I am Angry, frustrated, Sad, and exhausted. I wish that I was just physically exhausted, since that can be fixed with a nap or a good night’s sleep. I am emotionally exhausted though, which I am hoping a nice little vacation will fix. I guess we will see.
I am angry because I feel like God is putting me through too much. I am angry because I shouldn’t have to go to a cemetery every time I want to visit my mother. I am angry because I have a defective body that won’t allow me to become a mother. I am angry because 16 year olds and drug addicts are having babies every day, but good people that can honestly take care of a baby and give them the best life imaginable are unable to have babies. I am angry because it does not make sense to me and I cannot find the logic behind it. I am angry because I always was told that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle, but I am finding that is not true. I am angry, because I feel like such a weak person because I can’t handle it.
I am frustrated because of the inner battle I feel and the guilt I feel for being so angry at God. I am frustrated because my body doesn’t work right and because it is so difficult dealing with the crazy emotions. I am angry because I feel like I am stuck in between AF coming to visit, and negative pregnancy tests. I am frustrated because AF didn’t start on its own like the Femara was making it do. I am frustrated because I don’t feel like the Femara worked this time, which means I have to look at other options and other avenues. I am frustrated because I am still getting negative pregnancy tests but it isn’t making AF start like it normally does. I am frustrated because of the bitterness I associate with Mother’s Day. I am frustrated with money and lack thereof. I am frustrated with the restoration of my car and the stress associated with it. I am frustrated because I am tired of feeling so many different emotions at one time, that I cannot think straight or decide what emotion I really am. I am frustrated because my bad moods effect Mike, and he shouldn’t have to deal with me.
I am sad because I miss my mom more than I can express in words. I am sad because I don’t get to call her up on Sunday and wish her a happy Mother’s Day. I am sad because I don’t have any kids to wish me a happy Mother’s Day. I am sad because Mother’s Day has turned into such a horrible holiday for me. I am sad because I feel like I am letting Mike down not being able to get pregnant very easily. I am sad because I also feel like I am letting his family down since he is the only one left to carry on the Epperson name, and I feel like I am preventing that from happening. I am sad because of the price of infertility treatments and how hard it will be to fund them. I am sad because I feel like I am running out of options in the way of inexpensive treatments. I am sad because I can’t call my mom and vent to her about my infertility frustrations anymore. I am sad because none of my sisters can relate or understand what I am going through. I am sad because I feel so separated from everyone else. I am sad because I once again feel so left behind by my family. I am sad because I feel so alone.
I am exhausted because my emotions change from one minute to the next. I am exhausted because I had a minor break down yesterday and it has carried on to today. I am exhausted because I feel like I am at the end of my rope with dealing with infertility stuff. I am exhausted because I am constantly fighting a battle with myself to keep going with the infertility treatments versus stopping for awhile. I am exhausted because I keep going back and forth on what the next step should be in infertility treatments. I am exhausted because I am stuck in this stupid two week wait, even though I know I am not pregnant. I am exhausted thinking of doing another round. I am exhausted with the logistics and schedules that have to be followed in order to do another round. I am exhausted because I feel like I am getting older and should have 3 kids by now. I am exhausted because I feel like I should be going back to school, but I don’t feel that I can honestly handle that stress on top of the infertility stress. I am exhausted from trying to desperately find something or some way to keep my mind off of Mother’s Day but I am failing miserably. I am exhausted from all the guilt I feel about being so angry and bitter. I am exhausted from trying to decide if this is even something I can post on my blog since no one likes a pessimistic person. I am exhausted because I still worry how people would react to this post, and if they would think this is just a way to get attention. I am so exhausted from worrying that something I said will offend someone and result in losing a friend. I am exhausted because I am to the point where I don’t care, just as long as O can get my feelings out.
I know that I should be counting my blessings right now, but I don’t have the energy to do it. I feel like I am hardly functioning today… like even getting out of bed this morning almost didn’t happen. I really wish I could just be curled up in a ball in my bed avoiding life today… but I can’t. I know there are so many good things in my life, but right now I can’t get past the part of my life that is in shambles. I just need a break from it all!
