Break-downs

I know I haven't really blogged much about the struggle dealing with the loss of my mom, so I figured I needed to do a nice venting session. I had a bit of a break-down tonight. Its funny because I don't have them as much as I use to... but it seems like when I do have them, they are much bigger break-downs.

I still miss her. I do a good job of keeping myself busy so I don't have time to think about it. Sometimes I can even make myself believe she is in St. George and I just haven't seen her in awhile. I can only pretend for so long. Little things set me off, and I never know what it will be.

I don't remember if I blogged about this or not, but I have started really watching what I eat... and exercising. I am doing it almost obsessively now. I feel like the underlining issue with my mom was her weight. She went and had her stomach stapled because of her weight. She had no idea at that time that it would later cause her stomach cancer and ultimately lead to her death. I don't want my weight to someday lead to my death. I am determined to be healthy.

So today I slipped up. I ate some horrible foods and way too much food. I feel horrible about it. I ran 3 miles on the treadmill, but I still feel bad. Running tends to mess with my emotions. There are many times I have cried while I ran. Add to that watching the Biggest Loser while running, and it is guaranteed to be a crying session. So I lost it. I was feeling so bad about what I ate, and also feeling so sluggish tonight and just feeling like I let myself down. I also in a way feel like I let my mom down too. I know it sounds stupid for me to say that, but its honestly how I feel deep down inside. I feel like it is a disappointment for her to see me mess up and not stick to my routine. I want so badly to be healthy because I don't want to die young.

It's kind of embarrassing sharing all of this, but it does help to get this off my chest. I really do miss her and sometimes when I think of going the rest of my life without her, it feels like too much to handle. I still need her for so much. There are so many milestones in life that I want her to be there for. I know she will be there, but I wish I could physically see her there with me. It still seems so unreal that she is gone. I never would have guessed that I would have my 26th birthday without her. Sometimes, it honestly feels so unfair. I try not to get angry about it, but sometimes I can't help it. It is just so hard. I may come across to everyone that I am doing ok, and that I am strong... but inside I am always hurting. I just feel like people are tired of seeing the sad Melissa, and tired of hearing about it. So I hold a lot of it in. Somedays, I really don't feel like I am ok, and I really wonder how in the world I will ever survive this. I just really miss her.

My Birthday

I am way behind on posting. I blame that on the fact that my house is so unorganized due to remodeling... that I myself am unable to be organized. Once the house is clean, I will hopefully be back to blogging again.

We went to St. George for my birthday. We got there Friday night and had the house to ourselves. My dad was in Vegas with Linda and Dave. It was sad going back there for the first time since my mom died. I cried. That house has her touch to it so its sad her not being there.

Saturday morning I ran 2 miles with Mike. He then went on to run an additional 26.3 miles. He did find a course that would make a good marathon. We are tempted to try to put a race on. That could be interesting. Saturday night I got together with Sarah and Kristin, my friends from Highschool. It was fun. We ate dinner at the Cracker Barrel. We then went bowling. It was a ton of fun. I couldn't have asked for a better last night of being 25 yrs old.

Sunday was my birthday. I went out to breakfast with Linda, Dave, Shelley, Dad, Kristin, Lizzy, and Mike. Dennys has a promotion where you can get a free Grandslam on your birthday. I didnt want the grandslam so My dad ordered what I wanted and we switched. Then at the cash register I had to show my I.D. proving it was my birthday. The lady looks at me and says, "is it your sweet 16?" Mike didn't miss a beat and said "No, she just turned 17 today." It was funny. I then told her my real age and she seemed surprised. Sad that at age 26, people still mistake me for a 16 yr old. Such is life!

We then hung out for awhile before heading to Gunlock to find some good river rock. There is a spot that I would always go for rocks after the big flood of '05. I was surprised to see that they had cleared out the majority of the rocks. I was able to find some good ones so I have options when I have time to get back into painting rocks.

Next we headed over the the Gulls house where they were nice enough to throw me a little birthday party. There were lots of people and lots of cake and ice cream... as well as lots of Super Mario bros on the Wii. It was a blast! I really had a good time over there. Thanks Cassie for putting that together for me!

Overall... my birthday was a ton of fun. I am glad that I was able to do my yearly St. George birthday trip. It was nice!

P.S. We are texturing, painting, and carpeting our three bedrooms with the help of my dad. It is crazy the amount of work it takes to do it all. We have two rooms done and are now working on our bedroom, which means we are sleeping in the living room for a few days. It has been chaotic at my house but I will be happy when it is all done and the house is all put back together.

Another Weekend Project

I finally convinced Mike to let us paint the main bathroom. The fun part is we didn't start on it until 9 PM Saturday night. So we were up until 3 AM painting. It was fun... but a lot of work. Anyways here is a before and after picture.

Not the best quality picture. Notice the mist at the bottom left side of the picture? A spirit admiring my bathroom with me, maybe?? It's any ones guess! Anyways we bought a new lighting fixture. I don't have a picture of the old one, but it was not very nice or cute. It is hard to see the light fixture, but it is cute!


We also ran off to walmart and bought the collage frame as well as the other two frames. I printed up some of my favorite flower pictures I took and decided they would look good in our Earth Tone bathroom. I really like how it turned out. It looks so much better than it did when it was just plain white walls.

Now I am trying to convince Mike we need to paint our bedrooms and put new carpet in. Maybe that will be our next project!