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1 Month Anniversary

So today is the one month anniversary of my Mothers death. It is hard to believe it has already been a month. So much of the past month is just a blur. I have had to switch to survival mode which means living one day at a time. Its hard to keep track of time when in that mode though. It just tends to slip right by without me noticing.

I had a hard time as it got closer to 1:22 pm (the time of her death). I had to go talk to my friend during that time to keep my mind off things. I just kept remembering hearing the news she was gone and getting to St. George and seeing my dad standing in the doorway... hugging him and just crying. It was really hard. I even remember the drive to St. George and feeling so numb and just in denial. Worrying about how it was going to be once I got to St. George and enjoying the feeling of numbness before reality had to set in once in St. George. The week went by so fast as well. All the funeral arrangements and everything. It was just a whirl wind.

I didn't get to visit her grave today. I kinda feel bad that I didn't. I do plan on going Friday morning though and putting a Wreath on her grave. All the other graves have Wreaths and she deserves something pretty like that. I just have to hit a floral shop and buy the easel to put it on.

So I am still somewhat in denial. I shouldn't be and I kinda feel guilty for being that way. Its just so easy to imagine she is still alive and well in St. George... and that I just haven't talked to her or seen her for awhile. I figure It would be good for me to go this weekend and face reality in the form of facing an empty house. It would be hard... but I need to do it.

Sometimes I have break downs. Little things remind me of her. Like an e-mail with a travel trailer. Made me think of our Fifth Wheel and all the adventures we had in it. When I am trying to cook something and need advice. It kills me to not be able to call her and ask her how to cook something. Sometimes I get so angry I can't call her that I just decided to forget making dinner altogether.

Another way that I miss her is having to do with Clomid. She use to call and ask how that was going. There is no one to ask that now... or to really even care about it. I really hate knowing I lost my Clomid support system. None of my other sisters have had to be on it so they have no idea what I am going thru and my frustrations when it doesn't work.

I have always felt a little left behind in my family. The age gap has made it so I am much further behind everyone in all the fun life events. I am the only one who doesn't have any kids. I think everyone else in the family is done having kids even. I feel even more left behind with my mom gone. None of my children will get to experience her as a Grandmother here on Earth. It is so hard to fathom. I hate feeling so alone in that. None of my sisters can understand. No one can understand (at least I haven't met anyone yet who could). I know it sounds selfish that I think of that so much... but I feel like its no fair that everyone got that and I don't get that.

I pray every night that I can understand why she had to go. I don't know if I ever will fully understand. I am sure there is a job for her up there... but I still need her here. I still have a lot of growing up to do and I need her to still be my support system. Its just hard. I hate thinking about her being gone. Sometimes its just nice being in denial. I really do miss her and sometimes I wonder how in the world I can possibly survive this. I can't imagine my life without her but now I am forced to live it without her. What the worst part is.... is that I can't do anything about it. I can't turn back time, nor can I bring her back.

Suzy Homemaker

I have been trying to keep busy. It helps to have things to do to keep my mind off things. I am quickly running out of craft ideas. I have gotten some cute things done though.

I painted a rock for the family Christmas party next Saturday. That is going to be my home made gift that I am suppose to bring. I decided to do a cat because it is an animal I am really not much of a fan of so I figured it wouldn't be so hard to give it away. Well it turned out really good... so I am kinda sad to see it go. I decided to buy a basket and sew a little pillow for the basket that the cat sits in. Its cute... at least I think so.

It took me a few days to paint but I got it done today and sprayed the clear coat and made the little pillow bed. I figured it would make it look more realistic laying in a cushiony basket. I also made some goodies today. Sadly there were some casualties but oh well. We still have a decent amount of candies. We made divinity, Fudge, Mints, Snowballs, and Cookies. At least it kept me busy today. The weekends are usually extra hard for me because I am not as busy as I am at work... so thats when I have to do my craft projects.

So sometime this week I am going to put together a wreathe for my mom. I went to the cemetery today and there were so many wreathes everywhere. I figured I want to make one. I actually have the trimmings from the tree when Mike put it up. I just need to learn how to turn it into a wreathe. I plan on looking it up on the net. I think it would be a neat tradition to make a wreathe from the tree trimmings every year for my mom. My biggest problem is finding where everyone buys the little stand for the wreathes. I need to check a floral shop probably. I am hoping to run over to her grave Friday morning before heading to St. George to put the wreath there. She needs one.

So I am doing ok with things. I actually go back and forth. Sometimes it doesn't seem real... and sometimes it is all too real. It is hard to me to fathom that I will not get to see her physically again... that I have my whole lifetime (although you never know how long that will be) to go without her. I miss her. I still feel like I need her in so many ways. I even found myself thinking today after ruining the Toffee that if my mom was here it wouldn't have gone wrong because she would have told me the correct way to do it.

I have been reading a book called "Motherless Daughters". It is a very good book. It talks about losing your mother and the feelings and emotions you go thru. It honestly puts all my thoughts and emotions into words. It is really a good book.

I am a bit nervous for St. George. I am worried that I wont be able to handle it. Once I am there, I wont be able to pretend she is still alive and well in St. George. Its going to be hard to look at the hallway where it all happened. I really hope I can handle it. I think I will just have a hard time during the day on Friday. Friday night Linda and Shelley should get there so it wont be so lonely. Saturday morning my dad will be back from California as well. I just hope I can keep busy enough that its not too bad.

Normally Mike and I leave Thursday night so we have all day Friday to play. Usually that is when we go Four Wheeling with my parents. I am really going to miss those four wheel rides. My mom kept talking about a neat ride they went on that had lots of old abandoned cars (Mikes favorite). She really wanted to take us on that ride but unfortunately she was sick the Friday we got there the last time. That was the beginning of the end. There is so much I am going to miss.

Anyways... now that I got all depressed I better end this. I am going to go watch "Are You being Served" so I don't have to think about things anymore.

P.S. Like the new background? I spent a couple hours putting it together. I love it! I had to get rid of the fall theme I had going on and I figured if I did a winter theme I could keep it till February.