Infertility, the sad truth...

I have recently made an observation in regards to peoples Infertility Blogs.... they eventually all end the same way. I was recently doing a search of a bunch of blogs and found that a lot of them were old and had no recent posts... The last post being a sad goodbye sort of post. These people bare their hearts out to the world in hopes that their struggle can give hope and strength to other infertiles out there. Sadly they get a lot of criticism. Peopled honestly don't understand! It is sad that they get to a point where they get so many negative comments, that they have to think of themselves and their emotional health.... and decide that their blog no longer helps them. It has become a negative thing that is making their infertility struggle harder.

I understand that infertility is a hard subject. How do you talk to someone with infertility problems without saying the wrong thing.... or you are almost afraid to tell an infertile that you are pregnant yourself because you don't want to hurt them. It is a lot like death. It's hard to know what to say to someone that just recently lost a loved one. You don't want to make it worse. So sometimes saying nothing ends up being the best option. There is nothing wrong with that. I completely understand, and I know people shy away from things that make them uncomfortable. It is a normal human instinct.

I am not doing this post to make anyone feel guilty. I am more or less recording an observation I have made. Infertility sucks... and it is hard... for not only the infertile, but the people around them. It is sad that it is such a hard topic and such a hard thing to go through. I know that people may feel nervous around me sometimes because the chance that I may bring up that uncomfortable topic of infertility, or of losing my mom. It makes me realize that I am unapproachable to people. Which once again is normal human instinct. I wish that wasn't always the case... but it's just one of those sad realities of life.

So anyways... I am struggling with all kinds of crazy emotions. I am excited to do in-vitro since it is our best hope... but scared because I know it is the last hope. I am scared of it working and then something happening and me losing the baby. I am scared for all the unknowns. I am frustrated from all the meds I have to take and the crazy side effects from them. I am sad because I feel so alone sometimes. I am sad because I know my mom would be calling me all the time checking up on me and asking how I am doing, and how the meds are effecting me. I am sad that I have to go through the hardest infertility treatment without her there to support me. I am sad because I want her to take care of me. If she were alive.... I would ask her to come stay with us the month of the actual IVF procedure. I would ask her to help with the injections, and I would ask her to accompany me to the ultrasounds. I would ask her to take care of me and bring me sprite when I am laying on the couch trying to recover from the Egg Retrieval procedure. I am sad because I know that she would do it in a heart beat if she were alive.

as you can tell I have been missing my mom a lot lately. I went to the cemetery the other day and just cried. I need her.. and I want her. I guess I am hurt because I don't get to have her for all of this. I don't get to have her calm my fears and tell me it is going to be alright. I know that there are tons of people that can say that....but it's not the same as hearing it from my mom. So in a sense... I am really feeling that gaping hole left in my heart from her death. It is really making its presence known right now... which I guess is to be expected.

Anyways.... this ended up being a very sad post. I blame part of that on the crazy emotions my meds are creating. The Metformin really hasn't been that bad. I have felt a little sick here and there but I am doing ok. I still have to up my dosage one last time... but then I am good to go. I should start birth control in a week.. which will be interesting. So I guess we will see how everything plays out!