good stuff. I managed to get $75 in Barnes & Nobles gift cards. I also got a gift card for Murray Day Music and was able to buy some good piano music. The best gift was the Wii Mike got me. I was so surprised. It didn't take me long to order more games for it.

Mikes main gift was a small digital camera. It is small enough that he can put it in his pocket and take pictures during some of the marathons.

Here are some pictures from Christmas:

It's New Years Eve. I am miserable. I had no idea New Years was going to be so difficult. I think it is much more difficult than Christmas was for me. I am just really missing my mom. Mike took me to the cemetery to visit her grave and I just stood there and cried. I know it probably sounds stupid but I almost feel like I am leaving her behind. Her story ends at 2009. She will forever be stuck in 2009. I hate the thought of starting a year she doesn't get to be a part of. I wish I could stop time. I really don't have high hopes for 2010. It is going to a year of mourning. I have to live thru what would have been her 60th birthday on January 6th.... what would have been my parents 40th anniversary on Feb 20th (the day before my birthday).... my first mothers day motherless.... there are still so many things I have to make it thru. I cannot fathom how 2010 could possibly be anything other than sad. I hate the thought that I have to make it thru next year without her. I hate that I don't have a choice in the matter either.

I just miss her so much. I feel like I need her still for so much. It's hard to think that she is truly gone... that I will never see her sitting at her computer munching on ice... or hear her voice again. I feel like my Clomid support is gone. As crazy as it sounds, I sometimes find myself thinking I don't even want to try infertility treatments anymore. Maybe I don't want to have kids after all. I don't feel like I can go thru the Clomid and infertility stuff... and raising my first baby without her. I just feel so alone.

You would think something like this would strengthen the bonds between me and my sisters but it was only temporary. We all know whats it's like to lose a mother... but that's where the similarities end. They all have children. They all had my mom there during their first pregnancy to go to for questions. They got to see her hold their newborns. That's something I will never have. None of them can quite understand how that feels. I hate that I am different from them in that way. I have always felt so left behind. Now I feel that gap even more now.

I am sorry to be so negative. I am really struggling with things today. I am just going to sleep thru New Years. I don't want it, and I don't feel like it is a reason to celebrate. Mike and his dad are planning on running the Beat The New Year 5k at Sugarhouse park. That will be fun for them. I was going to go with them, but the thought of standing in the freezing cold for a half hour doesn't sound so appealing. So instead I will be wrapped up nice and warm in bed... trying to sleep. I have a feeling sleeping is going to be harder tonight than normal. Anyways... I haven't said this to anyone yet because Its not a happy occasion for me, but I need to say it anyways... Happy New Years everyone!!

Family Christmas Party

We had our family Christmas Party tonight. It was fun. Prior to the party some of us got together and made an ornament in honor of my Mom. We then went to Wasatch Lawns and hung the ornament on their tree they have there. They were doing the Luminary Services which was really neat. They had paper bags with candles in them lit up all over the entire cemetery. It was incredible seeing all those lights. I am glad we got to go to that.

This is not the best quality but this is the ornament we made on the tree at the cemetery. We wrote her name on it and also "We Love You Mom!"

This is a view of her grave and you can see some of the lights behind it.

This is the best picture I have of the lights. They seemed to go on forever. It was a sea of lights.

We then had the party. It was fun. Kari brought pizza for everyone. Shelley and I were able to hand out our gifts which was fun. Next we did a white elephant gift exchange. It was crazy doing that with all the kids but lots of fun. We also all shared Christmas memories and fun stuff like that. It was a lot of fun. I enjoy being around my family.



It was tough though not having my mom there. I was really missing her today. I had a minor break down (Mike says it was a major breakdown) this afternoon but made it thru. Mike was kind enough to go to the cemetery with me prior to the Luminary Services so I could have some alone time. It helped to be able to stand there and just cry. I really do miss her. It seems as more time goes by the less I am able to be in denial. I can't just pretend she is well and fine in St. George. I have to accept the fact that she is gone. It is tough to comprehend that she is really gone. It hurts to think about it. I still need her. I really miss her and Love her.

I miss her...

Loss of Mother Poem

Now that I am gone,

remember me with smiles and laughter.

And if you need to cry,

cry with your brother or sister

who walks in grief beside you.

And when you need me,

put your arms around anyone

and give to them what you need to give to me.

There are so many who need so much.

I want to leave you something --

something much better than words or sounds.

Look for me in the people I've know

nor helped in some special way.

Let me live in your heart

as well as in your mind.

You can love me most

by letting your love reach out to our loved ones,

by embracing them and living in their love.

Love does not die, people do.

So, when all that's left of me is love,

give me away as best you can.

~ Author unknown

A Daughter's Promise
© Allie B. Quaglieri

Every time that I smile,

Every time that I sigh,

I think of your face,

And a tear escapes my eye.

You were my world,

My inspiration and my heart,

But when you left me,

I thought I would fall apart.

You were my best friend,

My one true 'confidante',

And that's not all you were,

You were also my mom.

I didn't want to live without you,

But you would have wanted me to,

And if there's anyone I want to make happy,

That anyone is you

I would have given anything to have you back,

But I know now that it was meant to be,

For you are still watching from up there,

And I know you're watching me.

I'll make you proud mom,

I'm going to fulfill your wish,

You're going to see me and smile,

That's a daughter's promise.